God Gave Me You
by WestCoastTrees
Summary: Clare and Eli both find themselves at new turning points in their lives. One feels a little more lost than the other. But does she have the right to ask for help and to lean on the one person who she knows won't let her down?
1. The Person That I've Been

**I received a request on tumblr from an anon to write a screenplay-like thing of a tiny EClare reunion, but typing into that box is annoying once things are of a certain length so I figured I'd put it up here. **

**This takes place post-Clare's return home and the little fling Eli seems to have with Imogen. **

**Important thing as you read this. If you want to understand Eli's main action in this chapter, pls watch the video on my tumblr: westcoasttrees and pay special attention to the pictures. It will clear up a lot and create the feeling that I want you to experience for an important part of the story. **

**INTERIOR DEGRASSI HALLWAY. Hallway is empty; only ELI is sitting down by his locker, sighs deeply with black notebook in his lap. **

**IMOGEN slowly approaches him and sits down next to him. **

Imogen [softly]: Hey.

Eli [looks at her]: Hey.

Imogen [shyly]: Wanna be partners for Purino's project?

Eli [surprised]: You want to work with me? Thought that you'd hate me…want nothing to do with me.

Imogen: I'm not Cla-

Eli [cuts her off]: Don't say that. I know that. It's not fair to tell me that, I wasn't – I…liked you _for you_.

Imogen [nods]: I know you did. Sorry. But we agreed we're gonna be friends.

Eli: I thought that was just one of those things people say. Like…I'll never leave you [looks her right in the eye, shrugs].

Imogen [sadly]: Eli…

Eli: Sorry [embarrassed].

Imogen: We're not _right_ for each other. We…liked each other for all the wrong reasons. I…just wanted to date you for so long. You were so interesting to me. And we had a good start, we really did. But…we don't work as a couple. You didn't trust me…spied on me…and I just…when it came to you, Eli…I…

Eli [sighs]: You liked the _crazy_.

Imogen: I wouldn't put it exactly like that, Eli. And you…you wanted to prove to yourself that you could move on…be happy again.

Eli: It wasn't about Clare, Imogen. Not this time. It really wasn't.

Imogen: And I know that. But it was about you trying to be better, to…move on.

Eli sighs.

Imogen: So, partners? Friends? [holds out her hand to him, Eli smirks at her and shakes it]

Eli: Friends. So, _friend,_ what topic do you want to do for that project? And what should we actually do? It needs to be creative…I was thinking of writing something, like a first-person perspective of someone during an event. It's only the really thing that I can do.

Imogen: Maybe we could put what you do and what I do together. How about I put some photos together in a slideshow, or a video or something like that of that event, and you write the narrative? Could look cool [smiles].

Eli: That does sound really cool, actually [smirks at her]. What topic should we do? Purino says anything from the entire semester is game…which actually makes it a lot worse. Can we do something in America? The Europe stuff is harder, I don't know that much about it.

Imogen: How about…we do something on the American public mind? What it means to be American? Try to get inside the public's mind…that would be such a cool topic [excitedly].

Eli [stares at her and leans his head back, sighing and shutting his eyes]: Imogen…please…_no more_. No more mind stuff, please…just…I _can't_ anymore. No more.

Imogen: Eli…I didn't mean it _like that_. I mean American public opinion – you said you wanted to get in character and write something. How are you going to guess what a President was thinking? You're going to have to read 500 page biographies, and you still might get it wrong. But the public mind is easier…free license; Purino can't nail you down for being wrong about that.

Eli [smirks]: You're right. All right, American public mind it is. Can we do…can we do something newer? Like the recession? Wait - I got it – [excited] let's do American recovery, okay? I could write about…the spirit of recovery.

Imogen [smiles]: That sounds perfect, Eli. Just perfect. We're gonna kick some butt!

Eli [drawing on her strength]: Thanks, Imo. For…wanting to work with me.

Imogen: Of course, Eli. You and I are gonna be friends [smiles and winks at him]. I'm really sorry about the –

Eli: Don't worry about it [waves his hand]. I know you didn't mean it in the way that I saw it. It was just…sort of a lot to take in, especially as a surprise.

Imogen: I never meant it to be offensive, I just thought it was so…fascinating [embarrassed].

Eli: I get it now. It's okay, really. We're gonna be friends, remember? [smirks].

Imogen: Of course. So, friend, wanna get started?

Eli [gets up and pulls out a history textbook and a binder]: Sure thing. American recession recovery, here we come.

**NEXT DAY, ELI AND IMOGEN WORKING IN THE CAFETERIA, PHOTOS SPREAD OUT ON A LARGE, ROUND TABLE. **

Imogen [confused]: Where does the picture of the Native Americans go?

Eli: That's for the 'brave' part – when I read the 'gotta call it brave to chase that dream across the sea' part.

Imogen [nods]: Right, got it.

Eli [stops frantic work, pulls out a photo from the pile and studies it closely]: When did you take this?

Imogen: Oh, a while ago, manipulated it from an image in TIME magazine. You like it?

Eli [thoughtfully]: It's beautiful [sits down on chair and continues to look at the photo of a young, handsome US Marine in his uniform looking up in the sky at fireworks]. Imogen…

Imogen [busy arranging photos]: Yeah?

Eli: Can I tell you something?

Imogen [absent-mindedly]: Shoot.

Eli: No, sit down [gently pulls her into the chair next to him and makes her look at the photo].

Imogen: Eli, I made it, I know what it looks like.

Eli: No, look at this guy [smiles at her for a long time before speaking again]. Imogen…this might sound crazy, but…this is the type of guy that I…that I see you with.

Imogen [giggles]: What are you talking about, Eli?

Eli: No, seriously. I don't know how to explain it. I just have this feeling…a guy like this would be the one for you. Someone…strong. Someone who spends his days standing up for the innocent and the weak. A guy like this…I just have this really eerie feeling….I can just imagine you by his side.

Imogen [laughs]: Stop talking nonsense and get back to work, Eli [turns away from him with a blush and a coy smile, secretly agrees with Eli].

**MORNING, DEGRASSI STEPS. JAKE walking up the steps, dragging Clare behind him in frustration. **

Clare: I _don't want to_ go with you! It's my spare block right now! Why do I have to waste it sitting in your stupid history class?

Jake [angrily]: You think _I like_ having to babysit your ass the entire day? Helen's rules, and you know it, Clare. You proved that you can't make your own choices according to her, so you don't get _the privilege_ of unsupervised time anymore.

Clare: Well, putting me with you is the WORST idea ever! [shouting] _You're_ the reason I'm in the mess that I am!

Jake [scoffs]: Don't you dare put all of this on _me_, Clare. I never forced you into anything, and you know it.

Clare: Whatever Jake, we both know you're not gonna watch me as soon as Jenna's skirt enters your line of vision!

Jake: Just shut up and keep walking, you're gonna make me late for history and I have to give my presentation today. Trust me Clare, I hate this just as much as you do – but unlike you, I actually _want to_ fix my relationship with my dad. He's not one to get mad, but he's never been as furious as the time that he found out that I was lying to him for months. Sorry, princess, but I'm not bowing down to what you want. These are your mom's rules, and we're following them.

Clare [huffing and puffing]: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

Jake [rolling his eyes]: The feeling's mutual, trust me [they enter Purino's class].

Purino: Clare, glad you could join us. You can have a seat in the back of the class, right there - across from Eli in that spare desk.

Eli [looks up in confusion, sighs and looks away from Clare when she sits down].

Clare [muttering sarcastically]: Well…isn't this just great [sneaking a glance at Eli].

Purino: All right folks, big day today. Final creative project presentations. Jake, you're up first.

Jake walks to front of the class with his replica model of the Berlin Wall.

Jake: Right, so I built a model of the Berlin Wall. So, this crazy dude [Clare sees Eli flinch at Jake's words] Stalin went nuts after he thought the Americans and British wanted to exert control over Berlin, so he built this massive wall. Smart [sarcastically] except it didn't do jack anything, because the Americans and British did this blockade thing and used airplanes instead, and the people of Berlin still got everything they needed like food and stuff. In 1989, the people finally stood up against crazy Stalin and decided they had enough of his obsessive rants [Clare sees Eli flinch again] so they tore the wall down [Jake pulls out a hammer and tears down the small wall]. The end.

Class applauds.

Purino [bored]: Thank you, Jake. I'm not umm…sure I've ever heard military history recounted in that fashion. Excellent model, impressive craftsmanship. Slight factual discrepancies – what you were describing for a while was actually the Berlin Blockade, and a bit more on why the people rose – and who helped them – would have made your presentation better [Jake shrugs, doesn't look all that worried]. I think you got the overall feeling of it though. B-.

Jake smiles and takes his seat.

Purino [bored]: All right, people, who's gonna be next? Can you feel the excitement [sarcastically]? How about, Eli, Imogen? You guys are using the projector right?

Imogen: Yes, sir [stands up and connects her laptop to the projector while Clare sees Eli pull out a paper and walk up to the front of the room, not meeting her eyes not even a single time].

Purino: Tell the class your topic please.

Eli [leaning against Purino's desk as Imogen's presentation comes up, a dark image of a Arizona farm field]: We decided to investigate the American public mind since the recent economic recession, delving into some of the most important events in American history that have led an impactful legacy.

[Clare takes in Eli's eloquent language and she raises her gaze to look at the front of the room].

Imogen: …and we decided the best way to approach it would be through a first-person narrative. Eli wrote an account of the American public mind while I created a slideshow to accompany it.

[Imogen notices Clare give her a feisty glare and she hears her exhale loudly. Imogen can't care less].

Purino: Interesting [looking alive for the first time in the morning]. Go for it.

Eli turns off lights, Imogen presses play on the laptop, and a soft country guitar music accompanies the flow of photos as Eli begins reading.

Eli [softly]: West – on a plane bound west, I see her stretching out below.

[the image flows to reveal a dark shadow playing a guitar in the farm field, a red barn in the distance as an explosion of fireworks lights up the dark night sky. The fireworks mold into images of America from coast to coast; mountains, beaches, the ocean…the Grand Canyon. Clare looks at the photos in interest].

Eli: Land; blessed mother land; the place where we were born. Scars – yeah she's got her scars. [The image flows to a photo of an old African American soldier with an accordion in his hand. He is dressed in a military uniform and two shiny, striking tears are flowing down his face as he is looking up at the fireworks. Clare understands that he was a civil rights movement fighter who was singing the American anthem in tears. The image gives her chills].

Eli: Yeah, she's got her scars, and sometimes it starts to worry me. Because – lose – I don't want to lose sight of who we are. [images of firemen in the rubble of September 11th].

Eli: From the moutains high, to the wave-crashed coast, there's a way to find better days, I know. It's been a long hard ride, and we've got a ways to go, but this is still the place that we all call home [the fireworks explode on screen, pictures move rapidly: a suburban family looking up at the lights of the fireworks, a group of blue-collar union workers holding up signs that say 'I want to work' and 'Paycheques pay the bills', school children with their hand on their heart as they sing, group of ballerinas in black tutus practicing plies at the bar].

Eli: Free – nothing feels like free, though it sometimes mean we don't get along; because same – no we're not the same, but that's what makes us strong [picture of an African American, Mexican, and Caucasian man with their arms around each other in a steel factory, photo of a skier on a mountain to surfers on the beach]. There's a way to find better days, I know [picture of three tween girls, all dressed in pink plaid shirts with braces on as they smile outside a mall, to a young mom with a little girl loading a van of groceries and looking up at the fireworks, to a man with gray hair who stands on a sunlit porch, clutching the photo of a woman about his age with pretty bouffant hair, the words 'that's my bonny' printed across the photo, a tear running down his face].

But this is still the place that we all call home. [photo of the Washington Monument, video clip of Martin Luther King Jr. giving a speech, ecstatic hockey player in a USA jersey cheering after a goal, the crowd rising to their feet, young people at a bonfire looking up at fireworks on a beach, the girl of the croup wearing cowboy boots, photos flow back to Arizona corn field before an image of George Bush and Tony Blair at Camp David behind the American flag melts into one of a space shuttle taking off]

Eli [voice turns a little more powerful and assertive]: Brave. You've gotta call it brave – to chase that dream across the sea [photo of group of pioneers, a family with two small children on a small porch].

Eli: Names – they signed their names for something they believed [picture of Founding Fathers signing the Constitution].

Eli: Red – how the blood ran red when we laid our dead in sacred ground; wonder what they'd think if they could see us now. [picture of group of World War II soldiers raising the American flag in Germany, to images of Pearl Harbour, to images of New York firefighters and Vietnam veterans, to a picture that makes Clare shiver. It a modern day image of a military funeral, a young woman with curly blonde hair in tears as she tightly clutches a flag, her forehead pressed to a man's in a full military uniform. Both of them are sobbing].

Eli: It's been a long, hard ride [sounds exhausted] but this is still the place that we call home – and I won't lose hope. [Images all flash quickly in the dark classroom, music culminating to a final image of a young, handsome man in a US Marines uniform who is sitting on the front steps of a house in a field somewhere in Arizona, silently looking up at the fireworks. He smiles. The picture lingers for a moment before the fireworks explode one final time].

Purino turns the lights on.

Purino: Well done, Eli and Imogen. Beautiful pictures, very powerful. Definitely got the emotion right, Eli – I can see why Sandy always speaks so highly of you.

Eli [confused]: Sandy?

Purino [laughs]: Mrs. Dawes, I mean.

Eli smirks.

Purino: Good teamwork, you two. Your talents fit together perfectly. It's hard to do a project on something as big as the American public mind. What made you choose this topic?

Eli hesitates, Imogen takes over.

Imogen: We just…wanted to study public mind and…resistance [looks at Eli and he stares at her meaningfully]. America got so criticized – for being aggressive, for being impulsive, for being rash [Clare looks at Eli, then at Imogen, and she realizes that Imogen is not just talking about America…], it got dismissed as…crazy…as a goner. When they fell, no one said they could get back up. Everyone wrote them off. But what everyone forgot was that America had the most important thing possible – spirit. What everyone forgot is that America had a fighting spirit that allowed them to come back bigger, better and stronger than ever before.

Imogen looks at Eli meaningfully, and Clare can see the emotion in his face. She gets chills when she realizes that Eli and Imogen had been through hell and back together…abusing each other and hurting each other…but here they were, working as partners…and their work complemented each other's beautifully. Clare exhales shakily when she realizes that despite the intensity and awfulness of everything that Eli had subjected Imogen to, and that she had subjected him right back – Clare had seen that awful portrait on display for a horrifying second before Mrs. Dawes asked Imogen to take it down – they were…still friends.

There was no dramatic yelling at parties, no dramatic hallway moments or interactions with other people to get…distracted. Right there, in front of her, was the proof that Clare Edwards couldn't deny. Eli and Imogen…had stayed friends.

After everything, they had remained friends.

Clare feels overcome with regret and looks at Eli softly.

He catches her eye but quickly blinks away.

Clare makes up her mind to find him afterschool.

**XXXXXXX**

**Just the beg of a 3 parter little thing. Question: this screenplay style isn't meshing with me. Would you rather that I switch to prose? It lets me get inside characters' heads more too. Let me know pls. **


	2. Stay as the Storm Blows Through

XXXXXXXXX

"Let's go, I'll walk you to your class," Jake said impatiently to Clare, scanning the parking lot for Jenna.

"No. Just get away from me, Jake," Clare sighed. "The only place I ever get a break from you is in my classes and now I can barely have that with you walking me everywhere!" she said, raising her voice.

"Hey, if you got a problem with this, you talk to Helen – and if you can get to change her mind, I'd be ecstatic. But according to her, until you can prove that you can be trusted to make your own decisions, this is how it's gotta be," Jake said as he led Clare up the Degrassi steps.

"I don't want to talk to her about you! I just want to forget and have my life get back to normal!" Clare yelled, causing a few looks to turn her way.

"Clare, the only person stopping that from happening right now is you! Look around you – you're the only one who hasn't moved on! Once you stop acting this way and stop making everything so damn dramatic you'll realize you're the problem! Jesus, Clare, it's not like you and I were married or something! Why can't you Just. Get. Over. It?" Jake said impatiently as Clare flashed him an angry look.

"Shut up Jake, and just leave me alone!" Clare replied.

"You know, now you've really changed you tune from that God-awful clinginess you had going on before I came to my senses and broke it off," Jake said with a shake of his head.

"Don't call me that!" Clare exploded.

"Clare, you were suffocating me, and then you went ahead and manipulated me with that little 'test' of yours. That's just not my style – no thanks. Can we just put it behind us?" Jake scoffed as Clare shot him a death glare and ran ahead in the hallway, leaving him behind as he roller her eyes and headed off in the direction of his own class.

Clare, for one, tried to push the thoughts of Jake away – she had wanted to come home, she reminded herself. Of course there wouldn't be a magic solution, but it was the best place for her – that much she did realize now. Just as she looked up ahead, she saw Eli walking alongside Imogen, and she squinted to see what he was holding. A disturbed look crossed her face when she saw that he was reading a paper with the U of T logo at its top. Clare exhaled angrily when she realized that for two people who were broken up, Eli and Imogen sure had made the transition to friends easily, and to Clare they seemed to spend a ton of time together.

She tried to get a better look at the paper as she got closer to them, and she could hear Eli say, "It's a good personal statement, Imo. You'll get in for sure, but…if you want to make it even stronger…"

When Imogen eagerly nodded in his way and Eli smirked at her, Clare decided she didn't like this. Not one bit.

"Yes! Please give me writing advice, it's what I need," Imogen said as she looked up at Eli.

"Well, the writing communicated that you're really interested in psychology, and I get that you want to get involved in research and work on studies, but…the point in making you do a supplemental application is that the admission committee wants you to show it, not just say it. I had to submit writing samples with mine, you know. So…you should show it, because you're not like all the wanna be students. You are actually really interested in psychology and psychiatry," Eli shrugged as Clare got a thoughtful look on her face as she heard Eli describing Imogen.

"I know," Imogen conceded, "But how do you suggest I do that? How can I show them?" she asked.

"I think," Eli replied as he looked at her, and Clare had to lean closer because his voice had gotten a lot softer. "I think…that you should include your art project. You know the one. I'll show you're genuinely interested in…mental health," Eli said.

Clare was shell-shocked. She had Imogen's piece, and if Clare were to call it anything, it would be truly frightening. It was…so extreme; a black background featuring a black and white portrait of Eli with some bold red words scattered across in fuzzy writing; words like 'it's all scrambled,' 'my world does not make sense,' 'I'm a prisoner of my own mind,' and 'I want to change'. Seeing it…had made Clare instantly glad she had broken up with Eli before she got even more involved with him. It had made her…scared.

And now Eli…praised it? It had been quite clear to Clare that Eli had been hurt by the portrait; Mrs. Dawes must have taken it down for a reason, right?

"Eli…I…no," Clare heard Imogen reply to his suggestion.

"Imo, come on. It's a good project. This is university, it's important. And besides, I'm not gonna be the jerk to ruin all your work for a second time," Eli said.

"What do you mean?" Imogen asked, looking very confused.

"After I saw clearly with the play, I was…sad. I was sad that you never got to play your part. You worked so hard – memorized like seven script changes when I was on that craze. And all that work…was for nothing," Eli sighed.

"I wouldn't exactly put it like that. It did lead to me eventually getting my short with you," Imogen replied with a wink, and Clare wondered how Eli could laugh about that – because that's what he did in response, and Imogen giggled as well.

Clare hated that…Imogen could have a friendship with Eli after they had broken up! They were broken up! She shouldn't be anywhere near him, and Eli should be ignoring her. Ignoring her like he ignored me, Clare thought as she adjusted her polo uncomfortably.

She then heard Eli's voice say, "I want you to, okay? Include it in your application. I'm sorry I flipped the first time. It was…just a lot to take in by surprise like that. I know you didn't mean it the way I interpreted it," Eli shrugged.

Clare then saw Imogen give him a shy, grateful smile as she replied, "You, Eli, are such a good guy. You know that, right?"

When Eli just gave Imogen the smallest of smirks but made no reply, Clare looked at him, a worried expression on her face. The way Eli had characterized Imogen…and the way she had characterized him back…it made Clare realize that, broken up or not, they had gotten really close. They understood each other.

XXXXXXXX **AFTERSCHOOL. THEATRE ROOM. Clare is standing in the doorway, watching Eli without him being aware of it. He is looking at a framed photo on the wall, and Clare sees that it's one from "Love Roulette". She can see that it was the dress rehearsal – Imogen was in costume, and Eli had his red jacket on. They were facing each other in the photo, and Eli was holding her hand to his heart, and they were looking at each other, completely absorbed by their roles. Clare sees Eli watching the photo closely, a perturbed look on his face. He is obviously sad and regretful. She hears him sighing as he tilts his head and he pressed his lips together sadly. **

"You liked her," Clare said, surprise in her voice.

Eli startled at her voice, and he just stood quiet for a moment before saying, "Hey".

"You liked her. During the play. In that photo…you liked her," Clare said, sounding rather unhappy.

Eli sighed sadly again and replied, "That's…that's not what's going on in that picture, Clare. Not that at all," Eli said, wishing that he could explain to Clare that he had wanted to look at it to try to reason out with himself how…he could have behaved the way he did. He wished he could tell her that he wished that by staring at it – at himself – long enough, he'd come to understand. He'd come to an answer that not even his therapist had ever guaranteed him.

"But you…you dated her," Clare accused Eli.

"Yeah, but in September when we came back to school. Not there, not during the play. I dated her…when I knew that I was doing so for the right reasons. I was nowhere near ready to date another girl after…um, at the time of the play," Eli defended himself.

"What happened…with Imogen? Why did you break up? Um, Adam said you did," Clare said, trying to sound non-chalant and not all that interested.

Eli shrugged his shoulders and returned his gaze to the picture. "We gave it a shot. I had no idea that…she'd want a shot…after what I did. Fiona knew though, and she made me see it. I knew I owed it to Imogen, and…she was just so nice to me that I started to see her in a different light. It was the least I could do for her…and I thought that I could be the guy to make her happy and that I could make myself happy as well in the process of making her happy. So we gave it a shot, but…I don't know, we tried and she realized she didn't really want it after all. Happens all the time," Eli said, flashing Clare a perfect emotionless smirk that reminded her so much of the way he looked once they had returned to school after spring break.

"Why didn't it work?" Clare asked.

"She has feelings for someone else. Happens all the time," Eli said with another perfect emotionless smirk.

"I'm sorry," Clare replied.

"Don't be. I'm not. It was…something Imo and I both needed to do, I think. We only dated for a week, we ended before we even really took off. It was just something short that we could see wasn't what she wanted. I just regret the way…I hurt her when I first met her. With my crazy play," Eli said sadly as he looked at the photo again.

"Your play wasn't crazy," Clare said in a whisper.

"Really?" Eli asked her poignantly. "Because I'm pretty sure that that is the adjective your article used to describe it. The only adjective…out of all the ones in the English language. Not that it's the wrong one. Crazy…complete with a manic moment at the end," Eli said as Clare heard his voice fall.

Clare then burst out, "I'm sorry I didn't mention you in my article".

"Doesn't matter," Eli replied with a wave of his hand.

"Yes it does!" Clare replied, raising her voice. "Of course it does! Eli, that play was written by you…the whole thing. You were the male lead, it had you written all over it! You carried the entire production from start to finish. What kind of review doesn't mention that?" Clare asked.

"One that wants to focus on other things," Eli said as he looked her in the eye, and Clare what he meant. One that focuses on other…on another boy.

It was a long silent moment before Eli rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably and said, "Um, I didn't know you needed the drama room. I'll get out of your way".

"What are you doing in here anyway?" Clare asked, hating that her question had come out hostile…when she didn't mean it to be.

"Mrs. Dawes is running a get-ready-for-highschool English writing with the incoming kids at Degrassi next year – she wants them to spend some time preparing. I need thirty hours of volunteer service so I can graduate; she asked me to help her run the project and I said yes," Eli replied with a shrug.

"Why didn't she ask me too?" Clare asked, realizing that the feeling of being left out was not a good one.

"I don't know," Eli honestly replied. "Probably just because I'm in grade 12 and you're already so busy with helping council sometimes," Eli kindly said.

"I only helped with council because I'd help Alli sometimes. I'm not doing that anymore," Clare said stubbornly, confusing Eli a little.

"But..grad?" Clare asked with a disturbed look on her face. "Incoming class…" she said in confusion as something hit her like a ton of bricks. Eli was leaving in a few months. He was…already preparing for grad, doing what most students did right before graduating, their final requirement…the 30 hours of service.

"Yeah," Eli said softly.

_Ask him about university. Ask him where he's going. Ask him if he's applied. Do it. Come on, just ask him. _Clare told herself, but her body would not listen to her mind. What if…what if he had decided to leave…to go out of town for university? Clare knew that…she'd probably never see him again…maybe once or twice through frosted windows of the mall when he'd come for Christmas.

_Ask him. Come on. Do it _she kept telling herself urgently as Eli looked at her and she could see the sadness in his eyes.

When the door to the theatre room flew open, Clare flinched as she felt her heart beat faster.

"What the hell, Clare!" Jake's angry voice came bursting through, a stark contrast to the softness of the previous moment. "I told you to wait for me by my truck after school so we can go home. Do you think it's funny or something to make me look all over the school for you? I promised Jenna I'd drive her to an audition, and thanks to your dramatic ways, now she's gonna be late. Let's go, Clare. Now," Jake said, taking in Eli at the end of his exclamation.

"I'm looking all over for you and here you are playing hooky with Eli in the drama room," Jake said as he shook his head in fury.

"Oh, I'm not doing anything with Eli!" Clare yelled at Jake in frustration, and Eli took that as his cue to leave and headed for the doors of the drama room.

"No!" Clare screeched at him. "Eli, I came here to talk to you, don't go. Jake was just leaving," Clare said, hoping to get a rise out of Jake.

Eli just looked back and forth between Clare and Jake, and Clare saw that this was no repeat of the cabin trip. Eli could now tell that he was being used, and Clare knew that it was hurting him.

"Don't go, Eli. I'm asking you not to," she said again, feeling a slight remorse at…doing this on purpose.

"Clare, stop being such a drama queen. Let's go. Now. You're gonna make Jenna miss her audition completely, and she's been working so hard on this new great song," Jake said.

Clare angrily threw her hands up in the air at the repeat of Jenna's name and Jake's obvious admiration for Jenna's talents and she yelled, "I'm not going with you. I'm not".

Jake then glared at her and said, "Oh, _I'm sorry _– did I start that sentence with 'If it please Your Royal Highness?"

"Oh, will you cut the sarcasm for one second!" Clare exclaimed, looking more furious than Eli had ever seen her.

"Like hell you're not going with me. I'm not having my dad be pissed at me some more because Helen's sulking because of your behaviour," Jake replied, trying to keep calm and just reason with her.

"I'm not going with you!" Clare yelled, and Jake knew that there was no reasoning with her, no matter how much he had hoped for it. "No, Jake, no. Do you know what it's like to ride with you and your stupid girlfriend, flirting right under my nose the entire time?" Clare angrily asked.

Jake laughed sarcastically and his gaze then shifted to the laugh and he mischievously said, "Well, gee Clare, I don't know…why don't we ask Eli? He's right in this room, isn't he?"

Eli didn't say anything, he just flashed Jake a look of daggers, being well aware that throwing a punch would conscript him to at least ten more hours with his psychiatrist, and even if Eli liked the kind lady, he was counting down the sessions until his intensive therapy would be over. Just three more, he told himself. I have no intention of making it thirteen, he thought as he just glared at Jake.

"Oh, you leave him out of this!" Clare replied angrily, staring up at Jake while her body was shaking with fury. "I'm not riding with you and Jenna. If you want me to go with you, she's not coming. It's one or the other Jake – me or her," Clare said slowly.

"Oh, I see," Jake replied, employing a potent sarcasm in his voice that always had the power to anger Clare more than anything else. "I see, Clare…got another little ultimatum for me, huh? Because the first one worked so well the first time around. When are you gonna get it through your head, Clare? People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out! Jenna is my girl now – JENNA. It's bad enough my dad's making me babysit you so Helen lose her mind to get another phonecall saying her daughter fled to some druggie house while she thought you were safely at your dad's," Jake said, and Eli widened his eyes at what to him sounded like crazy information. Who was Jake talking about? It sure didn't sound like Clare to Eli.

"_Your girl_? Jenna is your girl, huh?" Clare asked in fury, and Eli's eyes widened even further when he saw Clare pick up a nearby book and throw it right at Jake. "You!" Clare screamed at Jake. "You are nothing but a pathetic excuse for a man! I hate you Jake! You can't even call a girl your girlfriend! I'm going up and down these halls calling you my boyfriend and you didn't call me your girlfriend – not even once! You humiliated me! How dare you?" Clare was screaming in absolute hysterics as she was throwing more books in Jake's direction as he was dodging them.

"Shame on you! You can't even think as girls as anything but one or another! _Another woman_, huh? How I let you fool me I'll never know! I hate you! I HATE YOU! And I'm not going with you or her Jake! I'm a person too, and I'll make my own damn choices," Clare said, shaking with fury as she was yelling.

Jake scoffed in fury at Clare and yelled back, "Fine! Have fun walking home princess!"

"So that's it? You're just gonna leave?" Clare said, making Jake roll his eyes at her suddenly flocking to the other extreme – the entire day she'd been yelling at him to get away from her, and now this?

Clare then felt her chin tremble as she asked, "Don't you _care _about me? You came to find me…at the house…to bring me home!" she pointed out.

"As your brother! Because Helen and my dad freaked out, and because I knew you had no idea what you were getting yourself into. You're so naïve, Clare," Jake replied.

"I am NOT NAÏVE!" Clare exploded. "Run along to your skank, Jake! Have her show you all her 'talents' – get ready to be a daddy! To TWO BABIES!" Clare yelled.

"Okay, that's enough," Jake said in anger. "I've had it with this, Clare! I tried to help you because I could tell that I led you on a little…messed with your head a little, but not on purpose. But look at you –" Jake said as he gestured to her with his hands, pointing to the mess of books all around them. "Clare…I can't do it anymore. You're _crazy_! I can't do this. I tried to help you…but you're like…helpless. You've gone off the deep end. I can't be expected to deal with this!" Jake said and he saw a stoic expression on Clare's face that he had never seen there before.

Eli then stepped towards them and said, "Okay, Jake, I think that's enough. You'd better leave now," his voice calm and soothing, but very assertive.

"Shut up, Eli!" he then heard Clare yell. "Let him make his choices all on his own – he's a big boy! He knows exactly what he's doing!" Clare said.

"I tried to help you –" Jake began again, but Clare cut him off at once.

"Tried to _help me_?" she said with a bitter laugh. "All _you_ ever cared about was your selfish pleasures! Let's just do what makes us feel good, huh?" Clare shot at Jake, and her words made Eli's widen as he looked at Jake with a raised eyebrow and his eyes flew to Clare's left hand. Just because it was there didn't mean anything, Eli knew. He knew Clare's mom, and of course Clare would want to deceive her.

"I _did_ care about you," Jake honestly said.

However, Clare didn't see it this way, and she picked up the latest edition of the Oxford English Dictionary and launched it across the room at Jake, who easily moved out of its trajectory.

Clare then screamed, "No you _didn't_! You don't know what caring is! Knocking on my door every God damn night when our parents were out – every night, Jake!" she said, and Eli felt his heart sink.

Clare then ran her fingers through her hair in frustration and shouted, "_If_ you would have cared about me, you would have _left me the hell alone_! But no – God damn knocking on my door _every damn night_," she said, and Eli knew that in her hysteria, that point was actually a very sound one.

"Clare, stop it," Jake then assertively said, walking towards her.

"Don't you dare touch me! Don't you ever touch me again!" Clare said, breaking out in wild sobs. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Eli look at her worriedly as he walked to her side.

Jake then yelled, "You're crazy!"

"Don't you dare call me that! Don't you dare to try to blame all of this on me by calling me crazy! I'm not going to be a scapegoat for what is _your_ fault!" Clare screamed.

"It's not all my fault - I never forced you into anything, Clare, and you don't see me acting this way right now! I can't make you come with me. I can't tame your crazy. I'm out of here…this is too much, Clare. I tried to help you, I really did…but I can't be expected to deal with this. Come back to reality, Clare, for your mom's sake," Jake said before he turned around and began walking towards the door as Clare sobbed powerfully and grabbed her purse.

"That's right!" she yelled after Jake. "_Take off_! Take off when things don't go your way! Just take off! It's what you're best at! It's all you ever did! You used me and tossed me aside so take off – just take off!" she shouted as she threw her purse and all its contents after Jake. When it slammed into the window by the door, Clare kept sobbing and she grabbed a nearby ceramic mug from the teachers' desk and threw it at the window that showed the image of Jake walking away. When the mug collided with the glass, both broke, shattering into a million little pieces with a sharp noise that made Clare flinch.

"Bet you loved _that_," she then yelled, not turning around to face Eli. "Bet it's what you dreamed of ever since you met Jake!" she accused.

Eli softly replied, "Clare, I never wished something like this for you. I didn't like anything about what I just saw other than maybe the fact that you told Jake some things that it sounds like he needed to hear. I didn't know…he hurt you like that," Eli said.

"He promised!" Clare yelled in complete hysterics. "He said he'd _never hurt me_! He said he loved me…turns out I was just _some joke_ to him," Clare said, her voice no longer at the top of her lungs. "How could he say those things? He broke my heart…just like I broke this window," Clare said, and as Eli moved to her side so he could see her eyes, he didn't like the wild sparkle in them as she began moving towards the glass.

"Clare, don't go over there," Eli told her assertively.

"I'm so tired of people telling me what to do and what to not do," Clare said with a smile that scared Eli to his very core. "I'm not his girl anymore, Eli, you heard him! I can do _whatever_ I want!" she said in a strange tone as Eli watched her take her flats off.

"What are you doing? Clare, come here," Eli said.

"I'm not listening to you," she said with a childish laugh that made Eli realize…what was going on here. "I'm not listening to anyone! I don't care…about anyone! No one cares about _me_, and I don't care about _them_! I've finally figured it out, Eli – that's the secret to happiness. Jake doesn't give a damn about me, and he's happy! So I'm not gonna care either, and I'll be free," she said as a smile took over her entire face through her tear-stained cheeks and her eyes widened as she laughed again.

"Clare…look at me," Eli said.

"No!" Clare said, and she laughed again. "No! I love saying no! No Jake…you can't kiss me…you can't come into my room…you can't fix my hand…you can't lay down on my bed…you can't touch –"

"Stop it," Eli said softly. "Don't say the rest," he pleaded.

"It's so pretty – isn't it?" Clare then asked as she tilted her head at the shards of glass, widening her eyes at them. "I love it," she said, both of her flats being off by now. When she took another step forward, Eli decided that no matter how much he didn't want to lay a finger on her after what he had seen and the things that he had heard her say, it wasn't really an option not to.

He moved to her quickly and placed his arms around her from behind and lifted her up effortlessly before she began to struggle in his grip, but he managed to walk over far away from the glass and bring her over to the bleachers in the room.

"Let me go! Let me go, Eli!" she screamed in hysterics, being overcome by sobs once again, her chest heaving wildly and scaring Eli.

"No," Eli said softly. "No, Clare, no," he said as she turned around in his embrace and his heart broke at her teary face, mascara everywhere and nothing but pain in her eyes. He wanted to just calmly sit her down on the bleachers, but instead he felt Clare hang onto him into their embrace, so he just sat down himself and kept her in his lap as she was sobbing wildly and hiding her face in his neck.

"Why are you still here? Huh? Why don't you hate me?" Clare screamed through her sobs. "Why don't you, huh? Where's evil shrew, Clara, Eli? Where is she?" Clare screamed in hysterics. "Why is she the hero instead?" Clare asked as Eli could distinctly make out the words.

"Because she just is," Eli said softly as he felt Clare's chest trembling against his own and he locked his arms behind her back tightly, because the way that her arms looped around his shoulder blades and hung on to him as if he was the only thing anchoring her to Earth told him that Clare needed to know that someone was holding her tight and wouldn't just walk away.

"How can he say those things to me? He's supposed to love me! He said he did!" Clare whined painfully.

"I know, I know he did," Eli said softly as he looked at her shaking shoulders with worry.

"I hate him," Clare said through her tears, and then Eli felt her pull away and as her entire body shuddered.

She was shaking her head as tears streamed down her face and she raised her voice as she said, "And I hate you!"

Eli gave her a sad smirk and simply replied, "I know. You always have," feeling himself be instantly transported to a past memory upon returning to school and his desperate denial to think that he was over Clare.

"I hate that you dated _her_! I hate that you wrote another story! All I _ever_ wanted was to be happy," Clare whined as her striking blue eyes looked up at Eli.

She saw his entire face fall for the first time and his voice was a little raspy as he replied, "And I'm really sorry I couldn't make that happen for you. But I did try, Clare. I gave it everything I had. I know that I did stupid thing after stupid thing, but if it's one thing that I was very clear about it was that my goal was to make you happy. But I just couldn't, and I know why," Eli finished.

"Why?" Clare asked as Eli felt her hands release him from their death grip.

"Because I'm not the one you wanted! You never would have been happy with me, Clare. Something would have always been wrong. Nothing was clearer to me that day in the sweat lodge. Nothing. You wanted Jake, and it didn't matter that you didn't talk to him during our relationship. He would have come back into your life, and he's the one you want. But it's okay. This kind of thing happens all the time all over the world," Eli said with a shrug.

Clare fired him a feisty glare in response and shouted, "You were so damn crazy, Eli! You crashed your hearse to stop us from breaking up!" Clare accused him and she saw Eli look down and away from her. "How dare you turn so crazy on me? How dare you change on me like that? I bet you love this! I bet you love crazy Clare!" she screamed in hysterics.

"I don't like this at all! And you're _not_ crazy, Clare. Stop saying that," Eli told her strictly.

"You heard him! He just wrote me off as crazy, just like that, when I be the way he wanted!" Clare protested.

"Clare, he's an idiot throwing words around that he doesn't have the faintest clue about because he just wants to walk away. Sorry, but that's what's going on there. It's easy to dismiss someone by calling them crazy. He doesn't want to feel guilty about the fact that he obviously mistreated you," Eli pointed out.

"He did?" Clare asked, and Eli hated that she sounded all of five years old.

"Clare…yes, he did. I don't know what happened, but…he obviously promised you things he never had an intention of carrying out," Eli pointed out.

"Everything is so messed up, Eli," Clare sighed as she gripped him tightly again and returned her face to his neck. Eli could feel her labored breathing against his skin, and he gently rubbed her back in a soothing manner with both of his hands.

"It'll get better, Clare. Time and distance have a way of changing things, you'll see," he told her gently.

"Don't you dare throw some melodramatic cliché at me, Eli! Don't you dare! I hate you! I HATE YOU!" Clare screamed, and Eli felt her hands leave his back and he soundlessly gasped in shock when Clare's fists delivered a series of rapid fire punches to his chest.

"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you for –" she was saying as Eli watched her shell-shocked.

"For what? For being crazy?" he asked as he felt himself tear up.

"No! For _making me love you_!" Clare screamed at the top of her lungs, and with a violent sob, her punches stopped and she collided her upper body with Eli's again as she sobbed into his shoulder.

"Oh, Clare," Eli sighed as he resumed his gentle caresses of her back. "That's the least of your worries. You and I both know that you don't love me," Eli said through gritted teeth.

"I hate him!" Clare then sighed, and Eli interpreted that as a sign of what he had known all along.

This wasn't about him. Not even a little bit. This – as everything else since Jake had walked into her life – was about Jake. It _was all about Jake. _

"Clare," Eli sighed emotionally. "It's okay, I got you. I got you," he said reassuringly, and Clare felt him holding her tightly. He began rocking her slowly, extremely worried about her wild breathing pattern as her face was hiding in his neck and the moisture of her tears against his skin made him get goose bumps all over his body. Eli could tell that the gentle rocking motion was helping Clare calm down somewhat.

"Shh. Shh. It's okay, Clare. It's okay to cry," Eli gently whispered to her as he patted her curls down for just a second, not sure if she'd like that touch on her body.

"No, it's not," Eli heard then whimper, making him raise an eyebrow.

"Yes it is, trust me it is," Eli replied.

"It's not! Crying is over dramatic…and he…he doesn't like that. I can't…he doesn't like it. No one will love me if I'm a big crybaby," Clare said, and with those words, Eli gently moved his hands to her underarms and slowly pulled her out of their embrace, wanting to be able to see her eyes as he softly told her,

"Clare…there's nothing wrong with feeling, and showing that you feel. Look around – it's just me and you in here," he said and Clare sobbed and pushed their bodies together again.

Eli continued, "Shh. Shh," as he patted her curls down again and told her, "Clare…it's okay," as her body shook violently with painful, deep sobs. "Shh. It's okay. Let it out. Let it all out. It's me, Clare. It's Eli. It's just me. You don't have to censor yourself around me," he told her, all the patience and gentleness in the world condensed in his soft voice.

Upon hearing his words, Clare's entire body shook with powerful sobs…over and over and over again. Eli felt the entire shoulder of his uniform shirt get moist, but he did not falter for one second, rubbing her back gently with one hand in their embrace and pulling her curls back and patting them over and over again as he felt Clare's body enter a state of permanent shaking. He felt her nails digging into his back as she was holding onto him for dear life, but he didn't ask her to change anything about herself or the way that she was acting.

"How could he do those things? All of them? How can he say them to me? How can he…choose her? He said he loved ME! So many times that he said it…over and over again when I'd get mad at him for doing a stupid thing…He always pulled out those words!" Clare said, past memories of betrayals flashing in her mind. The way he had cuddled under a blanket with Katie, staring right at her because he knew he was torturing her!

_He knew! He must have knew, and he took a perverse pleasure in it! _Clare thought. _The way he kissed Alli hours after telling me _

_he loved me! The way he…played me._

"I know, Clare. I know. I know he told you that many times. It's not fair. It just isn't," Eli sighed gently.

_It's not fair that he gets your love and he doesn't even realize how lucky he is. It's not fair he says things he does not understand. It's not fair that a girl as special as you gets mistreated by him. _Eli thought, but he did not voice these thoughts, because he thought Clare loved Jake and she wouldn't like to hear those things coming from him. She'd react one of two ways, Eli knew. She'd get mad – furious – and tell him he has no business talking about strapping, perfect, Jake Martin that way, or the more likely of the two, she'd just flash him a look of daggers and say that he was not making any sense, that he was talking like…the crazy person that he was.

"Shh, Clare. It's okay. It's okay. I got you. I got you," Eli repeated and all Clare could feel as she felt her runny nose drip all over Eli's shirt, moving to the other side of his neck as she wanted some dry fabric against her face was the way he pulled her into an even tighter hug and the way he pulled all her curls back into a loose ponytail without the benefit of an elastic band and the way that he was rocking her back and forth, so slowly and so gently as his own body was tense and filled with worry.

"Don't think about anything right now, Clare. I got you. But…you're crying so hard. Let's try to calm down a bit, okay? Both of us, we can do it together. I'm afraid you're crying so hard something bad is going to happen soon. You're placing your body under a lot of stress," Eli told her when he noticed that her sobs were now accompanied by hiccups that made her entire body tremble and jolt.

"I don't know how…I can't calm down," Clare said, pulling out to meet Eli's eyes, and all he saw in them was a wild fear that he knew all too well what felt like.

"Yes, you can," Eli whispered into her ear slowly, remembering what his therapist had taught him. "Clare, your body is under your own control. All you have to do is make your breaths as deep as possible, and tell yourself there's no more tears now. No more tears," he said gently as Clare felt him take her hand in his own. When Eli placed it over his heart, Clare smiled softly at him.

"Can you feel that? Don't breathe any faster than that beat, okay? All we have to do is to get this breathing under control and you'll be better, Clare, I promise you," Eli told her.

"I trust you," Clare said emotionally as Eli felt himself lose control for a just of second at being as close to her as physically possible without touching his lips to hers.

"Okay, good," Eli said, gaining control of himself once again and hugging her tightly. He rested Clare's head on his shoulder as he softly whispered to her, "Don't think about anything else but getting this breathing under control, okay? Shh. Shh. I got you. But please try to stop crying. He's not worth your tears, Clare. Shh. This too shall pass. It's just a temporary setback. Shh. I know it hurts. Let it hurt a little. But try to breathe, okay? You'll be all right, Clare. You'll be all right," Eli softly said as he felt Clare moving her hand all over his chest.

"Shh. Shh. Got you," Eli said as he felt her sob and sob and sob.

"There you go, easy does it," he finally said after he felt Clare's body go slightly limp against his. Just a second after, he heard Clare whisper,

"Couch," in an assertive tone.

"What?" Eli asked, a little confused.

"I want to go sit on the couch, better than these bleachers," she clarified.

Eli then lifted her up gently, keeping one hand around her back and the other lower than his hands had ever gone on her body as he needed to support her as he carried her.

He then sat down on the couch with Clare in his lap, and she burrowed her face out of Eli's neck as she gave him a soft smile.

"Oh, Clare," Eli said emotionally when he saw how badly swollen her eyes were and just how much she had been through. Clare watched as he pulled out a tissue from his jean pocket, and she felt his gentle slow touches cleaning her face, wiping away all the mascara that she knew must have been streaking like crazy and all of her tears that made her taste salt.

"I'm okay," Clare then said confidently as Eli tossed the tissue into a nearby garbage can, taking in the mess of books and glass that Clare's moment of imbalance had created.

"Eli – lean back, I'm not comfortable," Clare then instructed, and Eli then did as she asked.

When Clare's breath hitched and she changed her position to one where her legs were straddling Eli and she was slightly towering over him, he instantly gave her an incredibly confused look.

"Come on," Clare then said assertively. "Come on. How do you want it?" she asked, and her sweater flew off of her body in a flash.

"Clare, what are you doing?" Eli asked, completely stupefied.

"Stop," she said as Eli tried to reach out for her hand so he could stop her. "Stop it, Eli!" she shouted. "Don't you see?" she then asked. "I'm losing everything I love – and not by choice! My parents, their marriage, peace in my house, my boyfriend – everything, Eli! I'M LOSING EVERYTHING, and it's all out of my control! Well, not this. This I can control," she said stubbornly.

"Clare," Eli sighed, sounding perfectly broken hearted. "No. Clare, no," he said.

"Why not! Am I not good enough?" Clare then asked.

"Stop this!" Eli said, starting to feel really hurt now.

"You had sex with her, I bet!" Clare accused Eli.

"Clare, despite what you seem to think, I don't date girls just to get into their pants. I dated Imogen for a week – neither of us were gonna fool ourselves to the point where we'd decide we'd be ready for sex," Eli honestly told Clare.

"Eli, I want to – come on," Clare said, pressing her body against his.

"C-Clare," Eli gasped, taking a deep breath. "I'm not doing this. I know you think I'm some monster that's all wrong, but I'm not having sex with you…I'm not even your boyfriend, Clare. Sex is for…sex is for love, Clare. Reciprocated love. Not one-sided love and rebellion on the other," Eli told her, unintentionally revealing what he still felt for Clare.

"No, it doesn't have to be! Sex can be for fun, he said. I choose fun. I choose to lose everything I love to someone who at least deserves it," Clare said with desperation in her voice.

"What did…what did you do…with him? He took it too far…didn't he? Didn't he, Clare?" Eli asked with obvious worry in his eyes.

"I did! I took it too far! Eli, I laid him down in my bed…I…was gonna have sex with him, I was ready to – right then I there…I had him in my bed, I was taking my shirt off –" Clare said before Eli cut her off.

"Okay, I thought I could listen to this, but I'm sorry, I just can't," Eli said.

"No! Nothing happened! He broke up with me, Eli, when he realized sex comes with forever!" Clare finally said, her chin trembling.

"Oh, Clare," Eli sighed, shooting her a heartbroken look. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You deserve better," Eli replied.

"Exactly," Clare said, "so come on," and she grabbed Eli's hand and without the slightest hesitation she placed it on her outer thigh…under her skirt and firmly held it there.

"Just take them off, come on," she instructed as Eli stood shell-shocked when he saw her unbutton the first buttons of her Degrassi polo.

"Woah," he said, lighting entering his whole body as he pulled his hand away, only to met with a forceful slap from Clare before she reached for his open military-style shirt and tugged at it, accidentally ripping it along its collar line.

"Clare, stop!" Eli gently told her. "We're not doing this. I'm not doing this to you. I'm not going to rip your virginity away from you on the couch in the drama room in the most horrible and selfish way possible. Sex is for love, and there's no trace of love going on here. If I were to do this, it would be like…like, rape, Clare, because you're not thinking clearly. Just like you didn't' the first time – you might think I said no because I was some crazy hoarder, but I'm not a monster – I know this is not how you want the loss of your virginity to go, just like the first time wasn't either. And I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna be that guy," Eli pointed out as he fixed his shirt and took her hands slowly in his.

"Eli…Eli please," Clare said, leaning in to try to kiss him.

"Don't," Eli breathed as his entire body shook with emotion. "Don't kiss me like this," he all but begged.

"You don't get it!" Clare whined painfully. "I can't manage my own life, Eli, don't you get it? I lose everything I love – my boyfriend, my family, my best friend – before I even know what I'm doing! One day I'll wake up with my virginity lost and no idea of how it happened. I want to take control before – I just can't seem to do anything right! This way…this way…I won't regret it. This way I can look back on it and know that it was with someone who loved me!" Clare pleaded.

"But you will regret it, Clare. No way. No," Eli assertively said.

"Come on, Eli, I know you want to," Clare then replied as she tried one more time to take his dress shirt off, knowing she'd still have his blue polo to go after that.

"Clare," Eli then said, a little bit louder when Clare tried to kiss him again. He gently grabbed her biceps and kept her at a safe distance away from him in their embrace as he gently continued, "I know that what we had doesn't mean much to you, but it does to me. Our last kiss was at least sincere if nothing else. Don't ruin my memories by kissing me this way. All I've got are our memories," he said, and Clare looked at him sadly.

"Not anymore," she then said softly. "Now you can have my virginity too, Eli," Clare added as her soft hands slipped under Eli's shirt and she ran them up and down his chest with so much confidence that Eli knew that…she had clearly done more with Jake then she had ever done with him. She had clearly spent time with Jake…shirtless, at the very least, and Eli knew it.

"Clare –" Eli faltered as he tried to gather his wits, but the moment was too strong. She had never touched him like this before and for a moment, he felt as if he had entered his sweetest fantasy when Clare looked right down at him and softly said,

"Eli…I want to give you this". However, the minute she pushed up against him even more, the way she was so…forward made Eli flinch…this was not…this was not his Clare, and he knew it. He knew it by the way that she was acting.

"No…Clare…I can't take it," he said, and he gently reached forward and buttoned up her red polo, his hands shaking as they loomed dangerously close to her cleavage as they fastened the last buttons. When Eli could tell that she had a black lacy bra on, he felt his body take on a mind of its own.

"Oh," Clare softly gasped, feeling it too. "Eli," she said as she placed one hand in his hair and ran it through many times, moving forward to hug him, her hot breath on his neck.

"Eli," she said again, a soft moan to her voice as she added, "I can tell you want to," and she could feel Eli's chest rising and falling irregularly as his breaths were much louder.

"Oh my God," she heard him gasp when she placed her lips on his neck, and just like that, he grasped her biceps again and gently pushed her away. Clare saw him pull his military shirt down his body a little further and he breathed in deeply before he said,

"I'm not…I'm not going to take everything that matters away from you like this. I'm not even your boyfriend. Come on, please stop," Eli said, and Clare could tell how difficult everything was for him – his voice was raspy and his breathing ragged.

But the fact that he had basically rejected her, using his brain when his body was clearly giving him another signal, infuriated her to no end.

"You never did find me desirable! At least Jake wanted to fuck me!" she shot at him, leaving Eli open-mouthed.

"I never wanted to fuck you Clare, you go that right at least," Eli said. "All I ever wanted to do was make you happy! Did I dream about us being together? Did I dream that one day you'd come to me and tell me it's our someday? Did I dream about that? About getting to make love to you all night long? You have no idea how many times…no idea, Clare. It was my favourite dream," Eli said as he let out a heavy breath, his chest softly trembling.

"It…was?" Clare then asked, calming down significantly. "As in…past tense? You don't have that dream anymore? You have a different one now?" she asked meaningfully.

"I don't have dreams at all anymore. Not good ones, anyway. The few times that I dream it's all nightmares," Eli confessed as Clare placed her hands on his shoulders and he breathed in relief that he wouldn't have to do any more of the most difficult kind of fighting with her…and himself.

"Why?" Clare asked, confused.

Eli shrugged before answering, "Meds. I can't get to bed easily and by the time that I do, the doc says it's not long enough to get proper REM sleep".

"Eli," Clare said with a distant, but loving look. "Were…were your dreams…good?" she asked, and Eli's heart beat quickened when she giggled for the first time.

Eli sighed heavily before looking away from her and replying, "I…never wanted to wake up. Kind of like the rest of our relationship there – tells you something about how I'd screw it up eventually, doesn't it?" he said with a bitter laugh.

Clare then hung onto him tightly as she felt him move towards the floor and she co-operated as Eli lovingly put her sweater back on her body and giving her a soft smirk.

"There," he said once she was no longer exposed, pulling her skirt down as well, since the motions of Clare's action of placing Eli's hand under its hem had caused it to rise up.

"So pretty," Eli praised, because he didn't like seeing Clare exposed…he liked her just the way she was, in her uniform, her pretty eyes looking up at him with…trust. It had been so long since he had seen trust in those eyes, and it meant the world to him.

"I'm sorry," Clare then whispered, embarrassed. "It wasn't fair, what I just did to you," she said.

"Don't worry about it," Eli said, somewhat uncomfortably.

When he felt her lean into him, hiding her face in his neck again, Eli sighed and locked his arms around her back, just holding her tightly.

"I wish…I wish I could wash all your pain away like a cleansing rain," he whispered to her.

"Everything is so messed up, Eli," Clare said as she laid limp against him, and she began to cry softly; Eli could feel the little beads of tears through his blue polo.

"Shh. It's okay, sweetheart. You just calmed down, please don't start crying again, you were crying so hard that I was so worried," Eli pleaded.

His words, however, meant nothing – within minutes, Clare had worked herself up right back to wild sobbing and trembling in Eli's arms, her entire exposed skin being covered with goose bumps. Eli's gentle caresses of her arms did nothing, and he began to worry that Clare was now headed for a full blown panic attack.

"Sweetheart, come on. Try breathing, please. Come on, Clare. It's okay. We'll figure it out. It'll be okay," Eli was saying to her assuringly.

"I don't feel good," Eli then heard her softly whimper, and he hated the way she was shaking in his arms.

"What hurts?" Eli asked as he rubbed circles in her back.

"Everything," Clare answered with a deep sigh.

"Shh. Shh. I know, I know, it all hurts. But I promise you it will get better," Eli softly whispered to her, and he felt Clare's chin rest on top of his shoulder just before he felt a cold, watery liquid run down his shoulder…as Clare threw up unexpectedly, caring herself more than Eli.

"Woah," Eli said, placing his hand to the back of her head at once because he could tell that Clare had been caught off guard. "It's okay," he said, scrambling as Clare moved out of his embrace, throwing up as she turned sideways in his lap.

She felt Eli's hands pool all of her curls together at the back of her head, and even if she couldn't express it, she was infinitely grateful for that gesture on his part.

"Oh my God," she softly whimpered in terror once it was over. "Eli, I'm so sorry!" she said, blushing about ten different shades of red.

"You don't have to be sorry about anything," Eli assured her, but Clare could tell that when she had thrown up all over him, he had gagged and that right now, he was trying really hard not to inhale.

"Oh my God, oh my God," Clare still whispered in terror. "That was so gross, so disgusting. I can't believe you…I'm so sorry," Clare pleaded, but then she felt Eli's hand gently caress her cheek as he said, "Clare…I don't care about my shirt," as Clare saw him slide it off, leaving only his blue polo on, but Clare could tell that that also had a little bit of throw up on it. "All I care about," Eli continued, "is that you are crying so hard that you are literally making yourself sick, Clare," he said as Clare nodded tearfully and ran right back into his arms.

"I'm sorry," she said, and Eli could see her legs shaking.

"Let's get you home, Clare. The school is going to close soon," Eli said as he gently lifted her up and Clare wrapped her legs around him as he brought her to the bleachers. When he reached into his bag and pulled out a bottle of lemonade, some crackers, an orange, hand sanitizer and a pack of gum, Clare looked up at him in appreciation and asked,

"How did you have all of this stuff?"

"I…I'm on these new meds…getting close to the end of my therapy and my doc says I don't have to be on the super intense ones anymore, trying to make it so I can get more sleep I think. But the new ones make me nauseous - my doc is pretty awesome, my poor parents tried so hard to get me the best. She's involved with research at U of T, she really is the best - it's a new drug, so it's not coated yet, but she says she'll get it made that way for me so it won't make me throw up so much. But drink the lemonade and eat the crackers, it really helps," Eli told her as Clare wanted nothing but to cry for him…she had no idea what his life was made up of these days.

She then watched with a thoughtful look on her face as she saw Eli clean up the mess that she had made – the visible stains on his blue polo haunting her. She was secretly glad he was doing it, because she knew that if she were to get close to it, she'd probably throw up all over again. She also sighed when she saw Eli clean up all the broken glass and return all the books that were lying on the floor to their proper place.

"I'm gonna get suspended for that window," Clare then whispered in terror. "Oh my God, Eli, I'm gonna be suspended!" she said, outraged.

"No you won't. Because I broke the window," Eli said stubbornly, and he wouldn't let Clare say anything more on the matter.

"Single minded to the point of recklessness…prone to property damage in moments of stress," Eli sadly recited in a low voice. "It's what my therapist says…Simpson knows, it's no secret to him. Makes a lot more sense for us to say I broke it, it's just easier, all right?" Eli explained, but after that he would not bear any more discussion of the matter.

Clare really did feel better after her little snack – she had barely eaten anything at lunch, and she knew that that must have had something to deal with how awful she had been feeling.

"Feel better?" Eli asked her with a smirk after he was all done with the clean up.

"Much. Thank you," Clare softly whispered as she walked right towards him and flung her arms around his neck.

The next thing that she knew, Eli had noticed the way that her entire body was trembling after the shock of everything that had happened to her, and she felt herself being lifted into his arms, and she wrapped her legs around him. Closing her eyes as she clung onto him tightly, she felt herself being pulled into his lap as he got into a cab, and Clare's sleep infused senses remembered him apologizing for not being able to drive her in a car, and a phone call being made to her mom that had Eli explaining that he was bringing Clare home from school because she was a little sad and she needed a going home friend, an explanation that almost brought tears to Clare's eyes again. She then felt herself being lifted again as she saw Eli pay for the cab through misty eyes, and she heard the jingling of her own keys in his hands.

"I'm going to have to go in your room, I'm sorry," she heard him say softly, and this time a tear did escape her eye at the memory of how respectful Eli was…even after all of their dating, he had never barged into her room – not a single time. He had never been up there, and Clare knew that it was because he knew that he would have been the first boy to do so and he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. When she thought of the way that she had made out with Jake on her bed literally the first time that she saw him again, Clare wanting nothing than to cry again, but she had no energy left. Eli…Eli had respected her so…never asked for anything. Clare knew that…Jake had expected sex soon. He couldn't have been expected with being allowed to cross just three bases – something that Clare had allowed him and now, as she looked up at Eli as he placed her in her bed ever so delicately, she deeply regretted.

"He didn't deserve it," she mumbled sleepily as Eli looked at her in confusion as he drew up all of her soft blankets, reaching for another that was placed on a nearby chair as well, because he wanted her to be warm.

Clare felt him leaning in as he pulled the warm blankets over her, and she reached for him and asked him to sit down on the bed just for a bit. Eli did so, a little hesitant, and Clare turned her body to its side so she could face him.

"Thank you," she softly told him, and Eli looked right into her striking blue eyes as she softly moaned and stretched under her warm blankets.

"Yeah," he said, a little breathlessly as he gazed down at her.

When Clare tried to raise her head a little and only ended up bumping it against the corner of her night stand, Eli gasped and said, "Ouch! You okay? Sorry, should have looked out for you a bit better," he said, sounding very regretful.

"No…Eli…this was amazing…you took such good care of me," Clare said rubbing her forehead a little. Eli had even given her his PE strip at school when he had noticed that she was uncomfortable in her slightly thrown-up on uniform, so Clare was going to bed in her uniform skirt and a T-shirt of Eli's that he had worn to gym earlier that day, one with the image of a rooster on it.

"You rest, okay?" Eli said as Clare rubbed her forehead more ostentatiously, a particular agenda in her mind.

"It hurts," she softly whined, and she felt Eli readjust her blankets gently as he was sitting next to her on the bed. She pulled them further down intentionally, but pretending she was sleepy while doing so. Eli chuckled at what he thought was her sleepy confusion, and he leaned in lower so he could securely tuck her in. When he was just a few centimeters away, Clare smiled as she realized she would emerge triumphant, and just like that, she felt his soft lips press a kiss to her forehead. She moved her hand to the back of his head and softly whispered, "Again," as Eli obeyed. When her hand still didn't leave the back of his head, Eli gently kissed all along her hairline, pressing a kiss to her temple and gently caressing her curls through a series of other kiss that left Clare breathless and completely intrigued. Eli had given her a loving, but not exactly romantic series of small pecks…so why…why…in just those few seconds that his lips traveled along her hairline…why just in the few seconds that she ran her fingers through the hair on the back of his neck…why just in the few seconds that she could feel his breath on her face…his body trembling and his chest rising and falling shallowly…why had those few innocent kisses presented an emotional intensity for her…that was…of a magnitude that was simply incomparable to the touches and sloppy kisses that she had let Jake place all over her face, the touches that she had let him do whatever he pleased with, posing no rules other than one…that she had been ready to break whenever he would ask for it…? Why…why had…the emotional intensity of the way Eli had tended her…hit her more like anything physical that she had experienced…ever?

"Eli, d-don't – please don't – alone" Clare whimpered incoherently, not wanting to ask outright.

"Hey, hey," she heard Eli gently reply as he stood up and kneeled beside her bed. "I'm gonna stay with you until your mom gets here, okay? If you want me to…I'm not going anywhere," Eli said assertively as Clare looked up at him gratefully.

"You never did," she whispered as she closed her eyes, feeling Eli adjust her blankets one more time so she was enveloped by a protective, warm…love.


	3. For the Ups and Downs

XXXXXXX

"You'll be all right…time to rest now. No more tears. Just time to relax and get some sleep, okay?" Eli said as he gazed at a sleepy Clare, and just a few seconds later, he could tell that she had completely dozed off. She was turned on her side, as close to him as he was sitting down on the edge of bed next to her at Clare's wish. He moved off the bed, wanting to have her as much space as possible and not be uncomfortable because of him.

He sighed deeply, calm that she was finally safe as he allowed memories of what happened this afternoon flood his mind. He was happy that he had been able to Clare home safely, but Eli was not a fool, and especially after the last year that he had lived through. Because if he hadn't been able to do much else, he had at least made it through. He scanned Clare's room; he had never been granted the privilege of coming in here before, but he had never asked for it either. He had been well aware that he would have been the first boy she would have brought up to her room, and he didn't want to push it. But as he gazed at her sleeping form on the bed, sadness etched itself on its face when Eli realized that Clare had been the one to bring Jake to this bed, and Eli hated that he now knew that Clare had crossed all those bases with him – apparently, like Clare said, Jake was a boy that needed to be kept entertained. But what Eli hated wasn't that he had never been encouraged to do the same; despite Clare's lack of belief, Eli had made his peace with her physical boundaries very very early on in their relationship.

But he hated that Clare had trusted Jake in a way that Eli knew she had never trusted him. The only time she ever offered him physical affection was when she was, for lack of a better group of words – out of her mind. It was always either used for an alternate purpose, or done as an action in the middle of a nervous breakdown. He hated that loving him, in Clare's mind, seemed to be equated with the most wild and crazy thing out there.

Of course she did, he thought as he sunk into her office chair. But no – not for Jake. Jake was the one she wanted, to the point where he would hurt her time and time again and all Clare would want is for him to love her back. She would always want Jake's love, Eli thought.

He hated that all the pictures on the top of her bookcase were of her and Jake – including one of a sloppy kiss that made Eli want to leave right away. He wasn't sure what he was doing here anymore – she was safe and asleep, so he could leave, right? He thought about it, but he did promise her he'd stay, so he did so. When he heard the front door open, he got up from the office chair that he had been keeping his vigil of Clare in and headed down the stairs.

"Hi Mrs. Edwards –"Eli said nervously, because he wasn't even sure that Clare's mom would remember him. On the phone during the cab ride on his way here, Eli had nervously identified himself as Clare's classmate, 'Eli', but at least Clare's mom had responded with a "Eli, I know who you are, don't be ridiculous,' so that had to be kind of a good sign, right?

"She's not Edwards anymore," he heard in reply, and the deep male voice surprised him.

_Oh, right, this must be Jake's dad. Sure looks like him…why am I so surprised that Clare chose Jake? Her mom chose his dad, and looks run in the damn family obviously,_ Eli thought as he gave Jake's dad an uncomfortable apology.

"Sorry. I…uh…I'm an old umm…classmate of Clare's, um, got um, confused with the names. I didn't mean any disrespect," Eli said as Glen looked him up and down suspiciously.

"Mind telling me why you're in my house?" Glen asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Sorry Sir. I was just making sure Clare got home safe, she was a little…um, upset at school," Eli replied.

"Where's Jake?" Glen asked with a heavy sigh, and he didn't miss the way Eli looked away from him and let out a labored breath.

"He um…had to go somewhere," Eli replied.

"Oh, right, guitar girl's big audition today," Glen said as realization hit him.

Eli just nodded in response.

"What's your name, kid?" Glen asked.

"I'm Eli".

"Glen. You know my son Jake if you know Clare, right? Go to their school?" Glen asked as he took in Eli's blue Degrassi polo and frowned at the little bits of throw up on it.

"Yes, I go to Degrassi. I…have um, a couple of classes with Jake, yeah," Eli said, deciding full disclosure might not be the best tactic.

"You been drinking, Eli?" Glen then asked.

"What?" Eli replied in confusion.

"You stink," Glen replied as he scrunched up his nose.

"Oh," Eli said as he looked down at his shirt. "No, um, Clare…she, um, she sort of…she sort of threw up on me," Eli said with an embarrassed look on his face.

"Has _she_ been drinking?" Glen asked, thinking he'd be in for another night of yelling if Clare had somehow found herself a new group of friends all too similar to Summer's crowd, having just escaped from that environment quite recently.

"No, Sir, she just got sick," Eli replied with confidence. "That's why I just wanted to make sure she got home safe," Eli replied.

"Well, that's very gentleman like of you, kid," Glen said. "Say, Eli, I got an idea – why don't you take Clare out on a date? Obviously when she's feeling better, God knows that girl could use going out on a date," Glen then said, causing Eli's eyes to widen.

_That _was the last thing that he had expected, and he searched for a way to answer that question before opening the can of worms that his past with Clare – and Jake – was.

"Um, I don't think she'd like that very much, Sir. It's not like that between me and her," Eli said as he uncomfortably touched the wall that was to the side of the stairs where he was standing, talking to Glen who was just a few feet away from the door, taking off his shoes and coat.

"Boy, you think I was born yesterday? No boy wastes his time bringing home a girl he does not have feelings for. You helped her out, don't try to tell me there's nothing there. Just ask her – trust me, a date is exactly what she needs right now. She can finally stop pining after people she can't have," Glen said with a chuckle.

Eli kind of felt like…punching him. He wasn't sure why – but he hated that Glen was talking about Clare as just someone whose problems could be fixed with a date.

"She doesn't wanna go with me," Eli muttered, sounding a little like an upset and stubborn little boy.

"Never gonna know until you ask, kid. Clare needs to get out of this house, to stop focusing on Jake's every little move. And there's no better way to get over one guy than to get with a new one, isn't that what girls say?" Glen said as he slapped Eli's shoulder, but he soon found himself to be the only one laughing.

_This kid's a weird one_, Glen thought.

"No, it's not," Eli said stubbornly. "I…I promised Clare I'd stay with her until her mom gets back," Eli then said uncomfortably.

"Kid, if she's sleeping in her room ain't nothing gonna happen to her. There's no monsters in there," Glen said with a laugh.

"I promised her," Eli replied as he narrowed his eyes at Glen and Glen thought that this kid was definitely a weird one.

"Suit yourself then," Glen said as he raised his hands up in a defensive gesture.

_I can see where Jake gets his damn cockiness from_, Eli thought in fury and…jealousy.

He returned back to the office chair, closing the door behind him quietly and rolling his eyes at Clare's Justin Bieber posters…at least some things about her hadn't changed, and Eli found himself liking that. But he knew that being in this room killed him, especially when he saw a plaid shirt peeking out from under the bed. There was no doubt about whose it was, and Eli felt his eyes stinging as he realized that in their exploration of bases, Clare had slid Jake's shirt away from his body and done God knows what with him. Eli hated that even after all of his therapy, even after being genuinely happy with Imogen – even if for just a few days – that visual absolutely killed him inside. He tried to focus on other things, but it was as if everywhere he looked, he could see and feel _Jake_. It was no wonder to him that Clare couldn't get away from this – he felt a little like being drowned in his hoarder's room. Jake was in the pictures on her nightstand, his lips on hers in a kiss that Eli thought would be disgusting even if it didn't involve the girl that he admitted to himself that he still loved, his arm around Clare in another picture…and him lifting her up…both of them wearing…swimsuits. That one Eli could not get over. He couldn't even focus on the pretty pink bikini that Clare had on – all he could think about was about how their bodies were pressed together, separated by just a few pieces of fabric.

He placed his head in his palms, because this was the only thing that he could think of in order to hide his gaze from seeing more things related to Jake, and he pushed his palms so deep into his face that he began to see tiny little stars and strange blobs of colours forming as he also felt a little bit of pain.

He only stopped when the door softly opened, and what Helen saw was a very tired and confused Eli looking up at her.

"Oh Eli," she said softly, feeling sad for him. Helen had understood the situation at face value once she had heard the loudest argument between Clare and Jake that night after Jake had brought Jenna home – and she had gotten mostly everything out of Clare…including the almost-sex situation. She had never hurt as much as she did that night, with the exception of Darcy's suicide attempt.

So now, as she looked up at Eli and frowned when she took in his shirt, seeing the worry in his eyes – and the slight fear – she couldn't help but feel sad for him. He had helped Clare when no one else was interested, she knew, and as a mother, she was extremely grateful for that. It also really struck Helen that…Eli was Clare's ex-boyfriend. This was…so, _so_ far away from an ex-boyfriend's job description. Especially…seeing How Clare had been the one to break up with Eli, Helen knew. The fact that he would do this…look after her like this…not just throwing an 'are you okay?' her way at school, but actually bringing her right home and tucking her into her bed, and doing everything to keep her safe…it made Helen glad that Eli had not done to Clare what she knew Clare had done to him. He hadn't ignored her and wished her away….with a new person.

"She's okay," Eli said in a whisper, not wanting to wake Clare up.

"What happened to her?" Helen asked in a shaky voice as she moved to Clare's bedside and Eli got up from the office chair and stood beside Clare's mom.

"She…was a little upset at school. She just didn't want to ride with Jake," Eli decided to say.

"And Jake left her?" Helen asked with a frown.

"He…um…had to go somewhere," Eli said, dodging details.

"Let me guess – somewhere with that blonde peppy girl," Helen said with a shake of her head, seeing Eli simply nod out of the corner of his eye.

"Thank you, Eli, for bringing her home," Helen then said.

"Of course," Eli replied.

He then heard Clare's mom sigh deeply and hide her face in her hands for a long time before she whispered, "Eli…what's going on with my daughter? She won't tell me anything anymore…and I don't know. And I _have to_ know, Eli…I _have to_ know, or the same thing is going to happen to Clare that happened to her sister," Helen said painfully.

"_No_," she heard Eli fire back at once. "Clare will _never _get hurt like that_. Never_. I _won't_ _allow it_," Eli said stubbornly and Helen turned to give him a sad, but grateful smile.

"She told you about Darcy?" Helen asked.

"All I know is that some criminal hurt her at a party and the police were too dumb to even find him," Eli said in anger.

"Eli…Darcy tried to kill herself after that," Helen whispered in horror.

"Mrs. Edwards – um, I mean Martin," Eli said –

"It's okay, Eli, Edwards is fine for you, okay? Just for you. You've always known me as Edwards," Helen gently told him, knowing that Eli really didn't need any more reminders of Jake's family name in relation to Clare.

"I…" Eli said, and Helen was surprised to hear his voice take on a raspy tone and she noticed that his eyes were red as he looked at Clare's sleeping form and said, "I think…I think that Clare is really…she's really suffering right now".

"But how do I help her?" Helen asked, a hint of desperation in her voice.

When Clare stirred at the noise and turned over on her side with a little moan, Helen looked at her body a little more closely.

"Eli, come downstairs so I can talk to you and we won't wake her up," Helen said, and she closed the door softly after both of them.

Eli was not feeling exactly keen on this 'we can talk' plan – the short conversation he had had with Glen was more than enough for him for the time being.

As Eli awkwardly followed Helen down the stairs from Clare's room and he watched Helen make a vague gesture at Glen – which caused Glen to flee the scene faster than a rolling tear. He passed by Eli and Eli avoided his gaze, not really sure what he'd have to say to Jake's dad out of all people – especially after the awkward minutes that they had had alone. Eli was really grateful that Helen with just one gesture, removed the tension in the room just like that.

"So um," Eli said, still a little uncomfortable, "I should get home now," and he headed for the door himself.

"Eli, no. Sit down. You and I are going to talk, young man," Helen said assertively, and Eli felt like bursting into tears right then and there.

_I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to be here…in this house. I can't. There's too many memories, and know everywhere I look I see signs of Jake. I don't want to have you ask me how I could hurt your daughter like that…I can't explain it, please, please, no more. I can't do this with you, I can barely do it with my therapist. I don't want to think about what I did anymore. I was a monster. Please, please, _Eli was desperately chanting to himself as he wouldn't meet Helen's gaze.

"Eli…I need your help, to know how to help Clare," he then heard as he saw Helen leaning against the counter as she was pointing to a chair at the small round table.

"What?" Eli asked in confusion.

"Please, Eli," Helen all but pleaded.

"Miss Edwards…she doesn't talk to me. I…don't know….we're not friends anymore," Eli said with a painful shrug.

"I know that, Eli," Helen said, and Eli thought he surely misinterpreted when she almost seemed….sad. "But…Eli…it's you," Helen added, sighing deeply and completely astonishing Eli as he sat down in the chair and Clare's mom took a seat opposite from him.

"What do you mean?" Eli asked in a whisper.

"I mean that…no ex-boyfriend that I have ever heard of in my entire life would do what you just did – look after Clare like this…especially since you two had such a bad break-up," Helen said, and Eli exhaled again, feeling nothing but pain and guilt and shame.

"Eli…don't you try to lie to me – I know. I know that…Clare might not talk to you, but you just calmed her down and brought her home – even if she didn't say a word to you…no one would understand her better than you, Eli. Because…you're you…you're Eli," Helen said, and Eli was surprised to see her have red eyes.

"She's hurting," Eli whispered. "Because all she wants – like we all do – is to be loved. But…she feels…rejected," Eli gently put it.

"By Jake," Helen said with a sigh and Eli sadly smirked at the floor.

"She was upset because Jake had to drive Jenna somewhere, and understandably, she didn't want to ride with them," Eli said.

Helen sighed deeply.

"What did she do?" Helen asked with worry, and Eli decided he couldn't betray Clare's trust and tell Helen about the window.

"She was just a bit sad, it's completely logical," Eli said with a shrug.

"Eli – why is there throw up on your shirt? That's what that smell is, isn't it?" Helen asked with a frown.

"Sorry, I know it stinks – um…Clare was crying a bit, and I swear I tried to get her to calm down, but that didn't happen until after she sort of…hurled," Eli said with an awkward look Helen's way.

"Oh no," Helen gasped, "She hasn't done that since she was a little girl. Gotten so badly upset like that," Helen added.

"She used to? So it's not a new thing?" Eli asked, a little more relieved that at least Clare had a bit of history with this state and it wasn't something totally freakish.

"She hasn't in so long, but yeah, when she was so little, she used to get so upset that she'd work herself up to such a frenzy that that would happen," Helen said with a sad look.

"She was really hurt, Ms Edwards. I…" Eli hesitated.

"You couldn't stand to see her like that," Helen finished for him as Eli awkwardly confirmed with a nod.

"Eli, come on, I'm not sending you home like this – off with your shit, let me throw it in the wash, I can barely stand the smell," Helen said.

"You really don't have to do that, Ms Edwards, I'm just gonna go home –"Eli said, trying to make a break for it.

"No, Eli, not yet. You don't move from that chair, just take your shirt off," Helen said assertively, and she was no Cece – and to a boy who had grown with a mother like Cece, Helen's strict tone was not something that Eli knew how to respond to, being a little blindsided all too often to come up with a method of getting his own way. In this case, Helen had already walked over to him and she was slipping the blue polo over his head before Eli knew what was happening. When she disappeared to the laundry room for a minute, Eli felt completely awkward standing in Clare's kitchen shirtless and he wished that no one else would walk in – no one like Jake, or his dad again.

"Let me get you a shirt of Jake's," he heard Helen say as she surfaced, but she picked up on the tone of discomfort in Eli voice as he replied,

"Um, maybe I should just get home-"

"Actually," Helen said, picking up on the words that Eli was not saying, "I'm going to grab you one of the company shirts of Jake's dad's business okay? They're just black work shirts that the painters wear," Helen said and she was happy that Eli flashed her a small smirk as he thanked her.

_I shouldn't put the boy in one of Jake's shirts, of course he wouldn't like that, how could I not think of that, _Helen reprimanded herself mentally.

She walked up the stairs and returned quickly, and Eli gladly slipped the black shirt over his neck and drew his arms through its sleeves as he sat down at the table.

"Thanks, Ms. Edwards. I feel a bit better," he said as he now felt a clean scent around him as opposed to the one that he wasn't entirely fond of.

"Good," Helen said with a smile. "That shirt Clare was wearing…that's yours? She doesn't have a shirt with a rooster, that's not her shirt she's wearing," Helen said with a raised eyebrow, and Eli's eyes widened.

"I had it in my bag for PE – it's just my gym strip. Her polo is a in a plastic bag by the entrance by my school bag – it got the worst of it, I'm afraid. I…just gave her my shirt and I waited outside as she changed," Eli said with blushing cheeks as he clarified for Helen and decided that even if subjected to Helen's most rigid interrogation, he wouldn't tell her about the way that Clare tried to have sex with him, right there on the drama room couch.

"Eli," Helen said, focusing her gaze on Eli because she wanted to make sure that he listened to her next words – and listened well. "Thank you for taking such good care of my daughter," Helen said, and Eli really did look stunned to hear those words.

"I…it's the least I can do, trust me," Eli replied.

"Eli, you're the only ex-boyfriend I've ever heard of that would do such a thing, look after her so well at this point, especially after the rough break-up you two had," Helen began as she noticed that Eli began to look away from her and becomes visibly mortified.

"I hate seeing her like this," Eli sighed. "Something needs to change with her Ms. Edwards, and it needs to happen quickly. I'm…I'm afraid of what she might do," Eli whispered in horror.

"Me too," Helen admitted. "Me too, Eli".

"I…I'm not trying to equate different situations here, but…my first girlfriend, Julia," Eli said, and Helen wondered why it seemed so difficult for him to be saying this. He was speaking in a low voice and Helen noticed that his hands were slightly shaking.

"She…she had it really rough with her step-mom. She came and lived with me and my family after my dad saw her stepmom push her into a car. My dad said that if her step mom was comfortable doing that to her in public, she was doing worse things in private," Eli said.

"Was she?" Helen asked, sadness in her voice.

"I…I never knew for sure; Julia had trouble talking about it and said that she wanted to forget, and I never pushed. But Ms. Edwards, what I'm telling you is that when she came to live with us, I shaved in my parent's bathroom. My mom locked her steak knives. I checked her bag…when she wasn't looking. And today, I saw Clare just as desperate and suffering as Julia was at her worst," Eli said with red eyes.

"What do I do?" Helen asked in a panic. "I just don't know what to do with her, Eli. She's so secretive to me – do you know that I didn't know until Jake and her for…well, for ever? Do you know that if Child Protective Services were to investigate our family and find out the two minors living under my roof were on the brink of having sexual relationships without their parents even knowing they were dating? Do you think that if Clare were seen by a therapist now I would be allowed to be her legal guardian? Because I don't, Eli," Helen said, and her own eyes were now red and Eli could feel her potent distress.

"Mrs. Edwards, I…when I had a…breakdown, there was only one thing that saved me. I'm not trying to compare myself to Clare, but it was the fact that my parents never gave up on me that saved me. I deceived them over and over again, but their love for me never faltered. They looked after me with patience, and told me that no matter what, they would always do anything for me. The fact that my parents stood by me…it was the most amazing display of love that I have ever seen," Eli said emotionally.

"But you let them do that for you!" Helen pointed out. "Clare doesn't tell me anything anymore – she's so secretive with me," Helen said.

"Ms. Edwards, Clare loves you. She looks up to you – I think you should give her a break. She's been hanging on for so long, trying so hard to get a grip on her circumstances, and…I think tonight she broke. I think you should be with her. Take her on a trip; give her a few days away from school. She's always wanted to go to Niagara Falls. Take her there – just the two of you. Take her shopping, and to that nails thing girls like to do. She needs a break, Ms. Edwards, and she needs to feel happy and loved again. And there's no one better to do that for her than her mom," Eli replied.

"That's a fantastic idea Eli!" Helen said with a bright smile, as Eli's advice was not abstract, but concrete – something that she could actually do – she could provide Clare with a mini-get away, a break from it all. It would be the perfect chance for them to rebond too, and Helen knew it and she was determined to not let this opportunity get away from her.

Helen softly said, "She's always wanted to go to Niagara Falls, of course you know that," she said with a smile Eli's way. "I'd like to take her, I'd like that," Helen said enthusiastically.

"And I'm sure she'd love to too. But – that's not all. Ms. Edwards, you need to tell with Jake. He needs to apologize to Clare, because he did her wrong. And he definitely does not need to bring Jenna around all the time. Driving Clare to school all the time? Does he have to do that? Maybe you could drive her for a while, get her a chance to get used to things. He doesn't need to bring Jenna to this house, too – this house is special for Clare. This is Toronto for crying out loud, there's a thousand places to take a girl out on a date – he doesn't have to run all of his dates under Clare's nose," Eli scoffed.

"Oh Eli, Jake isn't big on taking girls out," Helen sighed.

"What?" Eli asked, confused.

"He's just a different type of boy than you, he just likes…other things," Helen said.

"Yeah, well, he can do those other things with Jenna at her house. Not Clare's. How much more hurtful can he be, really? She does not need this, and she does not deserve it. Of course she's losing her mind, anyone would. You need to talk to him. This stops now," Eli said assertively.

"I will tell his father to tell him, Jake listens to his father," Helen said.

"Whatever it takes," Eli replied.

"Eli…" Helen gently started, "You're a proper young man, you know. I'd like…I'd like to know why you acted the way you did – Clare told me you were manipulating her and suffocating her so she broke it off – but I don't know what really happened," Helen said, and right away she saw Eli shut his eyes tightly as he was obviously overcome with remorse.

"I-I lost it. I crashed my car because Clare told me she hated it – she was on the phone with me as I was driving and…I wasn't thinking straight, and I crashed my hearse. She came to the hospital and broke it off, said I was scaring her and manipulating her," Eli replied, hiding his head in his arms afterwards.

"You crashed your car?" Helen gasped. "Were you all right?" she asked.

"Just a broken leg," she heard Eli's muffled voice say.

"Oh, Eli," she sighed. "What…what on earth made you behave that way?" she asked.

"I wish I could answer that question. Not even my doctor can," he sighed.

"Your doctor?" Helen asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm…I got diagnosed bipolar. But that doesn't excuse the way I behaved," Eli said with determination.

"But it does…explain it," Helen gently said. "Did you tell Clare at the hospital that you were diagnosed?" Helen asked.

"Oh, I didn't get diagnosed for…months. The doctors said…it was unclear. What was wrong with me. My therapist now says the only reason I can have that diagnosis is because its medicine works – but she says something about how my case is an exception, stresses on the mind or something. I don't know, and it doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters to me is that the medicine works," Eli said.

"And Clare….left you at the hospital?" Helen asked again.

"I don't blame her! She hates me," Eli said quietly.

"Oh, Eli. Are you feeling better now?" Helen asked.

"The therapy and the medicine works, helps me manage my emotions and thoughts," Eli said, obviously deathly embarrassed.

"Eli…I don't understand how this is manipulation or how it led to Clare feeling suffocated. Tell me," Helen all but ordered.

"I…I…I wish so much that I knew there was something wrong with me at that time. After Julia died, I knew that –" Eli began, but he was interrupted by Helen's gasp.

"Your first girlfriend died?" she asked.

"I killed her," Eli replied, and he watched Helen's entire face turn white.

"What?" Helen gasped.

"We had a fight, and she took off on her bike in the middle of the night and got hit by a car. I should have chased after her! I should have never let her leave!" Eli said, tears flooding his eyes.

"Eli Goldsworthy – how on Earth do you preface the account of what happened with 'I killed her'! You had me scared to death," Helen reproached him.

"Without me, she wouldn't have died!" Eli said. "So you bet I killed her. Don't you see? It should have been me! Julia would have done so many good things if she had lived! All I do is hurt everyone I love!" Eli said as Helen saw his eyes spill over with tears.

"Oh, Eli," she said lovingly. "It's okay. You didn't kill her. Sounds to me like you saved that girl," she said reassuringly. "The life she had with her step mom sure doesn't sound to me like any type of life," Helen pointed out.

"I…after that, I…when I dated Clare, I started having trouble with a kid at school. An idotic bully who threw my friend Adam through a glass door," Eli said with fury.

"Your friend Adam who is…um…a gi-?" Helen said, obviously a little confused.

"He's transgender," Eli supplied quickly. "When Fitz - the kid I was having trouble with – did that, I knew that…I couldn't let him bully the people I loved, nor me. But I did stupid things, I only antagonized him," Eli said. "And when he realized that…I liked Clare…you see, I think he always had this thing for Clare, and when we started dating, Fitz must have noticed. When he told me that at the dance, he'd have sex with her and be gentle – I lost it – and I mean lost it," Eli said.

"HE SAID WHAT?" Helen exploded.

"Ms. Edwards, I assure you I never would have let that happen. He brought a knife to that dance and almost stabbed me-?" Eli began.

"HE DID WHAT?" Helen asked in shock. "Was my daughter there?" she asked in fear.

"I made sure she was far away from me," Eli said, and his piercing green eyes fixed right on Helen's as he said, "Ms. Edwards, I would never let anything happen to Clare, I assure you. I would do _anything_ to protect her – and I mean anything. Had Fitz ever done as much as even point that knife in her direction, I would have jumped in front of it – I assure you," Eli said, and the intensity and honesty stretched across his face made Helen whisper,

"I believe you, Eli. I know you wouldn't have".

"I was at least glad that at the end of that night he at least got arrested. But just a few months later, he was out! And back! And this time telling Clare he had found Jesus – and I'm sorry, but I think that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," Eli said.

"HE CAME BACK?" Helen shouted.

"I…I don't think anything has ever messed with my head more than his reappearance. Ms. Edwards, I completely lost it – and the day that I came over to show Clare my story and I found him in her house, telling me he had a special spiritual connection with her – I came in here, and the guy who told me he would rape her was in her house! I couldn't focus on anything –" Eli was saying.

"HE DID WHAT? HE WAS IN MY HOUSE? WITH MY DAUGHTER? ALONE? THAT CRIMINAL CAME INTO MY HOUSE WHEN CLARE WAS ALONE?" Helen exploded.

"I made sure he left, but after that, I realized that….any minute, any second, he could manipulate Clare, playing upon her kindness to take everything away from her – to rape her, to beat her, just because he's a pervert and because he knew what it would do to me as an added bonus, I guess. I had nightmares of it every night – of him raping her, or him hurting her. I think I slept for three hours every night, and I realized after finding him in Clare's house like that that I couldn't keep her safe! I felt like everything was slipping away, and I had to watch her! All the time, every second – to make sure she'd be safe. What if he showed up again? What if she was alone? I decided she could never be alone again - I made plans for us every second, and when she wasn't with me, I made sure that she was with Adam, that she was communicating with me via text, I even had my buddy Sav text me when Clare got to and left his house to hang out with his younger sister Alli, I…felt like I had to watch her! When she wasn't with me, she wouldn't be safe! When she caught onto what I was doing, she hated it. She was done with me then – when I got too intense. She was done with me long before I crashed my car. But I couldn't stop…Ms. Edwards, the law couldn't keep him away the first time and I was convinced he wouldn't stop until he got what he wanted," Eli said, shaking the entire time.

"My God, Eli, I sure hope you did watch her! You should have come to me! But…I'm glad you watched her like that," Helen said.

"What?" Eli asked, obviously taken aback.

"Eli. Look at me. That's exactly what you should have done. You should have watched her. HE WAS IN MY HOUSE! WHEN CLARE WAS ALONE! That is completely unacceptable. Clare is lucky she had you watching out for her," Helen said, shaking her head. "Eli, I was always surprised you went out without a fight. I never had you pegged for that type. I thought for sure you'd try to get Clare back," Helen said, shocking Eli again.

"I tried…but I went about it the wrong way," Eli said. "I thought…I stopped taking my meds, I wanted to be the guy she fell in love with. That did not include a dull, doped up guy who couldn't write. Except not only was I acting completely inappropriately and I wrote a crazy play that she hated, but…I didn't realize how much things had changed. Jake had entered the picture," Eli said.

"Eli…did Clare…did she date Jake really soon after you break-up?" Helen asked.

Eli didn't answer.

"She did, didn't she?" Helen asked.

"A few days, yeah," Eli replied.

"That must have been very hurtful," Helen gently said.

"It's fine. I get it. I get it all now. I'm not the one she wants," Eli sighed. "Jake entered the picture and everything changed. Clare told me we're never getting back together, and I…saw it all so clearly then. She just…you can't make someone love you. And she shouldn't have to love me just because I love her," Eli said.

"I know that, Eli. I know you still love her," Helen gently replied.

"I said loved," Eli awkwardly replied.

"Did you?" Helen asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Ms. Edwards…don't tell her. Please don't tell her. She hates it. She hates me. Please don't tell her, please don't tell her that I'll probably always love her. She doesn't feel the same way," Eli sighed.

"She said that though Eli, she said that you're never getting back together?" Helen asked.

"She's never been more honest with me -ever- than in the moment in which she said those words," Eli replied.

"That's too bad," Helen sighed.

"What?" Eli asked, looking shell shocked. "Surely you don't approve of me – before and especially after the…bipolar," Eli said in a low whisper.

"Oh, Eli. Let me tell you what I think," Helen said, staring right into his eyes. "When my daughter was with you, she was getting top marks, talking through some very complicated family problems with me as a result of the writing that you encouraged her to do, and she reached the highest possible honor in regards to her writing. And in light of what's happened with her after she stopped being you, I don't think her achievements while being your girlfriend were a coincidence, Eli. I just don't. I spent most of my life being married to a lawyer – I know there's no such thing as a coincidence. That's what I think of when I think of you as my daughter's boyfriend, Eli. You were by far, the best boyfriend Clare has ever had. I'm her mother, Eli – her welfare is most important to me, so those things are the ones I recall of those times.

Now, when my daughter proceeded to date her step-brother, behind my back – over and over again – she was lying to me, looking me straight into the eyes and lying, Eli! She was doing inappropriate things in her room at night over and over again with that boy, doing them at school too I'm sure, and God knows wherever else. She did absolutely no writing, got zero honors, and did only the bare minimum in school – sometimes not even that. I imagine with Jake right next door it was hard to get anything done in terms of homework at night! She lashed out at anyone and everyone when Jake would mistreat her – which he did over and over again. She lost her best friend and gave it no second thought whatsoever, because she had her precious boyfriend! Today, she was brought to me after crying herself into hysterics to the point where she made herself throw up after placing so much stress on her body. I can imagine she's feeling like the lowest thing in the world right about now. Her relationship with Jake took everything that your relationship with her developed – kindness, intelligence, honesty, and real support – and destroyed, it, Eli – tore it to shreds. It was a toxic relationship and it destroyed my daughter! So yes, Eli, you may look back and blame yourself but you helped Clare today, and in a way you helped her in a way that she was never able to help you. You loved her. All her relationship with Jake did was break her, Eli. Over and over again until she is reduced to someone who I fear to leave alone with herself!

She's never been the same after she stopped being with you, Eli. She's gone downhill, and rapidly so. Her relationship with Jake dragged her down, Eli. He filled her head with nonsense and offered her nothing but empty promises. I wasn't born yesterday, Eli. Girls do things like this all the time. I know why Clare likes-" Helen was saying, before she heard Eli gently say,

"Loves," he breathed. "She loves him," Eli said.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Helen scoffed, surprising Eli all over again. "If Clare's proven anything, it's that she has no idea what love is".

"She _liked_ Jake because he said all the right things despite doing all of the wrong ones. Because he's a good looking boy. Jake might be beautiful on the outside, but there's nothing beautiful about the things he did to her. And you know what the worst part is? He's got _such a hold on her!_ He's got this unhealthy grip on her – I hate seeing my daughter this way. All he does is hurt her and she just keeps on running right back to him! He's killed my happy, independent daughter. All he does is call and Clare runs to him! Never have I seen anything like the grip he has on her. He dragged her down and tossed her to the side when he moved on the next little tart he chose for himself. So don't throw the word 'love' around, Eli, because Jake doesn't even care about Clare all that much," Helen replied, shocking Eli.

"Jake is my stepson, and I love him in that capacity. But he is most definitely not boyfriend material, Eli. And especially not for my daughter. There's nothing more dangerous than a boy with that charm and that kind of grip on a girl – nothing, Eli, and it's certainly not you. Did you know your English teacher called me to tell me that Clare is missing most of her assignments? And her math teacher sent me a letter saying she's failing, Eli! Failing!" Helen said incredulously.

"She can come back from this," Eli replied with perfect confidence. "I didn't know. She's not my English partner anymore. She's Adam's. Mrs. Dawes put me with Katie, the girl who runs the newspaper, said a journalist is exactly the kind of partner who can get my wordiness down," Eli informed Clare's mom.

"Well, I imagine Clare was too busy doing God knows what with Jake and then when she left my house, she loved her uncontrolled freedom so much that she missed school," Helen said as she shook her head.

"I'd offer to help, but Clare would hate that," Eli said.

"Why? Helen asked.

"She hates me," Eli replied.

"No she doesn't Eli," Helen responded.

"Yes she does! It's so obvious that…I annoy her, Mrs. Edwards," Eli said with a deep exhale.

"What?" Helen asked.

"I can't…I'll never be the guy she fell in love with – not that she actually had those types of feelings anyway. Or if it would matter if I could let go of the mind and the heart that I have. It's…in her eyes. She doesn't want me anywhere near her; she's annoyed by my presence. I get it; she thinks I'm pathetic,' Eli sighed.

"Eli. Clare's not always the best judge of character in people. You'd help her catch up – if she asked?" Helen said.

"She's not going to! Sorry, but…I need to stay grounded in reality. I'll never be that guy, Ms. Edwards," Eli whispered.

"What guy?" Helen asked in confusion.

"I'm not an idiot. Clare's boyfriend before me is this guy all the cheerleaders fawn over. Jake is a strapping, popular guy all the girls wink at in the hall. I'm not that type, and I'll never be. It's just not my style. I like to keep to myself and just do the things I like," Eli said with a shrug.

"Well, look at where that type of guy has gotten her, Eli!" Helen exclaimed. "If I'm not mistaken, that first boyfriend of hers is a teen father these days. And heaven forbid – but I wouldn't put such a mistake past Jake either," Helen said.

"Eli, Jake has ruined my daughter's self-esteem. He does not care about her not even close to the way that you cared, and care, for her. Her relationship with Jake was nothing but something physical, and I did _not_ raise my daughter to be that type of a girl. Absolutely not. My daughter is not of that type".

Eli then slowly said, "He needs to stay away. And he needs to be nice to her. Parading Jenna in front of her is cruel. It's low," Eli angrily said.

"Eli…do you have a girl friend now?" Helen then gently asked.

"I did date someone after Clare. My friend Imogen, she was so nice to me when I was sad about Clare. I really mistreated her at first, and I didn't think she'd want another shot at being with me. But when she did, I thought it was the least I could do, and I thought that I could make her happy and make myself happy as well," Eli said.

"And what happened?" Helen asked.

"We realized we weren't really right for each other and called it quits. I also discovered that she had feelings for someone else," Eli said.

"I'm sorry," Helen replied.

"Don't be," Eli said with a small smirk.

"Look at you, Eli," Helen said with a smile, "You look older, you know. So mature – staying friends with that girl, too. Your hair looks good this way, you know – and your upper body is a little broader. You're starting to look like such a young man," Helen said with a polite smile. "No more eyeliner?" Helen asked with a small laugh.

"I don't know," Eli said with a shrug.

"What are your plans for next year, Eli? Are you going to college? You're such a smart young man," Helen praised him. "Have you applied? Jake keeps putting it off, says there's still a couple of months before the deadline," she added.

"Yeah, I applied, I got into U of T," Eli said with a small smirk.

"Already?" Helen asked in shock.

"Yeah. I got early acceptance," Eli modestly shared with her.

"Wow, that's fantastic, Eli. Congratulations," Helen said. "Do you know what you're going to be studying?" she asked.

"I got into the English Lit Honors program and I'm going to do a Creative Writing major as well – just got to figure out how to make those fit in 4 years, I think I have to take summer classes every summer. I have to make an appointment with an advisor, the U of T system is so confusing and I don't get it," Eli said with a puzzled look.

"You got into an honors program in first year?" Helen asked in surprise. "I didn't even know such a thing was possible".

"It's conditional – I got an email after I sent in my marks encouraging me to apply. If I get good grades in first year, I stay. If I don't, I get downgraded to just an English Lit major," Eli explained.

"Oh, that won't happen," Helen said with a smile. "Wow, Eli, you parents must be so proud," she added as she looked down at him fondly.

"My poor parents don't deserve the hell I put them through. They are the happiest people I know. They don't deserve a kid like me," Eli sighed.

"What nonsense you can speak sometimes, Eli, it's unbelievable," Helen scolded him. "Eli. Look at me," she ordered and Eli obeyed. "Your parents – they must be so proud of you. I know I am," Helen said, and Eli look at her with wide-eyes.

Helen then continued, "You're the type of boy I always wished for…Clare. Someone she could work with, she could study with – someone to help her and raise her up, as you obviously did when you tow did that story together. Your life is really coming together, Eli. What an exciting time this must be for you," Helen said with another smile.

"I…I'm just trying to get better," Eli said shyly.

"Oh, Eli. You will. You are already doing so much better. Let me get you some dinner, it's so late," Helen then said as she got up.

"No, ma'am, you really don't have to do that, I should get going- "Eli said.

"Eli, sit down," Helen said, pulling him back into his chair. "I have some lasagna and Greek salad. Do you like that?" she asked.

"That sounds delicious," Eli praised, "But I' not going to sit here and make you cook for me-" he began.

"Eli," Helen said, gently laying her hand over his arm. "I'm a mom – let me take care of you. Eli," Helen gently said, "Let someone take care of you – it's not a crime, Eli," Helen said meaningfully, rememebering the conversation she had just had with Eli.

"Only if you let me make Clare some grapefruit juice – my meds make me nauseous, so I know how she'll feel when she'll wake up. It'll help her, it always makes me feel a bit better," Eli said.

"Sure," Helen said with a kind smile, and within minutes, the two of them were cooking and making juice together.

When Helen had some of the juice that Eli had made and watched him eat, she realized that he was completely famished and she just looked at him a little heartbroken as he ate.

"Thank you, Ms. Edwards. That was delicious. So nice of you," Eli praised Helen as she noticed that he grabbed all the dishes and did them, leaving the kitchen spotless.

She then watched Eli go to his bag and pull out a pen and paper, explaining that he wanted to leave a note for when she woke up.

When Helen heard the door open and she could see Jake's truck outside, she saw Eli head for the back door of the kitchen at once.

"Thank you so much, Ms. Edwards. But I think it's best I go now. I…I have also been meaning to return this to Clare for a while now," Eli said, handing Helen a large golden object.

"She gave you her father's watch?" Helen asked, a little confused.

"I know it means a lot to her and it seems inappropriate for me to have it now," Eli said with a sad smirk. "I couldn't even give her back her dad's watch for all this time," Eli said as Helen watched his eyes get red all over again. "Isn't that ridiculous? Isn't that the most ridiculous piece of crap that you're ever heard?" Eli said shakily before Jake entered the kitchen at the same time that Eli left it.

"Eli brought Clare home, I knew he would," Jake awkwardly said to Helen. "Um, what's for dinner?" he asked, wanting to change the subject and thinking of the first thing that came into his mind.

"You can make your own dinner, Jake," Helen curtly replied. "Heat up the left over lasagne or order a pizza – but I expect you to think about your apology to Clare over dinner and be ready to deliver it when she wakes up," Helen said.

"Go talk to your dad about it," Helen then added and Jake just nodded, obviously embarrassed.

A few hours later, Helen was gently holding Clare's head in her lap as she felt soft tears hitting her jeans.

"I don't love him anymore," Clare whimpered. "I'm glad he apologized, but…I'm so happy we're going to Niagara Falls, mom. I want a break," Clare said with a soft whine.

"And we'll have a wonderful time together. Eli had a good idea," Helen slyly added.

"Yeah," Clare said, and when she offered no more than that, Helen was a little disappointed.

"Clare…why does Jake have such a hold on you?' Helen then asked.

"He said he loved me," Clare whined.

"And Eli never told you that?" Helen asked.

"He did too, but…" Clare faltered.

"…But you liked it more when you heard it from Jake. You wanted it from Jake, not from Eli," Helen said.

"I just…how could Jake do this to me, mom? We were supposed to be together for ever!" Clare protested.

"Oh, Clare, don't be stupid," Helen replied with a tiny scoff.

"What?" Clare asked.

"Let me ask you something, Clare. How many dates did Jake take you on?" Helen asked.

"We did a lot of things together, mom. Spent a lot of time with each other," Clare said in a defensive tone.

"That I am sure you did, but that is not what I asked. I'm not talking about the way you lost your mind with him in your rooms, and in locked classrooms at school. We're talking love, Clare, not building up to almost sex. You lucked out with Jake, too, Clare, at least he had enough sense to break up with you before having sex – another boy would have used you and tossed you aside the minute it was over," Helen said.

"Stop it!" Clare slightly screamed.

"Sweetheart, I know I'm telling you things you don't want to hear. But how many? You have not answered my question," Helen pointed out.

"Um…I…I think…" Clare faltered.

"Oh, Clare, you can't even think of one?" Helen sighed.

"We went to Little Miss Steaks!" Clare burst out. "As our first official date," she added.

"So…Jake asked you?" Helen pursued.

"I asked him," Clare said.

"And he paid for dinner?" Helen asked.

"Um, someone gave me a gift certificate," Clare said.

"That doesn't count then, Clare. I'm talking about a time when Jake asked you to dinner or something else he knew you'd like, and paid for it," Helen said.

"Stop kidding yourself, Clare," Helen then sighed. "Jake wouldn't even take you to a movie," she added.

"We did go once!" Clare shot back.

"To a movie you wanted to see or one he wanted?" Helen asked.

"He doesn't like the same kind that I do," Clare pointed out.

"So what? Even friends have to suffer through a movie for the ones you care about. Jake liked you because you were convenient, Clare, and because you did whatever he asked! But a boy who loves a girl – truly loves a girl – can't wait to show her off. He can't wait to take her out to dinner, to movies, to….author readings that she likes….he can't wait to just…make her happy…take her everywhere. Not hide her out in her room to make out with her, not encouraging her to lie to her parents. Jake liked your body, Clare, but your mind he could care less about," Helen pointed out. "Just as a point of comparison. How many dates did Eli take you out on Clare….in the shorter amount of time that you dated him for – less than Jake? How many?" Helen asked.

"I…I can't remember," Clare stubbornly said.

"Because there's too many to count, isn't there?" Helen intelligently asked.

"I…he liked going out and doing things together," Clare remarked with a thoughtful look.

"And he asked you on the date, and paid for it didn't he?" Helen softly pursued.

"He has crazy archaic gender constructs! Thinks he needs to protect me!" Clare exploded.

"And he's right, Clare. But what you fail to realize is that a girl has to protect the one she loves too – it's not a one way street," Helen pointed out. "It's called…love, sweetheart. When you love someone, you want to protect them. You give them everything you're got, and you don't think twice. You're ready to shoot the moon and believe a lie…when you love someone," Helen explained.

She then ran her fingers through Clare's pretty curls as she added, "God gave you Eli, Clare. He gave you Eli so he could protect you – but so that you could protect him, too. Eli…wanted to change for you, Clare. To become a better young man for you. You could have gone down there to him, Clare….when he was feeling low. I know he was messed up for a long time, but…at that cabin, when I told you you should have broken up with Jake – it wasn't too late, Clare. You should have talked to Eli – really talked to him, and you'd see the balanced young man that he's grown up to be," Helen gently advised.

"Mom, if I were to go down there –" Clare began.

"Oh, Clare. Don't you see? Sweetheart, you're already down there! And Eli was the one to pull you back up. No one else but him," Helen gently told Clare, laying the note that Eli had written in front of her.

It wasn't a long message, but it said so much.

_Dear Clare,_

_ I really hope you go on the trip with your mom. She loves you very much, Clare, and she'd do anything for you. So let her. Talk to her, and you'll see how much she loves you. Clare…I know you're stronger than all of this, you know. The girl I know is intelligent, kind, caring, and amazing in every way possible. I stand in awe of the love that you offer every day to those you care about. I hope you don't forget your strength – the girl I know doesn't need some guy and his empty promises. Don't let him take up another second of your time or mental energy. I'm not saying this for reasons that you might assume. I understand…how you feel about me, and I'll leave you alone, okay? I promise, Clare. You have my word. Just please don't forget that the girl that I knew was fearless. _

_And just one more thing. Please give your faith a fighting chance. _

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh, baby boy," Cece sighed in worry as she saw a sight that haunted her to the very core.

He hadn't done this in ages; the sleeping at 8 o'clock, but here he was, cowering in the end of his bed, his entire body shaking with sobs as he tried to hide from the world under his covers.

"Oh, my poor sweet boy," Cece said as she got in next to Eli and hugged him tightly. His entire face was red and his body was so hot in her embrace, and she could hear him whimpering softly as he tried to control his sobs.

"Baby boy, did you take-" she gently asked.

"Of course I took them. I'm not even allowed to be sad! Mom, go, you don't have to stay with me," Eli said in tears.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be," Cece said as Eli felt her embrace him even more tightly.

"I wish you and dad had had another kid," Eli said as he tightly squeezed his mom's hand and shut his eyes tightly.

"You would have made such a good big brother, Eli, and then you wouldn't have to suffer with all this loneliness," Cece said sadly.

"Not because of that, mom," Eli replied. "Because then you and dad could have had the kid you deserve. A good kid, someone you can be happy with. Not me. All I'll ever be is this ugly, broken thing," Eli said, hitting a particularly bad low.

"Eli, you look at me, now. Look at me," Cece said, and Eli obeyed. "I would not trade you for the world. You, are the most perfect baby boy out there. You always have been. You're kind, and smart, and compassionate. When you love, you love so well, and you protect everyone you care about. You never turn your back on those who need someone – and do you know what that is, Eli?" Cece gently said.

"What?" Eli asked as he sobbed again.

"That's the measure of a man, Eli. The measure of a man. You're perfect, Eli – just the way you are," Cece said as she kissed his forehead lovingly.

Within a few seconds, Eli had succumbed to a series of heartbroken 'Why doesn't she love me?' 'Why did she choose him' and 'Why doesn't she want me?' that were whispered in so much pain and with so much heartbreak that Cece knew that they were not in reference to Imogen. She knew exactly who he was talking about, and she wished nothing more than to be able to take Eli's pain away.

It broke her heart that she couldn't.


	4. For When I Think I've Lost My Way

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.

Please leave me a review, I could use the encouragement around now.

XXXXXXXX

"Mom?" Clare asked softly, her hair messy and sleep still in her eyes. She fidgeted as she moved Eli's shirt a little around her body, moving towards the soft light of the kitchen.

Jake quickly crossed her path on his way to his room upstairs and laughed a little awkwardly as he said, "Jeez. You look like a beast!" causing Clare to give him a death glare as he raced up the steps.

"Oh, Clare," Helen said, turning around quickly and revealing an image that took Clare aback.

She had seen her mom stand above the sink, her shoulders shaking. When she turned around, her eyes were red and puffy, making it obvious what she had been doing.

This simple sight shook Clare to her very core. She had not seen Helen cry since Darcy's rape. All throughout her divorce, Helen had shed many tears – but never in Clare's presence. She had made sure that she stood strong and determined in Clare's presence, as calm and collected as possible – trying to keep everything together for her daughter, because Helen had seen just how much of a toll the divorce was taking on Clare.

But now…she thought Clare had been asleep, and the sight made Clare's heart ache at once.

"Mom?" she asked tearfully as Helen gave her a hug at once.

"Sweetheart, are you okay? Here, drink some of this juice – it's grapefruit, it'll make you feel better I think," Helen said as she guided Clare to the dining room table and gently fixed her hair.

"It's yummy," Clare said with a soft smile.

"Eli made it, said it helps him when he feels nauseous," Helen gently said.

"He stayed?' Clare asked. "Until you came?"

"Of course, sweetheart, he did. Left you this note," Helen said, watching as Clare read the note with a soft gaze in her eyes.

_Dear Clare,_

_I really hope you go on the trip with your mom. She loves you very much, Clare, and she'd do anything for you. So let her. Talk to her, and you'll see how much she loves you. Clare…I know you're stronger than all of this, you know. The girl I know is intelligent, kind, caring, and amazing in every way possible. I stand in awe of the love that you offer every day to those you care about. I hope you don't forget your strength – the girl I know doesn't need some guy and his empty promises. Don't let him take up another second of your time or mental energy. I'm not saying this for reasons that you might assume. I understand…how you feel about me, and I'll leave you alone, okay? I promise, Clare. You have my word. Just please don't forget that the girl that I knew was fearless. _

_And just one more thing. Please give your faith a fighting chance. _

"What trip?" Clare then asked in confusion.

"Oh, Eli had a great idea – why don't you and I – just you and I – head to Niagara Falls for the weekend and a few more days or so? Just a little get away, just us girls, okay? I'd like to take you shopping, and they have all these pretty boutiques out there that are so unique. We can get a hotel room, see the falls, get mani/pedis, do our hair – what do you think?' Helen asked, seeing Clare's face light up at once.

"I really want to," Clare said emotionally.

"Then it's settled. Just two days of school, and then we'll talk about how you'll turn things around in terms of your grades too, sweetheart," Helen said with a smile. "Let's pack our bags!" she then said enthusiastically. "Do you want to change out of that shirt?" Helen asked, knowing that it was Eli's and not Clare's.

"No, I'm okay," Clare said with a faint smile.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh, yours are so pretty – such a soft pink, love the little diamond she put on that finger," Helen said as she praised Clare's new manicure as they were sitting on Clare's big hotel bed.

"Mom?" Clare then shakily asked.

"Yes, sweetheart?" Helen responded.

"Thank you for taking me here, to Niagara Falls. I've always wanted to go," Clare said softly.

"Oh, sweetheart, of course. Clare, I would have taken you sooner, but I didn't even know you wanted to come here – Eli told me that it's been a dream of yours for some time," Helen gently started, wanting to steer the conversation in a particular direction.

She knew that she had a limited window of time to work with – this time gave them something they had not had a long time: privacy. Here Helen knew she could talk to Clare and help her daughter sort her head out, talk some things out with her. To Helen, it was rather clear that Clare was a very confused girl, and that she did not have the perspective to see things clearly. Helen knew she could help with that, and that while often had resisted about doing this at home, something told her that she might be more receptive on this trip.

"He…" Clare started, with hesitation, "he…said he'd take me here for my birthday – or for our sixth month anniversary. But we didn't make it to either," Clare said with a blank look on her face.

"You know what the funny thing is though, mom?" Clare continued before Helen could reply to her earlier question. "That…even if we were broken up, that I know that had I asked him…I know he'd still take me. Even if he doesn't have a car, I know he'd find a way ,even if I think it hurts him to be around me now, he'd still do it. It's so easy for me to imagine…him doing whatever I ask," Clare said shakily.

"I imagine that's because he always did so," Helen replied.

"Not always. He was stubborn and he was…crazy, mom. He still is," Clare said as she fixed her jacket resolutely.

"Yeah. I imagine it's easy to think like that," Helen said, surprising her mom.

"But he is. It's not an opinion – it's a medical certainty," Clare replied.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," Helen said.

"What do you mean? He's bipolar, and he always will be!" Clare protested.

"That doesn't mean he will always behave the way he did before a) he knew he was bipolar and b) he said something about not wanting to take his medication because he wanted to be the same guy he was that you fell in love with," Helen said with a raised eyebrow.

"He acted completely crazy and almost ruined my relationship with Jake," Clare said with a glare.

"I wish he had," Helen said potently.

"How can you say that, mom?" Clare asked in anger.

"Clare, that so-called relationship you had with Jake was TOXIC. It took everything you had matured so well and destroyed it, to the point where you missed school and now you are in danger of failing two classes. Now, I know this is not what you want to hear me say, but I'm afraid someone needs to say it," Helen warned.

"I'll catch up," Clare said with a scoff.

"That's what you have been saying for the past two weeks, but your English teacher tells me you are still missing major assignments and your math teacher has told me that once you fall behind, it' s almost impossible to catch up," Helen said in worry.

"I will!" Clare replied stubbornly.

"Clare – you are in grade eleven. You have had excellent marks up to this point, but you know as well as I do that universities look only at your grade eleven and twelve marks. Going to U of T has always been a dream of yours – but you are not going to be accepted with these grades. I'm even worried about you getting into a community college. You need to pass grade eleven math, Clare, or else you'll have to go to summer school," Helen said.

"I will! I'll pass," Clare said with an angry exhale.

"Should I hire you a tutor when we get back? I will do anything it takes, Clare. I can find you a tutor, I bet," Helen said encouragingly.

"I don't want to meet with some stranger, it's so awkward," Clare said with a slight whine.

"Well, your best friend at math was Alli – but now that your relationship with Jake also ruined that, I imagine that it is no longer an option," Helen said.

Clare simply kept quiet.

Helen then delicately said, "You know, Clare, Eli got into U of T. Into an honors program. He's going to do honors English Lit and a Creative Writing major," she added.

"Yeah, well, good for him!" Clare said in anger.

"Oh, Clare," Helen sighed. "Don't you see? This thing you had with Jake dragged you down. You're so far from your path, sweetheart, and if you don't open your eyes you'll never get back to it. It'll be too late – and then you'll be crying so hard, Clare. Because you can't turn back time. I'm worried about you – in a lot of ways, but your grades are critical. The semester is almost over, Clare. I talked to Mrs. Dawes and Coach Armstrong, and they said that if you do well on the last remaining assignments and the final exams, they will excuse your earlier grades - I told them we have had some family problems. All you have to do is do well from now on – I hope you know how lucky you are they agreed to this," Helen said.

"They did? They said that?" Clare asked.

"Yes," Helen said with a nod.

It was a long time before Clare spoke again.

When she did, she only said one word.

"Eli," she breathed.

"He'll help me. I know he will," she said, a little embarrassed.

"I…thought so," Helen said. "When I mentioned it to him, though, he said you hate him and despise his presence, find him annoying and pathetic. Now…what would make him say such things, Clare?" Helen asked.

"I might…I might have been a little rash with him a few times," Clare embarrassed with flaming cheeks.

"Oh, Clare," Helen sighed. "Try to be gentle with him. He's been through a lot. You never told me that his first girlfriend died – a girl that it sounds like he took care of," Helen said.

"She lived with him," Clare said, slightly fuming with anger.

"Clare…there's a really big difference between Eli and almost everyone else I know, I think," Helen said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, I don't know anyone else who is bipolar either," Clare replied as she scanned her freshly manicured nails.

"Oh, Clare," Helen sighed, sounding perfectly disappointed, "That's not what I meant," she added.

"What did you mean then?" Clare asked.

"Clare…you also didn't me about that boy Fitz…the things he did…the things he said…the things he threatened to do. How he came to our house when you were alone. It's no wonder Eli lost his mind – do you know what that boy told him he would do?" Helen said, sounding perfectly outraged.

"Oh, please – everything Fitz did to Eli, he deserved. He just couldn't stop!" Clare said as she shook her head.

"He deserved to almost get stabbed? He deserved to hear about how the girl he loves would be raped?" Helen asked, raising her voice to a yell.

"Fitz didn't stab him, and he never would have done that to me either," Clare protested.

"Unbelievable, Clare!" Helen exclaimed. "That boy came into my house when you were alone, he brought a knife to school and almost stabbed Eli, and you see Eli as the bad guy in all of this? Clare…that boy was a criminal. A criminal! I thank my lucky stars you had Eli to watch you all the time!" Helen exploded.

"He was CRAZY! Suffocating me – I never got a minute to myself when he wasn't all like 'Where are you now? Who are you with? I'll come over. I'll meet you there'. It was completely ridiculous. And then when I asked for a break, he up and went his hearse, mom! How can you possibly be defending him?" Clare asked, outraged.

"I'm not defending anyone – I'm just trying to get you to see things clearly. That boy was dangerous. Eli should have obviously come to me, not tried to deal with everything himself. Teenagers can't deal with these kinds of problems on their own, and especially teenagers who took pride in protecting the one they loved only to have her die," Helen said potently.

"You don't know how he was," Clare replied.

"I assume scared out of his mind. It doesn't surprise me he lost his mind, Clare. It does not. I almost lost mine when I heard about this Fitz character and the danger he put you in. Clare, that boy could have raped you in your own house, and you know it. Don't you lie to me," Helen said.

"Yeah, well...he didn't. Eli came," Clare said.

"And thank God he did!" Helen replied. "The difference between almost everyone else and Eli isn't that he's bipolar, Clare," Helen sighed, taking up her earlier point. "It's that –"

"That what?" Clare asked, sounding a little impatient.

"Clare…it's that you and I, and mostly everyone else, are people who are used to being looked after. While Eli – he's used to looking after things. That's a pretty big difference, and it explains a lot about him. I just wish that you could have seen it earlier," Helen sighed.

"He's…used to looking after things?" Clare repeated thoughtfully. "Well, yes…he is," she said as she looked out the window.

"And the fact that he got sick…Clare, don't you see? He got sick from all the worry," Helen said.

"I don't think that's how bipolar works. He was just born this way, and that's how he'll always be," Clare said with a frown.

When her mom shook her head, Clare looked at her surprised.

"Clare…that's not what his doctor says," Helen sighed.

"You talked to his doctor? And she told you stuff? Is that even allowed?" Clare asked in confusion.

"I did no such thing, Clare. I just put two and two together – give me a little credit, I was married to a lawyer for most of my life. When Eli and I talked a little, he just mentioned something in passing about his poor parents and how they found him the best doctor after the problems he had in getting diagnosed the first time around. He said his doctor is involved in research at U of T when he told me about the nausea and such, how he knew what to give you after you threw up – his doctor got his medicine coated in her work with the researchers. He also mentioned something about how he got diagnosed backwards – that the reason diagnosed him bipolar is because that medicine works. So I did a little research and it became obvious who she was – there's only one specialist in children's psychiatry at U of T who has her own clinic and does a little research for the university – and she wrote an article recently on…inverse process diagnoses – and I think the case she describes is Eli's. So I bought the article online. Would you like to read it…I did," Helen said.

"I guess," Clare replied, and her mom went to her bag and pulled out the print out.

"Ugh, I'm not even going to understand it," Clare said as she glanced at all the charts and the article's complicated title.

"Just give it a go, it's pretty clear, or so I thought," Helen encouraged her.

Clare did as her mom asked her, and found that Helen was right – particular passages stood out to her right away.

_The Inverse Diagnosis Process in Adolescent Cases – Duration, Treatment Issues, and Particularities of the Difficulty of the Consequences that a Long Diagnosis Process Produces _

_By Dr. Anne Gilbert, ., ., M.D., PhD: Pch_

_Case Study: Seventeen year old male, diagnosed as bipolar at seventeen_

_The inverse diagnosis process is one of the most controversial processes to emerge in the field of adolescent psychiatry, and undoubtedly it is a very dangerous option – the only benefit it presents is that it is a last-resort to complex cases that simply do not present defining characteristics. _

_The differential diagnosis process is not only inherently difficult itself, and lengthy, and potentially dangerous – to the point of lethality – but also extremely unpopular with patients; particularly adolescents, who are quick to view themselves as 'lab rats' at the hands of doctors. Nevertheless, the inverse diagnosis process should only be used when differential diagnosis has been exhausted. _

_Inverse diagnosis is, in its most reduced form, a guessing game. Patients will experience a combination of side effects that is painful, long, difficult, and most often confusing. In the analysis of the inverse diagnosis process, I will lay out a case study of the only time that I engaged in the process. _

_This was in the case of a seventeen year old male who came to be after being misdiagnosed as prone to anxiety issues. It is nothing new to say that anxiety is the common cold of differential diagnosis – there's nothing a medical doctor hates more than the word 'pain' as the only thing they have to go by – and for the psychiatrist, there is nothing worse than 'anxiety'. It helps in a diagnosis as much as a horse-drawn carriage would help someone looking for fly overseas. _

_In this case, not only was the anti-anxiety diagnosis inefficient, it was also damaging. The patient was unable to feel any concrete emotions while on the medication, and when faced with pressures of a creative mind, he chose to stop taking the medication, which led to a manic episode in front of his peers that embarrassed him and had him convinced he would never get better. _

_It is at this time that the patient presented to me, and I was able to identify the particular stresses placed on his mind. To this day, I wonder how these stresses didn't attract the attention of his first doctors. _

_They were, at the very least, of the utmost intensity. A one year period included the death of a loved one – a death that he was convinced was his fault. Furthermore, there was also the transfer to a new school, and being met with bullies who targeted the patient's girlfriend. Allegations of physical brutality and rape were made against his girlfriend in an attempt to antagonize him, which was achieved. In this situation, legal authorities should have been consulted – such threats are legally to be perceived as premeditation. Nevertheless, as it is often the case with adolescents, he attempted to deal with the entire situation on his own. Following a period where he felt like the only way to keep his girlfriend safe was to watch her all the time, she broke-up with him via the phone while he was behind the wheel of his personal vehicle. In a desperate attempt to restore a sense of balance in his life, the patient in question intentionally crashed his vehicle. Now under medical attention, he was given anti-anxiety medicine. _

_This medicine was not appropriate, and led to a downwards spiral when not taken. A public manic moment made the adolescent admit to his parents that he had not been taking his medicine and he then presented to my office. _

_I followed standard procedure – yet nothing fit. There were simply too many stresses placed upon a fragile teenage mind. The teenage mind is not equipped to process not even one of the catastrophes that this young man underwent – the fact that for a year, he dealt with all of them and with little parental support, is remarkable. To this day, I wonder how his mind held out for as long as it did. _

_Nevertheless, when it came crashing, it brutally did so, taking away all powers of logic and self-control. Do I believe he fits the bipolar diagnosis? Not completely. Some days, not at all. The reality is, however, is that Xaget, the most often course of medicine for bipolar patients, works for him. Part of me is fearful of prescribing him medicine if we do not fully understand why it works when so many of his symptoms are different than bipolar and are more indicative of a psychotic break. _

_Yet, the fact of the matter is that after so much stress is placed on the adolescent mind, it takes time to heal it, to nurse it back to health. fMRI evidence shows that we still do not understand many, many things about the adolescent brain and the effects that medicine often has on it. Therefore, research in this area is absolutely crucial. _

_In a case such as this one, patient guidance and careful observation of the process of healing from a mental breakdown caused by stress are essential. My worries are not quieted by the fact that the patient wants nothing more than to get better – the circumstances of his life are not always in his control. But as he has told me – he is of the writer type, looks up to Ernest Hemingway – everyone has a story. Everyone has pain. And in lessening the pain of lengthy diagnosis in adolescent mental breakdowns as result of so many stressors, it is my recommendation that fMRI research continues to be funded in this extremely important area._

The article then proceeded to evaluate many different types of medicine, the charts, diagrams, and all the talk of dopamine receptors and neurotransmitters overwhelming Clare.

"Too many stresses placed on the mind," Clare whispered thoughtfully, thinking back to her own moment of stress and the way that she had just snapped at Jake, unable to control her mind and not even her body.

"Clare, I'm really glad I found that article. What that doctor was saying seemed really logical to me – especially about the part that the adolescent mind is not equipped to deal with such problems as the ones that Eli was faced with – all in one year," Helen gently said.

She continued, "What I took away from that article is that the doctor wanted to write about it because it was extraordinary circumstances, especially when it came to the diagnosis process obviously – and why it took so long. And from what I heard Eli say, Clare, I believe it. It's a miracle he held out as long as he did, like that doctor says," Helen said.

"I know things were hard for him," Clare said softly.

"Clare…he's just led a very intense life," Helen sighed.

"But I just…I wanted to break up with him!" Clare replied.

"Clare, I'm not here to lecture you into getting back together with Eli. He made it quite clear to me that he knew that was never happening," Helen said.

"What?" Clare asked, burrowing her eyebrows.

"Something about how you made it clear," Helen said with a raised eyebrow.

"I told him that we are never getting back together again. But he was trying to sabotage my relationship with Jake!" Clare protested.

"Clare, what is this mental hold Jake has on you? It's TOXIC," Helen emphasized.

"It was my relationship!" Clare said.

"You sure give it a lot more importance than Jake ever did, that's for sure," Helen said, shaking her head. "Let me tell you something about the type of boy Jake is, Clare, because you are still obviously so hung up on him. You want to wait around for Jake? Go ahead, sweetheart. But know that while you are waiting for Jake to make the type of commitment that I doubt he ever will, your friends will find smart, mature, respectable boyfriends and will have meaningful long-term relationships. They will get engaged, get married, have children – all while you are waiting around on something that will never happen. You will be embarrassed and humiliated as Jake dates girl after girl and probably fathers a few children when an accident happens. If you want to wait around for him to make some commitment to you, be prepared to wait your entire life. And then it will be too late. You'll be too old for a family – it's different for girls than it is for guys, Clare. We can't have children past a certain age. You want to wait around for Jake, you'll be waiting your entire life. Clare…what you had with Jake means nothing to him anymore, and I don't think it ever meant a little more than nothing in the first place. He filled your head with nonsense, Clare. Made you lose your mind," Helen finished as Clare was looking down at her hands.

Helen then added, "For God's sake, Clare, he wouldn't even take you to a movie! Meanwhile Eli took you to that vampire special showing thing TWICE! Two weekends," Helen pointed out. "Jake never even paid for a date with you, Clare – that's a red flag right there, you know. You had a boy who is one in a million in Eli, but you didn't recognize it – maybe you didn't have the perspective. But when it comes down to it, the world is filled with Jakes. Only a few Elis in the world, though, and it's a lucky girl who meets one".

Helen then gravely said, "I hope someday you will have more sense than this, Clare. I need to know what his hold on you is, and you will tell me. You had sex with him, didn't you? This is why you are so attached to him," Helen said.

"I didn't!" Clare protested.

"Clare…how can I be sure of anything you tell me anymore? After you lied to me for so long?" Helen asked.

"We didn't!" Clare said.

"Well thank God he had the sense to stop it. Clare, you got lucky. Too lucky. And how embarrassing is it that Jake and you started off as friends with benefits? For crying out loud, Clare, when you told me that, I could hardly believe my ears!" Helen exclaimed.

"He said we should just have fun! Do what makes us feel good!" Clare screamed.

"Oh, I bet he did, Clare! He knows exactly what to say to you to get you to do exactly what he wants – I've never seen anything like it, the way he can just manipulate you like that!" Helen shouted.

"What?" Clare asked, looking up at her mom in a flash.

"He's manipulating you, Clare – he always has. Not intentionally – but he has SUCH A HOLD ON YOU!" Helen said slowly.

"He did not, he does not," Clare said stubbornly.

"Yes he does, Clare, or else you would not have forgiven the way he betrayed you over and over again. Clare, he dragged you down. He's no good for you! You need to have a little more self-respect, Clare. I know it's not what you want to hear – but there's only two types of women who do relationships for 'fun'. One is older women, confident and ones who know exactly what they're doing," Helen said, pointing to a gossip magazine and saying, "Hollywood actresses, singers – people who know exactly what they want. Not sixteen year old girls who get attached to a boy because he's hot and promises all the right things while doing all the wrong ones behind your back. Or excuse me, not even – Jake did all those things in front of you! How much more shameless can this get? Clare – the other type of girls who do friends with benefits are girls with no self-esteem, and I did not raise you to cheapen yourself this way! You might tell me Jake told you he loved you, and I'm sure he believed it too, but the truth is that for him it always stayed as little more than friends with benefits. While you kept getting more and more attached to him," Helen reproached.

"But he said he loved me!" Clare whined softly.

"He said it, Clare. He never showed you. And the fact that you felt the need to jump into bed with him behind my back proves that you knew that you had to keep a boy like Jake entertained. He wasn't pleased with how far you already went – much more further than appropriate Clare – and what on earth are those pictures in your room? They're inappropriate Clare – sloppy kisses and swim suit trips – you sitting on his lap in nothing but your swim suit! I'm going to not throw them away, but burn them, Clare! I can't believe you put those up," Helen said, getting more and more worked up.

"I wanted to remind him of the good days," Clare said quietly.

"Clare – he's done. He's done with you. As soon as he realized you're not having sex with him unless it's forever, he's done. Clare…you need to move past Jake. He never took you seriously, Clare. That's the plain truth of it. Never. And he never will. If you keep pining over him like this…we are moving out. I will not live in this way. I will get a divorce," Helen whispered as her tears were red.

"Mom," Clare whispered in horror.

"Clare – you're my daughter. And if keeping you safe means the ruin of my marriage, well then so be it," Helen said, raising her hands in the air.

"Mom," Clare said in a stern tone.

"I will not have you living under the same roof as Jake if you are hell bent on spending the rest of your life pining after a boy who fed you nonsense and mistreated you time after time. I know what you'll do. You'll have sex with him in an attempt to win him back. No, Clare, no. I won't let it happen. We're done. That's it. I'll call Glen tonight and tell him. They can move, or we'll move, or whatever. But I will not live under such conditions. You get what you want, Clare. Glen and I are separating. You win," Helen said, exasperated.

"Mom, I don't want that!" Clare said, bursting into tears. "I don't want to ruin your marriage! You're so happy with Glen!" Clare said as Helen hugged her tightly.

"Clare…it's just like Eli put it in reference to himself. I'd do anything for you. Anything. This situation is broken beyond repair. We can't all live together, not after what you and Jake have done. It's over," Helen said with determination.

"Mom, no! Please, I promise, I promise I'll be good," Clare said.

"It's too much of a risk, Clare. You're so hung up on Jake. He's got this awful hold on you – it's the unhealthiest thing I've ever seen. I won't live like that – it's so dangerous for you! I'm afraid you'll sleep with him and even end up pregnant with your step-brother's baby. And I'm even scared that you'd be happy - because surely that would mean you'd get to be with him forever and ever! Clare, he'd bolt faster than a rolling tear. You never asked much of Jake in the 'relationship' you had – all you ever asked was for him not to take off. And what did he do, Clare? Time and time again? He took off," Helen said as she tightly hugged Clare.

"I know," Clare whined painfully.

"Clare, it's time to let go of these silly school girl fantasies. I know why you liked Jake – he's a very beautiful boy. But there's nothing beautiful about the way that he mistreated you time and time again, betrayed you, time and time again. You never checked to see if he was beautiful on the inside as well Clare – and that's most important. I know you liked him because he's attractive. And you know what the saddest thing is to me, Clare? That Eli knows that too – how hurtful. He told me that he'd never be one of these hot guys all the girls love, which seems to be the type you gravitate towards, with the exception of Eli, who is a really special type of boy, you know," Helen gently said.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked thoughtfully.

"Clare, when you brought him to dinner, you lied to make him look bad. When you told me about Jake, you lied to make him look good – that it was him who fixed your hand at that cabin, that it was him who always helped you. You have these superficial views of Eli, and I know it. That's he's…some type of awful person. Clare, there's Christians…like Jake, who call themselves that. And then there's people who are not religious – and after Eli lost his first love, can you blame him for not thinking that there's someone who looks out for us? – but who have these deep, good morals that they cling to tightly, and who are so trustworthy and dependable – who are better than…than even those who call themselves Christians, Clare. Sweetheart, I know Eli tries to come off as this big, tough guy who is totally free of all feelings and who is over all the bad things that happened to him…I know he tries to come off big and tough…but the truth is that I've never seen anyone be so gentle as he was with you when he was watching you sleep after he brought you home that awful day. Clare, he's one of the good ones. One of the only good ones," Helen sighed.

"Mom…do you think I'm…crazy?" Clare whispered in horror. "That's what Jake called me…when I lost it at him," Clare said.

"Absolutely not, Clare. Not for a minute," Helen replied right away.

"That's what Eli said," Clare said with a relieved exhale.

"And he's right. Clare…everyone needs someone to take care of them sometimes. Boys and girls. Clare…Eli sounded to me like he was really scared right before everything went downhill with you too. I wish you hadn't been so secretive with me. I wish you would have come to me for advice. Leaving him like that, Clare….you could have gone there to him, you know. You could have stayed with him for a bit, explained. He was scared. You could have held his hand. He wanted to change, you told me, he wanted to be a better young man for you. You could have explained your feelings," Helen gently put it.

"I didn't want to! He scared me. I wanted to dance. I wanted to have fun," Clare said stubbornly.

"I understand. But Clare, you scared him too. I'm trying to get you to see what love is, because you're so misguided after Jake that you don't know what it truly is. Eli's taken such good care of you, Clare, through it all – never in my life have I seen an ex-boyfriend who would have done what Eli did. Ever, Clare – the way he took such good care of you and brought you home. It's outstanding, how that boy can feel so much and care for everyone so," Helen gently said.

"I..just wanted to be away from him that night. I didn't want to deal with him anymore," Clare said.

"I know that, Clare. Eli told me that you found him annoying and needy. But…don't you see? He was able to help you in a way that you never wanted to help him. I'm not saying this means anything like you should get back with him, because you clearly don't care about him," Helen finished.

"What?" Clare asked.

"I don't think you care about him," Helen repeated.

"What makes you say that?" Clare asked.

"I just…Clare…you don't. Because he never would have treated you the way you treated him – especially after your break up. How do you think he felt with all of this stuff with Jake?" Helen asked.

"I…I…" Clare said, before she completely faltered. "Mom, just please – please don't call it off with Glen. I will get over Jake. I…he chose Jenna. I don't want to be with him after knowing his lips have touched hers. I don't…I don't love him anymore," Clare said with determination on her face.

"Clare Diana Edwards, if I ever have as much as a doubt about what your relationship is with Jake, I will move us out faster than you can even tell. I will also be putting a lock on your door. I know it sounds intense, but Clare…I can't completely trust you anymore. Not right away. I'd like to be the only one with the key, and I will lock it and open it every night. No negotiating," Helen said strictly.

"Whatever it takes to make you trust me again," Clare said.

"I trust everyone, sweetheart. I just don't trust the devil inside them," Helen said. "We can get through this Clare. Thank you for talking to me…and I mean…really talking to me this time," Helen said, and Clare was taken aback to see tears in her mom's eyes.

"Mom, I don't care about Jake…I…I can see clearly now…after Jenna. After…knowing that he'd dump me sooner or later anyway – he wants sex, mom, I know it. I'm not stupid," Clare said with a shrug.

"Oh, sweetheart – he's not for you. He's not boyfriend material. Not even close. And definitely not for you. You need someone intelligent, who you can study and work with – someone who will bring you up, not down. Somewhat smart, and caring, and someone who just wants to be your best friend. Someone who will never leave you alone, who will never abandon you when things get rough. Someone whose promises actually mean something," Helen gently said, seeing a thoughtful look scan across her daughter's face.

"Yeah…" Clare said as she lied down on her side in the large hotel bed and looked out at the sight of Niagara Falls.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Was your trip good?" Jake somewhat awkwardly asked Clare.

"It was the best," Clare said with a smile as she walked right by Jake without giving him a second thought, heading to her room and starting to unpack.

When she resurfaced downstairs right before dinner, she attempted doing some trigonometry homework, trying to avoid the truth that was becoming harder and harder to ignore. She had no idea how to do the problems – she was incredibly far behind. She picked up her English binder instead, only to be overwhelmed by the amount of work she had to do for that class as well at once.

When Helen walked by, she could immediately pick up on her daughter's distress.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Helen asked. "How's it coming along?'

"It's not," Clare said shakily, her lower lip quivering.

"Sweetheart…ask him tomorrow, okay? Just ask him. You need help. This is important Clare, and you and I both know he will help you," Helen said.

"I will," Clare said somewhat nervously.

"Jake, did you take those shirts up to your room like I asked?" Helen then said.

"Yeah, but I ended up with an extra school shirt somehow," Jake said with a frown.

"What?" Helen asked, her exhaustion not making her catch on.

"I don't know, it's weird, it's a little small," Jake said.

"It shrunk? Show me," Helen said, and Jake came down the stairs just a minute later, and Helen did indeed frown at his shirt.

"Oh," she gasped, "My mistake. That's not yours, Jake – when Eli brought Clare home that day I washed his shirt, I forgot all about it. Please take it to school and give the boy back his shirt," Helen said patiently as Jake nodded.

"That's Eli's?" Clare piped up.

"Guess that's why it's kinda small," Jake said as he tugged the red material a little.

"TAKE IT OFF!" Clare then screamed at the top of her lungs, causing everyone to widen their eyes. Out of the corner of her eyes, Clare saw Glen book it through the back door connected to the kitchen, and later she saw the light in the shed go on.

"Jesus, stop screaming," Jake told Clare sternly.

"TAKE. HIS. SHIRT OFF. NOW! TAKE IT OFF!" Clare screamed at the top of her lungs once again. "THAT'S HIS SHIRT! NOT YOURS! DON'T WEAR IT! IT'S HIS! I DON'T WANT JENNA SLIDING OFF ELI'S SHIRT AWAY FROM YOUR BODY! TAKE IT OFF!" Clare said, coming off to Jake and tugging on the shirt.

"Relax, hold your horses and don't make another hysterical scene, it's just a stupid shirt," Jake said as he slid it off quickly and Clare exhaled in anger a few times his way before Jake told her he was putting it in his bag so he could return it to Eli the next day at school.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Eli sighed heavily as he looked down the hallway. This was the last thing that he felt like doing right now, but he knew he had to.

"Jake, hey," he said quietly as he came up next to Jake, who was pulling out books from his bag and placing them on the top shelf in his locker.

"What's up Eli," Jake said, sounding tired, and each of the boys knew they didn't really want to be talking.

"I need to give you back this shirt from your dad's company, Clare's mom lent it to me a few days ago," Eli said, holding out the shirt that Cece had washed and ironed that awful night that Eli had let go of all self-control and spent hours crying in his mom's arms. Jake grabbed it with a nod and Eli began to walk away at once.

"Wait, Helen gave me your polo, hang on a minute," Jake said as he rummaged through his bag.

"Oops," Jake said with an embarrassed smile. "Sorry, man, she washed it but looks like the chicken soup she made me spilled from my thermos. Damn it, it's all over my books," Jake said as he cursed a little.

"I don't care, it's fine," Eli said with a shrug.

"Sorry man, I can take it home again and Helen will wash it," Jake said.

"Not necessary, I can wash it myself," Eli said with a shrug. "Thanks Jake," he said politely before he walked away quickly, thinking the five minutes he spent talking to Jake were five minutes too long.

Three minutes later, Eli was at his own locker and he didn't see Clare standing behind the corner, peeking out at him with a very cute pink blush on her face – he had no idea that she was standing there, gathering up her strength to ask Eli for help with her upcoming exams, and he did take a quick look around the near empty hallway and shrugged, deciding that the few guys on the football team wouldn't be objecting to what he was about to do. His next class was gym, and while he had arrived at school in black basketball shorts with the Degrassi logo on them, he hadn't put on his gym shirt on, and he quickly pulled it out of his bag and slipped his red polo over his head quickly, facing the inside of his locker.

He didn't see Clare's pink blush get even deeper, but the minute that she stepped forward and gasped, he did turn around in recognition of her voice and presence.

"Woah," he said as he turned around and his back collided with the door of his locker. "Clare?" he asked in surprise, and she saw his eyes flood with pain as he realized that…_she had seen_.

"Eli," she said shakily. "What…?" she gasped emotionally as she walked to right in front of him. He wished he could slip his other shirt on, but he was a little shell shocked that she was in this relatively empty hallway, and…at this moment.

She kept her eyes on his for a minute before letting them trail down, and Eli was tightly holding his shirt in his hands, the position covering up just his last few abs.

"Eli…what are these?" Clare asked shakily, pain in her eyes as well.

"Scars," Eli whispered, his voice barely audible.

"Since…when? Where from?" Clare asked.

"Um, I-I've always had them," Eli said as he didn't meet Clare's eyes.

"Don't you lie to me," Clare replied assertively. "They're from -…aren't they?" she asked, and Eli only nodded.

"They don't hurt," he said stubbornly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Clare asked shakily as she took a step closer to Eli, being so close to him now that his breath quickened.

"What would have been the point of that, Clare?" Eli sighed.

Clare wished she could have come up with a rebuttal, but she knew Eli had a point.

"Oh, Eli," she whimpered painfully, raising her hand a little.

When Eli flinched and his back hit his locker hard, Clare wanted to burst into tears. She had never touched his chest, that was true, but…really? He _flinched?_

"Don't," Eli whispered with a labored breath. "Don't pretend you care," he said as his eyes became red.

"But I do!" Clare replied immediately, shaking her curls side to side, and Eli wanted so badly to tell her that…she looked so pretty today. She had such a delicate pink blush on her cheeks, he thought, one that he hadn't seen there in so long.

"Clare…it's just a couple of scars," Eli said softly.

"They're on your back too. What happened?" Clare asked.

"Glass," Eli said with a shrug.

"Oh my God," Clare gasped.

"It's not a big deal," Eli said, shrugging again.

"Eli, yes it is! Glass cut your skin so deep that it left scars!" Clare protested. As she looked at his skin more closely though, she gasped again.

"No…Eli…what…how is that possible?" she asked, and this time she did raise her hand slowly, and she ran her fingers ever so softly along the largest scar, feeling Eli's entire body tremble at her touch. She gently moved the shirt that he was holding out of his hands, and she felt his body collide softly with the row of lockers as she held his hands in hers and gently ran her free hand up and down each scar, feeling them very slowly and softly. They weren't large, but Eli was so pale that they were very prominent.

"I can feel it," Clare whimpered, "Why can I feel it?" she asked.

"Because it's still in there. Just a bit of it, just a bit of glass," Eli said with an exhale, breathing shallowly and rapidly at Clare's touch.

"Why? How can they leave it in there?" Clare asked.

"I'm on the waiting list for surgery, welcome to Toronto waiting times. As long as I don't play any sports – the only thing I'm allowed to do in P.E. is the treadmill and the bike, much to Coach Armstrong's displeasure, it should just stay there," Eli said with a shrug. "Docs says any day now I can go and get it done, simple procedure, walk in and out," Eli told her.

"Clare," he exhaled painfully, because her caresses were getting more detectable, and Eli didn't know for how much longer now he could stop himself from wanting to lean in and kiss her…her face was so close to his…and he could feel that flowery smell of her perfume that he hadn't felt in so long.

"You…you went through so much…alone…I had no idea," Clare whispered, her eyes red, as her fingers traced the muscles of Eli's chest.

"I had my dad, doctors, and nurses. I had exactly the people who I should have. It was their job, Clare – no one else's," Eli said emphatically, and as his eyes fixed on hers, she knew what he meant.

"Not yours. I'm sorry I asked you make me that promise – I had no idea what I was promising. So I hope you forgive me," Eli said as he gently moved Clare's hand away from her body. With a powerful jolt in his body, he slipped his PE shirt on, and Clare just kept looking at him with sad eyes.

"I forgive you," she said sadly, wishing so badly she could say she was sorry too, but the words were not coming out.

"Thank you," Eli said emphatically.

"I…I wanted to ask you if-if" Clare faltered.

"Yes?" Eli asked her gently, lowering his gaze to meet her shy one.

"I…I am behind in my homework, and…parts of it, I can't - in math, and English – I don't understand…" Clare hesitated, casting her gaze to the floor.

"I can help you," Eli said at lightning speed. "If…if you want me to. English I like, and I'm okay at math depending on what the topic is," Eli cautioned.

"Trigonometry," Clare said with a tiny exhale that made Eli want to kiss her right then and there.

"Oh, good, geometry I like," Eli said, sounding relieved. "Just tell me when and where, Clare. You still have my phone number?" Eli asked.

Clare shook her head, not wanting to look at him when she admitted this.

"It's okay that you don't," Eli said, but Clare saw that he looked completely heartbroken that she had just erased him like that. She pulled out her phone and he quickly typed it in, making everything so easy for her. She didn't even really have to ask, and…he was making everything so easy for her, not wanting her to be embarrassed, she knew.

"When are your finals?" Eli asked.

"In two weeks. Eli…it's bad…I know…almost nothing in math and in English I'm missing so many assignments," Clare admitted.

"Hey. Look at me," Eli told her softly, and she did so. "We can do this, Clare. We'll zip through English – I did all those assignments so I know them well, and then we'll work on math every night so it can get engrained in your memory, okay? We can work at the Dot, or at school, or at the library, or at my house or ours – wherever you feel most comfortable, okay? Just let me know when you want to, I'm free most afternoons – just not from 4-6 on Thursdays…I…um…have appointments with my therapist then, can't miss those, hell has no fury like a pissed off therapist, trust me," Eli said with chuckle. "Clare…don't doubt yourself. You're the smartest girl I know. We can pull through this – and then your life can go back to normal again, okay?" Eli said reassuringly, and Clare loved that…he knew exactly how she felt.

"Thanks, Eli," she said gratefully, and her heart leapt when he flashed her a small smirk – a sight she hadn't seen in so long – and he walked away from her slowly, thinking that now that he had agreed to help her with her schoolwork, she wouldn't want him around anymore.

As Clare watched him walk away, she felt overcome by both a deep sadness and excitement. She now understood that she had hurt Eli badly, and that after all that, he had still found forgiveness and compassion in his heart. It made Clare so embarrassed as she remembered…how she had left him in the hospital, scared and alone, and she had just danced her worries away. She thought back to what her mom had told her as she walked outside for a minute before class.

She saw Eli standing around with Coach Armstrong's class, and she was not pleased that Imogen and Fiona were standing with him. Imogen had with her, out of all things, a shaggy but incredibly cute black and white puppy-like dog, who Clare noticed excitedly ran to Eli when he appeared in the dog's eyeline. She then heard Imogen scold the puppy for releasing these high-pitched yelps, but she saw Eli tell her something and he picked up the shaggy, black and white curly haired puppy and held it up really high with one hand as he looked at each of its paws. Clare saw Eli rub the puppy's entire body tightly with a thoughtful look on his face, and then he held it up again, isolating just one of the paws. When the puppy only yelped louder at that touch, Clare saw Eli gently kiss its head and she heard him softly say, "Oh, it's okay baby, I got you, I got you, Chalupa, you're okay. I got you. Be a good girl for me for just a minute longer," and Clare saw Eli's index and thumb finger reach into the puppy's paw and just like that, as the puppy released an incredibly painful and loud yelp, Eli pulled out the sharpest wood sliver that Clare had ever seen.

"Ouch! Shh, shh, I got it, you're okay baby, you're okay," Eli said as he was patting the puppy and holding it in its arms. When the puppy stopped shivering, Clare saw it burrow its body in Eli's arms and the little dog started licking his arms in gratefulness.

Clare had no idea why that sight affected her as much as it did.

But as she looked at the happy puppy look perfectly safe and content in Eli's arms as Eli was petting it and kissing its head, something that her mom had told her kept ringing through her mind.

_People like you and I, Clare, are used to being looked after. But Eli…Eli…he's used to looking after things. _


	5. It's True

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.

In this chapter many people will kick butt, and you'll see a character and a conversation that I would love the show to have in reality. Leave me a review and tell me which convo was your favourite, and we'll see if it's the same!

XXXXXXX

Clare was just walking up to the Degrassi steps when she saw a sight that she had never really seen before in front of her.

She had never really seen…angry Bullfrog.

She decided to strategically place herself behind a nearby car so she could listen to the conversation that Eli was trying to have with his dad. _Trying_.

"Dad," Eli was saying in exasperation.

"Eli," Bullfrog sighed heavily. "When is this going to end? Your doctor finally tells me you're getting better, only to have your principal tell me you're not!"

"Dad, I am better – Simpson doesn't know that it," Eli was saying, looking around before whispering to his dad, "That it wasn't actually me who broke that window," Eli said as Clare flinched in shame and took in the look of confusion on Bullfrog's face.

"What?" Bullfrog asked impatiently.

"It…It's just easier if he thinks that it was me," Eli said to his dad, and slowly, but surely Bullfrog got the entire story out of his son.

"This is why you bought that pretty red mug with your mom, too, isn't it? To replace the one Clare broke to give it to that teacher you like?" Bullfrog asked with a sigh as Eli nodded.

"Eli," Bullfrog gently said, "I know you want to protect Clare, but you gotta watch out son. One more incident and you know what your principal said was going to happen," Bullfrog said with a heavy sigh as Clare wondered what on Earth he could be talking about.

"Dad, please don't make me go there," Eli said as Clare finally noticed the brochures in Bullfrog's hand.

"Eli…do you know how embarrassing it was for me to stand in front of your principal and have him tell me that this window thing isn't the only issue? To tell me that there was an incident with an computer earlier?" Bullfrog asked as Clare became puzzled at seeing Eli cast his gaze at the floor at once.

"That was before…before I came to Dr. Gilbert, I wasn't…you know how I was," Eli said, ashamed.

"Eli – you lied to me. Again," Bullfrog said, sounding so disappointed. "How on earth did you get out of the computer mess without me hearing about it?" Bullfrog asked.

"Imogen stuck up for me – pretended she tripped over it," Eli replied as Clare steamed in anger. "It's…it's how I met her," Eli admitted to his dad. "For the first time".

"Boy, you're lucky you had her there. So that's before you –" Bullfrog said, trying to piece everything together.

"Yes. I know I hurt her dad, but we made it through all that stuff. And then she hurt me too," Eli said defensively.

"Eli – you can't make someone love you. She likes someone else, you said," Bullfrog said.

"I know, and I'm over it. You know we're still friends, you see her at home all the time," Eli protested, as Clare felt a potent jealousy invade her entire body at how not only had Imogen stood by Eli time and time again, but not even their tumultuous relationship had stopped them from maintaining a friendship! To Clare, it all didn't seem fair.

"Eli…you can't afford another incident at this school," Bullfrog sighed. "Maybe your principal is right – maybe one of these behaviour focused schools – "Bullfrog began, and Clare was shocked to see Eli's entire face fall and he looked ready to start crying.

"Dad…please, no. I won't be able to go to U of T if I go to a school for crazy people," Eli all but begged.

"Your principal said it won't matter, because you've already been accepted –" Bullfrog gently began.

"No! I still have to send them final transcripts! What do you think they're gonna think when they're gonna see that I moved to some Maple Grove Behaviour Prepatory School, dad?" Eli protested.

"Eli…I just want you to be in the best place possible," Bullfrog gently said.

When Clare saw Eli's entire chest heave as he winced painfully, all she wanted to do was hug him.

"My own dad doesn't believe me. My own dad thinks I'm crazy. You agree with him, don't you? With Principal Simpson? You think I'm gonna be a danger to everyone around me too, don't you dad?" Eli yelled, and Clare could see that he was starting to tear up.

"Eli, I'm not saying that –" Bullfrog gently began.

"Dad - she's been through enough! A detention isn't a big deal to me, but it is to Clare! She can't do this, not after everything she's been through! She's had enough! What the hell do I care that I have two weeks of staying an hour afterschool? It doesn't matter to me, but it could really affect Clare…she's going through a rough time now," Eli said as Clare felt her heart ache at his words.

"Eli…I'm proud of you for standing up for others – it's what I've always taught you to do, but you just took a pretty big fall for a girl who doesn't even talk to you anymore," Bullfrog pointed out.

"Dad…don't you see? It's my fault too, that she's going through a rough time. Don't you think she wishes she never met me? I brought the crazy into her life, it messed with her!" Eli pointed out, before taking a deep breath and saying, "I thought you'd understand dad. You had…you had mom, in high school. You met when you were fifteen. Don't try to tell me that if mom broke a window at school, you wouldn't take the fall for her. Don't you lie to me," Eli said with a powerful glare in his eyes.

When Bullfrog sadly shook his head, Clare felt tears in her own eyes.

"Oh, Eli…you're wrong. It's different. I know this hurts to hear, son, but Clare isn't to you what your mom is to me. She doesn't want to be," Bullfrog said slowly.

"And I know that. I get it, I really do. But…I won't ever get better if you're not on my side, dad. It's the only thing that made me get better…how you helped me. Now you agree with Simpson – you think I'm some loon that's gonna kill everyone around me. You want to send me away," Eli said as a tear ran down his eye.

"I do not, Eli," Bullfrog protested.

"Just go! Go back to work, I know you don't want to be here," Eli said as his chest heaved. "I'll do it. Fine. I'll go to the crazy people school. I'll do whatever you want," Eli said, sounding so incredibly exhausted.

"Eli –" Bullfrog said again, but Eli was already running inside the school.

"Just go, dad. I know you're tired of dealing with my crap. I don't blame you," Eli was shouting, and Clare saw Bullfrog look down at the ground sadly and pull out his phone as he got back into a Mustang that Clare recognized from seeing it in the Goldsworthy's driveway a while ago.

Five minutes later, Clare was feeling like a little bit of a stalker as she stood around the corner and watched Eli and Adam sitting with their shoulders touching in front of Eli's locker.

"Dude, don't be so dramatic. Simpson said one MORE incident and you're out, right? So just make sure you control your emotions. And can I just point something out here? The whole property damage angle hasn't been your thing lately – it's Clare who broke that window, so don't make it in your head like you did it, Eli. I know you want to take the blame for her, and I agree, I guess. Clare's been through a lot lately, I don't think she could handle this as well," Adam said with a shrug.

"Yeah? What about Imogen's camera?" Eli asked, as Clare frowned. Eli had broken her camera.

"That was an accident – it's not like you took her camera in your hands and smashed it to the ground. You were trying to take that psycho project she made down so not the whole world could see it, and the camera was on the table when you pushed it off. Dude, stop saying you broke her camera because you ACCIDENTALLY did so," Adam pointed out. "Drew accidentally broke my mom's expensive case from China and he got off scot-free. Same thing," Adam shrugged.

"Adam…my dad was the only person left in my corner. Now he thinks there's no hope for me either. Do you…do you know what they do with people that are 'a danger to others', Adam? Do you? They put them in straitjackets and lock them in the mental ward. Turns out I can't beat this after all – no one is gonna want to read the ravings of a lunatic from a mental ward," Eli said before he his hid his face in his knees.

Clare felt like dying from all the guilt building in her body. She had to tell Simpson she had done it! She had to, she told herself, but the thought petrified her. She would have to go stand in Principal Simpson's office…and he's forever look at her differently, and all she wanted to do was bring her life back to normal. Now Principal Simpson would hate her…he'd always let her help on special projects, do special things about the school…now he'd only choose Alli for those projects for sure – it was like she was his little princess, especially after helping his ratings go up with that stupid math contest last year, Clare thought in anger.

"Dude, Eli, you sure TALK a lot of crap. Ain't nobody going to no mental ward – God damn it, if I have to shut your pathetic ass up, I'll just tell Simpson I broke the damn window. Or better yet, we'll tell him Drew it with a football," Adam said with a laugh, and Clare felt herself smile at Adam's nature, but she was sad to see that Eli didn't even seem to hear what he had been saying.

"Don't you dare do something stupid. Just…don't worry about it, okay? I'm just gonna miss you. You're gonna have to come over for guys' nights still," Eli said with a sad smirk.

"Don't be an idiot and leave when you don't even have to over some stupid window that you didn't even break," Adam said sternly.

"Don't you get it, Adam? My own dad doesn't even trust me. If Simpson doesn't want me in his precious school, then I don't wanna be here either," Eli said with a scoff. "Most of the time maybe it was better if I never came to Degrassi in the first place, would have saved everyone so much heart ache," Eli said sadly.

"You're such an idiot, dude. If you never came to Degrassi, I probably would have more of these on my arm!" Adam said, completely exploding, and showing Eli something that Clare thought she was the only one to know.

"Adam," Eli said painfully. "When was the last time-?' Eli asked.

"When…when I was Gracie. But then I came here, and I had friends – I had you, dude. So don't you throw melodramatic crap my way about how it would have been better if you had never come," Adam said.

"Hey," Eli replied, and Clare saw the softness in his green eyes before he punched Adam's shoulder lightly and said, "You'll never be able to get rid of me," with a smirk.

"Good. Because I don't want to," Adam replied as Clare realized that…she couldn't let this happen! She had to tell Simpson. But…her stomach was making her feel awful at just the thought of it…she just couldn't seem to convince her body to walk in the same direction.

XXXXXXXX

"It's so lovely, Eli, I love it," Clare heard Mrs. Dawes say to Eli during English class as he was entering and Mrs. Dawes admired her pretty new red ceramic mug. It was decorated in a Vincent Van Gogh pattern, and Clare fondly thought that…of course would have replaced Mrs. Dawes mug. He had always given her the most thoughtful and appropriate presents.

Clare had made up her mind that no matter what, at recess, she would have to go and tell Principal Simpson about the window…absolutely.

Except that recess had come and gone, and she simply could not do it. She was petrified.

So she had come up with another solution – she had asked Jake to say that he had done it. After all, Clare thought in fury, it was his fault it was broken. Except that she couldn't believe that he had said no! No! Just like that, 'No way, Clare – not only because I did not do it, but also because I don't want my dad to be any more pissed at me than he already is. Eli wants to say he did it, just let him. Everyone will probably believe it anyway – he's so weird. It's Eli, come on – he's done way crazier things than break a window".

That had been Jake's final response, and Clare was shocked to have heard it.

It also didn't help to see that Fiona and Imogen had heard about Eli's new plan, and Clare could tell that the two girls had been scheming to get him out of the mess. Clare saw Imogen march right into Principal Simpson's office and she heard her confess to breaking the window, but Principal Simpson had smugly said something right back to her about a computer, and it was obvious that Imogen was completely blindsided, and her credibility was completely shot.

Then, as Clare was walking to English, she had seen a scene that made her wish so badly that she could just work up the courage to tell Principal Simpson the truth.

She had been walking to her locker in the almost-empty hallway, running a bit late, when she heard Imogen run up behind her to Fiona, who was at the other end of the hallway.

She had loudly whispered, "He's coming! He's coming, hurry," and just a few seconds later, Principal Simpson was walking down the hallway, and Clare had watched a scene unfold that made her heart ache at just…just how much Fiona and Imogen were willing to do for their friend. She would never forget their conversation, an obvious set up for Principal Simpson to over-hear.

"So," Imogen had said, very loudly and slowly as Principal Simpson had appeared, "Is your mom coming to Degrassi today at lunch to make that huge donation that you were telling me about? Because she heard that the school ran out of money for renovations to the entire building and so the only wing that did not get renovated was the science one?" Imogen had asked.

Fiona had then put on a perfect actress performance as she said, "Oh, that! She _was_ going to, you know - but then she asked me how my day was and I told her how I was super bummed out that Eli can't stay here because of something as stupid as a broken window. My mom said she's not giving any money to any school that does not support people just because they have a therapist and uses them as a scapegoat. She said that if Degrassi lets a bully who throws a transgender kid through a window continue to go here, but not a talented writer who is just going through a bit of a hard time, then it's not the kind of organization she wants to support her. She said she does not want to be associated with the school at all – people report the donations my mom does in page six of the Times sometimes, you know. She said she can't have the Coyne name connected to such a mean institution, and she's gonna pull out of the scholarship fund she wanted to set up for the LGBT club after I graduated too, you know. She said the school has no legacy of support for its deserving students, so she can't really give them any money," Fiona had said with a perfect sad, but critical tone.

"Oh, wow, that's too bad. Your mom's right though – she really shouldn't have her name associated with that, it would be damaging," Imogen had said with a feisty little nod, and both girls had looked Principal Simpson straight in the eye, stoic and unrelenting – something that moved Clare to her very core…she couldn't imagine acting that way to Simpson, especially when he gave the girls an unimpressed glare and they boldly just shrugged at him before walking away.

The display was one that truly shook Clare, and she thought that she DEFINITELY had to tell Principal Simpson the truth…but she just couldn't do it at that moment, so she decided to take English class to try to gather her powers, which is what she was doing at the moment, in Mrs. Dawes' English class.

"Clare?" she heard Mrs. Dawes' voice say to her, and she jolted back to reality and out of her thoughts.

"Can you do me a favour and take this note to Principal Simpson?" Mrs. Dawes asked, and Clare nodded shyly and began walking in the hallway.

Clare knew she shouldn't…but it seemed to her one big coincidence that Mrs. Dawes was sending the principal a note in light of the entire situation with Eli…and she decided to hide behind a locker and just open the folded note.

Sure enough, she had been right. It WAS about Eli. It was short, but right to the point, and when she got to the last part, her heart sunk.

_Archie, _

_ I'm so disappointed in you. I have been teaching here for a while now, and I have never seen a principal act in more poor faith than the display that I just saw from you. You're ruining my best student, Archie, all over a stupid window. I don't understand what more you want from him – the boy paid for it, and he's serving plenty of detention. _

_ You're not being fair – writing him off as some kind of crazy loon. This is a boy who has brought nothing but achievements to your school, and you don't even realize it. You're being a bully, Archie, a bully to a 17 year old boy. I know Eli gave you your fair share of troubles, but had that Fitz character not been involved, Vegas Night wouldn't have turned out that way. I imagine it's easy to blame Eli; he's done so many bad things. But this is a boy who's worked hard to change his life, and instead of praising him and encouraging him, you're only reinforcing his biggest fear – that he's a failure. _

_ Archie, you don't know this yet, but Eli's going to win a Canada Centennial Scholarship when he graduates; the committee just called me this morning. And what's more – he will win the Hemingway Memorial Scholarship as well, for his writing – Archie, you may not have heard of it, but it's awarded to one adolescent writer in all of Canada. All of Canada, Archie. And they chose Eli. Your Eli. _

_ Now, when these awards are published in the annual teachers' journal in May, when they are published in newspapers, don't you want 'Degrassi Community School' to be under Eli's name? Don't you want to have the national acclaim – and funding for the literature program here at Degrassi – that comes with it? You let him go Archie, and it'll be some other school that has their name under Eli's. Some other school that gets all of the attention and all of the praise. I guess it's your choice ultimately, I know it is – but you keep in mind that Eli's name will appear in print on several occasions in the future – you know how on the inside cover of major novels they talk about the author's life? This is a kid who wrote – and rewrote – me a Grundy-winning play in a week. Eli's destined for greatness, Archie. I'm sure we will see many outstanding things from him. And I just thought you'd like to see 'Degrassi Community' School associated with that greatness. But maybe I'm wrong. I'm not a principal, I don't know all the policies; I'm just an English teacher. All I can do is hope that you make the right decision._

_Sincerely, _

_Sandy_

"He is destined for greatness…." Clare softly repeated to herself, having a vision of the future that haunted her. When Eli would be doing these great things…who would be by his side? Because Clare had seen a lot of people stand by his side today…and none of them had included her.

She had to tell Principal Simpson! And she had to do it now!

She began to walk in his direction with determination, just when she heard a little scurry over by the detector machines.

She saw Dave's dad stop an elegant woman in such a nice black suit and heels that caught Clare's eyes right away. She was maybe Indian, or maybe Middle Eastern? Clare wasn't sure, but she was really pretty – around her mom's age, Clare thought – with long curly, black hair and a very smart, sleek Blackberry of the latest design in her hand. She was furiously punching on it as she was muttering out loud to herself, "Damn researchers, think their schedule runs the world…you can wait 15 minutes for me," confusing Clare greatly.

"Ma'am," Dave's dad was saying, "Phone can't go through the metal detector, please place in this bin," and Clare saw the lady do so with a polite smile as she followed the officer's instructions perfectly.

"Now ma'am, who are you here to see?" Officer Turner asked.

"The principal. Principal Simpson," the woman confidently said.

"I do hope you have an appointment, he can only meet with parents without appointments," Officer Turner cautioned, and Clare didn't see a single hesitation on the woman's face as she answered,

"Oh no, of course, I know that. I'm a mom of a student who goes here," she said with a wave of her hand.

"I'm afraid I'll need to know the student's name, I haven't seen you around here before," Officer Turner replied.

"Oh, of course, his name is Eli," the woman said, and Clare opened her eyes wider. Unless Cece had been kidnapped by aliens and this woman was one inhabiting her body, there was no way that she was Eli's soft, merry-hearted mom. If there was one word to characterize this woman, it was…intense and…professional.

"Eli Goldsworthy, the principal is expecting me," the woman continued, rushing past Officer Turner before he even got a chance to respond.

In that moment, Clare knew that whatever was about to happen, she simply could not miss.

She rushed after the woman and slowly stood in a chair outside Simpson's office, grateful that you could hear absolutely every single word through the door.

"Principal Simpson, it's a pleasure to meet you," Clare heard her say as she watched them through the window discreetly.

"You're not Mrs. Goldsworthy," Simpson replied with a raised eyebrow.

"I am not – my apologies for deceiving your security team, but I am afraid I am not a parent, but my schedule simply allows no time for house calls, and especially not this week. I am afraid I simply had to see you – and it has to be now," the woman assertively says.

"Forgive my imprudence Mrs, but…who are you?" Simpson asked in confusion, and Clare was glad that he was posing that particular question.

"You can call me Doctor, Sir. Doctor Gilbert, BSc, MSc, PHD, MD, with a specialization in adolescent psychiatry. Eli Goldsworthy is one of my patients, and I am here to discuss the legal situation at hand," Clare saw the woman say, and she immediately knew that Principal Simpson was in over his head. This woman…she was a shark, Clare could tell right away. You did NOT want to be on the opposite side of an argument with her…and Clare strangely faintly smiled at trying to imagine disagreements between her and Eli…she realized that a doctor like this was exactly the type that Eli needed, and no wonder that she was working wonders with him. She had said only a few sentences, but already Clare knew that…she was not a woman you said no to.

"Excuse me Mrs? The legal situation?" Principal Simpson said in confusion.

"Yes, Sir. And it's Doctor, not Mrs.," the woman corrected Simpson as Clare widened her eyes.

"What legal situation, Doctor? I merely suggested that perhaps Eli would be more comfortable in a school that can accord the proper attention to his behaviour. He is acting in a way that is a danger to all of my other students," Simpson defended himself, and Clare knew that he was in for it when the woman…smiled a little sarcastic smile and fixed her black-rimmed glasses.

"Oh, Principal Simpson, you are an interesting case that is for sure. Tell me Sir, I do believe you are missing a frame," the woman said, scanning what Clare knew were Principal Simpson's university diplomas.

The woman continued, "You have your BA, your Bed, even a Master's in Education – impressive. But tell me Sir, why did you not up your medical degree? Because to make assertions and judgements of the type that you just did – on MY patient, nevertheless – you do need a medical diploma Sir, and a two-year specialization after your third year of medical residence, and another two years of a fellowship focusing on adolescent psychiatry. Where is it, Sir?" the woman asked, feigning an innocence that had Clare completely captivated.

She then added, "You did go to medical school, didn't you, Sir? Because to declare someone a danger to others – well, we all know that you can't be throwing those words around, Sir. They have a legal, tangible, meaning and not to mention – thank you for costing me about ten hours' worth of setbacks with Eli. You managed to zero in on his single biggest insecurity – that he is not well, and worse, will never be so. That you have given up on him. Sir, what you have done is dangerous – this is why assertions of the type you made are not to be made by anyone without qualifications – proper qualifications. So tell me, Sir, where did you go to medical school? I went to Harvard. How about you?" the doctor asked as Clare's eyes were wide open.

Simpson did not even reply before the doctor continued, "Sir, I'm not a principal like you – I do not have the experience to know school dynamics first-hand. But if there is one thing that I do know, is that Eli did not break that window. It's plain as day. He won't tell me what happened, which makes everything even more plain – he's protecting someone. Now, it's Eli. He's not a kid with a lot of friends, won't take long to guess just who he is protecting. But that is irrelevant – I understand that the window was paid for, and that Eli is serving detention so that you look like a responsible principal who has found whoever is culpable and has sought out justice. I really am not interested in Eli in this case, he's an easy one to figure out – know his past and read him like an open book. Now all I have to do is fix everything that you just damaged – so thank you – normally Eli could have finished his intensive therapy by graduation, but now you have just set us back. It's not Eli who is a danger to your school – but I do understand why you have done this," the doctor continued.

"Ma'am, I think that's enough -" Principal Simpson said, not liking the tide of this conversation.

"I've heard of your school, you know. And it's Doctor. Not Ma'am. Yes, I've seen your school in several articles, on the news and such, long before Eli came to me. Oh, I'm sure you have your hands full, Sir, and I know why you're doing this. You're definitely the more interesting study in this situation than Eli is. This need to overcompensate, to find who is responsible right away – I do believe it indicates past trouble with…perhaps the school board, the parents' board? Accusations that you are not a fit principal and that a replacement will be found…judgements that your school is out of control – kids bringing knives to dances, gang involvement that causes a shooting at prom – what kind of protection is there in your school? What kind of principal is running it? Oh, Sir I can imagine how that must feel – surely we must not let situations get out of control, even when they are as mundane as a broken window, something an elementary school teacher would dismiss faster than you have Sir. But I caution you – don't go to the other extreme.

You're a talented principal, your kids love you – because you trust them. Because you reward them. You let them have fun events, you argue for their safety – don't lose all the good qualities about you with this desperation to overcompensate so that no one will blame you. It's a high school – things happen, when youth who are now in juvi attend. But don't you ever dare pass a medical judgement on my patient – or I will take your decision to the school board, and all the way to the Supreme Court if I have to. Trust me, Sir, anyone will ask for expert evidence on any decision related to Eli – professional medical evidence, someone who is qualified to make the right judgements. And you will find Sir, that when it comes to adolescent psychiatry – not only am I the leading expert, but you will also find that I have taught mostly everyone else with this qualification. Something to keep in mind, Sir. I trust you will make the right decision and apologize to my patient. I will no longer be taking up any more of your time - I know how valuable time is, and for someone who has just been set back ten hours, I understand. Have a good day, Sir. I trust you will talk to my patient before lunch time and fix the damage you created before Eli convinces himself he really is what you have made him out to be. And he is not, Sir. Of that I assure you. Have a pleasant afternoon," the woman said, leaving the room and whizzing by Clare without even looking at her.

Both Clare and Simpson were left a little flabbergasted as the doctor furiously typed in some more texts on her sleek Blackberry and Clare watched her get into a shiny black BMW and drive out of the school parking lot.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Eli, can I talk to you?" Clare heard Simpson say after she had returned to class and the bell was almost ringing.

When Eli returned to class, Clare didn't miss how his entire body seemed relaxed and…he was smiling, even smiling. Clare saw Simpson nod to Mrs. Dawes as he held up the note that she had written to her in a gesture of understanding, making Clare glad that in the mess of everything, she had not forgotten to give it to Simpson.

When the bell rang, Clare watched Eli walk away and she was immediately saddened by the sight. When he sat down in the JT Yorke Memorial garden, she shyly sat beside him.

"Hey," she said softly to him, and Eli took in her pink sweater and her pink cheeks and imagined himself leaning in for a kiss for a second. He wanted to tell Clare how pretty she looked in her soft pink sweater, but he knew that he needed to exert more self control than that. And he did.

"Hey," he replied with a soft smirk that made Clare's heart beat faster. "Um, wanna do tutoring?' Eli asked, thinking that could be the only reason why she approached him.

"No…not yet. I wanted to…I wanted to thank you. For…the window thing," Clare said softly. "I'm going to tell Simpson I did it…right now," Clare said with determination.

"Please don't do that – that whole saga with Simpson and me just ended, let's not open another can of worms. Clare, come on, I've served plenty of detentions – it'll be like a nice little reminder, a tiny homage before I graduate," Eli said with a smirk.

"No, Eli, no," Clare said with determination, and just then she saw Simpson walking down the hallway, and she immediately called, "Principal Simpson!" at the top of her lungs.

"Clare, what's going on? Why are you shouting in my hallways?" Simpson asked.

"The window – Sir it-" Clare said, her cheeks gaining a soft pink blush that made Eli want to kiss her all over again.

"Clare, please – that whole incident is over," Simpson said, and Clare was shocked to hear him basically mirror Eli. "The way I look at it – this is a school; a window is going to break here and there. The repairman was just here; Mrs. Dawes' room gets a new shiny window, and I believe her mug was replaced as well. Many things happen in a school in a short period of time – the drama room is right next to a back entrance; the football team had practice that day; perhaps a member hit the window with a piece of equipment by accident. Who knows, it's a school, these things happen all the time. I have bigger things to worry about Clare, so if you don't mind, I'm going to go do so now. Eli, I don't want you to serve any detention either – there's just too much traffic by that window to be able to determine what happened, and that's that. Study hard for finals, kids," Simpson said with a smile, leaving a slightly shocked Eli and Clare behind.

"Wow," Eli said with a smirk. "Sweet, no detention," he declared as his smirk got even bigger.

Clare then looked up at him shyly and said, "Leaves us more time to study? For…for tutoring?" Clare said as her cheeks flushed crimson, her girlish ways working their magic on a totally love-infused Eli at this point.

"Um…yeah…when do you want to start? We can…whatever you want, we'll follow your schedule," Eli replied.

"Tomorrow," Clare answered right away. "Afterschool?" she asked shyly.

"You got it, Edwards. I'll bring my notes," Eli replied confidently, making Clare bite her lip as she felt her whole body tingle.

"I guess I'll see you then?" she asked as she looked down at the ground for a second before raising her gaze to meet Eli's/

"Guess you will," Eli replied as he stared right at her, making her hands shake a little before she grabbed her purse and walked away. When she turned around, biting her lip and smiling at him, she saw Eli's smirk only get wider.


	6. I Can't Do Without You

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"How was it sweetheart?" Helen asked her daughter once Clare made her way into her house, a thoughtful look on her face. Helen was anxious to hear how Eli and Clare's first tutoring session had gone – apparently Clare had selected the Dot for its destination because she liked it there.

"It was so good," Clare said with a faint smile, "but…different," Clare then said as her face fell.

"What do you mean?" Helen asked with a frown. "What do you mean different?"

"It's just that…Eli and I used to study all the time together –"

"I know," Helen said with a smile, because she had always liked that Clare had found a boyfriend who was intelligent and someone who was on his way to having a very bright future.

"But he was so…focused on what we had to do, and I think he was a little nervous. He only talked to me about…the assignments, from the moment we left English class, to in the car, to at the Dot, and in the car on the way back. I tried to ask him how he was and he was he was great, just like, really categorically," Clare said, sounding to Helen a tad deflated.

"Well, did you get lots done?" Helen asked.

"Two out of five English assignments that I was missing – I didn't think it was possible to get them done that fast, but Eli already had the important quotes and stuff pulled out and he had all of these ideas, that it helped when it came to putting them together. And then he just looked at my math, because he's in grade 12 math obviously, but he said he redid trigonometry in math this year too, so he just said he'll look at his notes and we're starting that tomorrow," Clare said as she sat down next to her mom on the couch.

"He's okay at math?" Helen asked.

"Yeah, he got an A- last year, and I think he may not like it, but he's making his way through it knowing that he'll never have to do it again," Clare answered.

"You said he drove you?" Helen said with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, he had his dad's car. Um, before we left the school building he said we can walk or drive…if I didn't want to drive with him," Helen said quietly. "And he also said…his doctor cleared him for driving, but since he doesn't have a car usually he doesn't," Clare said, telling her mom everything – something that she had not done in a long time, and it was warming Helen's heart and making her feel so happy.

"And you drove. It was okay?' Helen asked.

"Yeah, Eli's a good driver, and I think his dad's Mustang is easier to drive than his old car. He just never has it, because it's technically his dad's car," Clare said sadly.

"He probably borrowed it today so he could drive you home," Helen said nonchalantly, remembering how when Clare was with Eli she had loved not having to worry about Clare being left to walk alone – Helen knew that Eli would always pick her up, even when they were just going to spend time at his house; he would always come pick her up, and Helen had absolutely loved that about him – it said the right thing, in Helen's mind, and indeed in reality.

"Well, Clare, it doesn't sound all that bad. I'm glad you got those assignments done, that's so amazing that you did them so fast. Tomorrow you start math, and then full speed to finals?" Helen asked and Clare nodded.

"Eli has his own finals? Provincial exams as well since it's his last year?" Helen then asked.

"Yes," Clare replied.

"And he's okay to study for his own exams with all the time he is spending helping you? Should we pay him or something?" Helen asked, a little confused.

"He said his finals are after mine, and for English we're in the same class, so he has to study for it too. I asked about paying him, because it is tutoring…and I don't think I've ever seen him look so hurt. And we've been through a _lot_," Clare said with wide eyes.

"Oh, sweetheart. It's okay. I think Eli…it sounded to me like he felt really guilty about everything, and I think it might be helping him that he gets to help you this way, you know. I think this is a good thing, Clare," Helen said patiently. "And…I bet he's just nervous, you know. About spending time one on one with you, so he just did all he could. He focused on the work. And…Clare, I think Eli thinks you don't like him, as a person," Helen delicately said.

"I still want to be friends!" Clare then exploded. "Mom, the way he helped me…as an ex-boyfriend, just like you said…it was so special. The way he is helping me now is so special…and I want us to be friends," Clare said as she folded her uniform skirt neatly.

When Helen quickly replied, "No, Clare. I don't think that's a good idea. I don't think that's a good idea at all," Clare's mouth flew open.

"But mom – you're the one always saying how beautiful and rare we were as a couple because we were best friends above everything else!" Clare protested.

"And I still think that, Clare – I always will. But it's precisely because of that – because what you and Eli had was so rare that I know you and him should not be friends. No, Clare, you can't. You and Eli were an example of that really rare type of couple who is best friends first – but it's all or nothing in that case. You can't be just friends – it's either a relationship and best friends or nothing else," Helen said in a determined tone.

"But why?" Clare asked, confused.

"Oh, Clare," Helen sighed. "Don't you get it? Don't you see? How could you and Eli be friends? What is he supposed to do, listen to you as you talk about other boys? Have you show off date outfits to him before and after dates? Because it's gonna happen, Clare – you dating, we both know it is. And he can't stand by for that, giggling with you over other boys. It'll kill him, and he already has so much to deal with, you know. He can't be that person, Clare – he's not a gay best friend. Don't put him through that. Sounds like he's already been through a lot with how public things with you and Jake were," Helen said, throwing a very unimpressed glare Clare's way.

"I-I…" Clare faltered. "I…I think I miss him. And I don't think I realized until today," Clare finally admitted outloud.

"Then it's nice you get to spend some time with him as he is helping you. You know, before he leaves for good," Helen said cleverly – Randall wasn't the only parent of Clare's who was well versed in argumentative strategies, and Helen always was fond of laying out concepts in the reverse attitude for Clare. Because she knew it was an effective technique with her.

"What?" Clare asked thoughtfully, just as Helen knew that she would.

"You know, for college. To head to that intense program he's been accepted to. His life will really change once he starts that, Clare. I remember college. It feels like lightyears away from high school – it did from the very first day," Helen said cleverly.

"What?" Clare repeated, pursing her lips thoughtfully. "How?" she added.

"Oh, you entire world changes – for the better. You are only studying what you like – that is the biggest change, and the most fun. It's such an amazing feeling. And the other change is the people around you. Everyone who is there wants to be there, not like high school. They want to be studying the thing they chosen – and I imagine nowhere else would be more true than in a first-year honors program. Eli's gonna meet all sorts of interesting people who love what he loves. He's going to love it. U of T is so beautiful too. Obviously, nowadays it looks really different than when I went there, but it's the best university in the country. What an exciting time in his life this must be," Helen said with a faint smile on her face.

"Other people? People who really like lit," Clare said, starting to look rather displeased.

"His whole life is about to change, and he doesn't even know it. Oh, it's so exciting, I bet," Helen pushed, loving how Clare was to…steer sometimes. "I loved doing my English major, you know. It was so funny, too," Helen said, ready to deal her final cards, "the U of T paper does this really funny survey of 'people in which major are the funniest' 'most clever' 'most good looking' – that one was always a funny one. Every year the results were the same – the cutest boys were from the Human Kinetics faculty – quite logically, of course, they were all professional athletes, and the 'cutest girls' were always from English Lit! Students voted and year after year, the results were the same; I imagine they still are, you know," Helen said with a smile.

"What?" Clare said, now raising her voice in surprise.

"Yeah – your old momma had her days," Helen said with a wink, knowing that that wasn't what had peaked Clare's emotions, but knowing this was the way to go in terms of replies.

"New people…college people…cutest girls are in English Lit?" Clare said confusedly to herself as she raised her hand to her temple.

"Yeah. What an exciting time it must be for Eli, Clare, going to college – it's such a great place. Well," Helen said as she playfully slapped Clare's knee, "I'm glad your assignments are coming together. Keep up the good work, sweetheart. Are you and Eli meeting at the Dot tomorrow again?" Helen asked.

"They are doing renovations actually," Clare replied, an adorable pink blush creeping on her cheeks before she added, "So Eli asked if he could take me to Little Miss Steaks afterschool and we could study there. He, um, made reservations. Can I go?" Clare asked, sounding much more eager than Helen had ever heard her, and looking up at her mom with large, blue, hope-filled eyes.

"Of course you can go, Clare. I don't need you to ask me for permission every time you will be studying with Eli over the next two weeks; but I'd like you to just tell me when and where you are, and if you'll be late. But I want you and Eli to take as much time as necessary – you have so much work to get caught up on, and it's obvious that your efficiency improves with his help. You need him, Clare," Helen said meaningfully, hoping that sentence would resonate in Clare's mind after she got up from the couch in order to start making dinner.

Helen would have been pleased to know that it did indeed, as did an image of Eli being the only boy in a large lecture hall filled with girls who all represented the 'cutest girls' category that apparently the English Lit majors always swept by in the campus survey.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Hey, Eli, take this okay?" Bullfrog said to his son after opening the door to Eli's room and sitting down on the bed beside his son; Eli was doing his homework, his books sprawled out all over the bed.

"Oh dad, you don't have to," Eli then replied, but after a bit more insistence from Bullfrog, Eli shyly slipped the $60 into his pocket.

"I know that you and Clare are studying at that restaurant tomorrow, your mom told me. You need to buy her a meal if you're gonna take her there. Son…but it's tutoring…not a dat-" Bullfrog said, but Eli exhaled deeply and cut his dad off immediately.

"I know that! Okay! I know! I know that the only reason she's spending time with me is so she can raise her marks, all right? I know! I don't need you, mom, AND ADAM all reminding me every second. I know I screwed up before – I got confused with…dates, but it's not like that anymore, all right? I know!" Eli said with passion, and Bullfrog said that his eyes were a little red.

"Sorry, kiddo. I'm just trying to look out for you - that's all. The paying thing – she's a girl, Eli, it would be a jerk move to make her pay for her own meal. I've raised you better than that; so pay for the both of you, there's more than enough there, but don't get confused as to what you're doing," Bullfrog cautioned again.

"Tutoring," Eli said with an exhale.

"Boy, how many more sessions you have?" Bullfrog asked with a sigh, because he worried for Eli each and every single minute that he was with Clare.

The way Eli felt was written all over his face whenever anyone mentioned Clare – that much was obvious to…everyone, really. Both of his parents, Clare's mom, Jake, and even Glen had picked up on it when Eli had been at their house. It was obvious to Mrs. Dawes, to Ms. Oh who taught Eli computer science, to Coach Armstrong who had been at play night, to Mr. Simpson who had put two and two together and finally realized that the broken window was courtesy of Clare, to Adam – who had known all along-, to Fiona, and to Imogen, who did so much worrying for Eli in general that Eli didn't even tell her and Fiona about the whole tutoring deal – he knew Imogen would worry for him and tell him things about Clare that…that Eli knew were all too true. That she…didn't care about him, and that she never would.

Eli hated it when people said that out loud; hearing it in his own mind over and over again, especially at night in nightmares was enough, and he wished everyone could just forget about what him and Clare had had just as easily as Clare had forgotten.

Eli wasn't stupid. He knew what it had taken for her to forgot, and his name had four letters.

Just like the other four-letter name, and whenever he woke up in the early hours of the morning, Eli knew that…deep down inside…he could imagine her leaving him…for either of them. She could have easily left him for Fitz, and he knew it. And had she met Jake earlier…when they were together…Eli wasn't so sure that Clare would have stayed with him. Deep down inside, Eli knew that…had Clare met Jake whenever and wherever…she would have chosen him. It didn't matter that Clare and Jake were now broken up…Eli simply thought that…had Jake appeared at any time in Clare's life…she would have chosen him.

"You can have the car again tomorrow, kiddo, okay?" Bullfrog said warmly, wanting to cheer Eli up a little bit.

"Thanks, dad," Eli said with a small smirk.

"Boy, with your record – the computer and the camera, I must be a damn fool – but you flash me that smile and I can't resist. Never could have, ever since you were a tiny little brat, damn it. Don't tell anyone, it would ruin my rep," Bullfrog said with a laugh as he squeezed Eli's shoulder affectionately.

"I'll be careful dad, I promise," Eli replied.

"You're spending time with Clare, you gotta have a way of getting her home safe. Not really a choice. Just the way it's gotta be, which is why you get my car," Bullfrog said.

"Thanks dad," Eli said with nothing but gratefulness in his eyes.

"You're a good kid, Eli, you know that? Sometimes I don't think I say it enough," Bullfrog said in a raspy voice. "Eli…your mom told me what you said to her the other day. How you wish that her and I would have had another kid…so we could have one that we could be happy with," Bullfrog said, the words all but ripping his heart out.

Eli didn't say anything in reply, and Bullfrog knew what that meant.

"Eli…when your mom and I had you…you weren't exactly planned. You know the doctors told your mom that she couldn't have kids," Bullfrog said.

"Oh God, gross – please, can we stay away from this topic? This is all stuff that I SO don't need to know," Eli said as he hid his face in his pillow, making his voice all muffled.

"Eli – that day, the day we found out – was and will always be the happiest day of my life. I don't want another kid – I don't want a million other kids…because nothing would be better than you. Eli, look at me. Look at me," Bullfrog said, and Eli surfaced from the pillow. "You're perfect. I wouldn't trade you for a million 'normal' kids, whatever 'normal' means. You're a weird one, kiddo – but I wouldn't have it any other way," Bullfrog said as he looked Eli right in the eyes.

"Hey, Eli –" Bullfrog then said slowly, "I'm proud of you. That's the other thing I don't say as much as I should. I'm proud of you, kid," Bullfrog said one more time before walking to Eli's door.

Just a few minutes later, Eli heard his door open again as his mom and dad both made their way into their son's room, and Cece's entire face was flushed red as she was waving two huge envelopes around.

"Baby boy, you have some mail! In big envelopes! Did you apply to any other schools other than UBC and U of T?" Cece asked, knowing that Eli had already been admitted to both of those excellent schools, but as one his favourite contemporary writers taught at U of T and how he didn't really want to go all the way to the West Coast despite the fact that his therapist had told him she had confidence he easily could, Eli had opted for the school that he had always dreamed of attending: U of T.

"No, I didn't. What the hell?" Eli said softly as he grabbed the envelopes from Cece's outstretched hands and he first opened the blue one with a lot of postage on it.

"No way," Eli said in a whisper. "No way! No freaking way!" he then said loudly.

"What it is punk, you're killing me over here," Bullfrog said.

"I…um…I won a Canada Centennial Scholarship," Eli gasped.

"What the hell is that?" Bullfrog asked with a look of confusion on his face.

"It's this huge scholarship, I only applied because my English teacher pushed me into it…I never thought I'd win. It's $4000," Eli said.

"Wow," Bullfrog said with a low whistle. "Should cover most of your tuition," Cece added.

"I can't believe this," Eli said awestruck. "I'm not…I'm not the scholarship type, all like, involved and stuff," he remarked. "But this one is more for grades I think," Eli then added.

"I'm so proud of you, baby boy. Such wonderful news," Cece said as she gave Eli a tight hug. "Your dad and I haven't been total slacker parents, you know. We have a college fund for you, but this is so wonderful, Eli," she added.

"It's so cool," Eli said with a smirk. "Mom?" he then asked softly. "It makes me feel like…things can be okay again. I just…I just want to feel okay again," Eli said in a small voice, which caused Cece to give him another, even tighter hug.

"They'll be even better than okay, baby boy. This is so amazing – I'm so proud. My boy is a scholarship winner, and you're in such a tough academic program. I couldn't be a prouder mom, Eli," Cece said, and Eli's heart skipped a beat when he realized that Cece was getting teary, which caused Bullfrog to wrap his arm around her and pull her in for a tight hug.

"Good going, you little punk. Now open the other one, maybe you'll get another one! It's like the lottery, I love it," Bullfrog said eagerly.

"No way, dad. It's probably just like, paperwork or something, just put in a different envelope," Eli said with a shrug as he tore the envelope open.

"It's got a stamp on the envelope that's so cool. Who's that handsome man in the military uniform Eli?" Cece asked as Bullfrog rolled his eyes at his wife.

"Hmm," Eli said as he raised his eyebrows, "Weird. That's Ernest Hemingway, you know him, mom. Best American novelist for sure, I love him," Eli said, and he then gasped in realization, and his shaky hands caused the envelope to fall from his hands.

"What? What?" Cece asked. "What is it, Eli?" she asked.

"Oh my God," Eli said. "It can't be…there's this prize, this thing the Canadian and the American governments do together – it's called the Hemingway award, given to a kid for writing in the style of Hemingway," Eli said with a shaky voice.

"Help us out here, boy, what style is that?' Bullfrog asked.

"Short, clear, to the point – really clean prose, and mostly about like being brave, honor, and masculinity, just cool stuff like that. Every year the Hemingway institute down in the States chooses one American and one Canadian kid to receive the award, but it can't be me. It just can't," Eli said.

"Why the hell not can't it be you?" Bullfrog asked with a laugh.

"Because the chances of it are tiny," Eli said.

Cece then picked up the envelope's contents off the floor and slowly began reading, "Dear Mr. Goldsworthy: The Hemingway institute is pleased to announce that we have selected you as the Canadian winner for the PEM Hemingway Youth Award. You join finalist Miss Arizona Calloway who is our United States winner in the category; together, your story 'God Gave Me You' and her story 'Dancing Away With My Heart' represent this year's winning selections. Please fill out the attached paperwork if you wish to accept the award and read the enclosed information about the upcoming summer trip to Spain that Dr. Marcus Davy of the University of Toronto is organizing. A two-week research expedition that begins in Hemingway's beloved Pamplona, Spain, the trip follows the path of Hemingway through the country as he was writing 'The Sun Also Rises'. As finalists, you and Miss Calloway are invited to join Dr. Davy's Masters and PhD students and assist with research as part of the U of T cluster. It is only fitting that Miss Calloway has also selected U of T as her destination for post-secondary education, allowing us to extend this invitation to you both".

"Sure sounds to me like you got it, boy," Bullfrog said as he patted Eli's shoulder. "You and this Arizona girl in this picture. She's mighty pretty, Eli," Bullfrog said as he took in a young girl's long blonde hair and green eyes.

"I can't believe it," Eli said as he sat down on this bed. "Dad…mom…this scholarship is $4000…for 4 years. It's renewable as long as my grades stay up and I stay in a Literature or Creative Writing program," Eli said.

"Wow…you mean that practically almost all of your education is already paid for?' Cece asked in disbelief.

"As long as I keep my act up, yeah," Eli said, amazed himself.

"I'm so proud of you, Eli," Cece said softly as she ran her hand through his hair. She then kissed his forehead and said, "You're my perfect baby boy," with a bright smile.

"Dad…seeing how I'm going to have some extra money this year…it won't be $8000 for everything…and seeing how the Centennial foundation just sent me a plain cheque…I'd like to pay you back in full for Imogen's camera that you replaced for me. And for the window last week, okay? Please, dad. I really want to," Eli said.

"Eli…son…I'm not going to take your money," Bullfrog said, finality in his voice.

"But I really want to! I need you to, please dad," Eli insisted.

"You listen to me, Eli. You just keep that money in an account so you have it. There will be textbooks and all sorts of things you will get. If you want to pay me back for that stream of property damage, then…the best way to do that is that by promising me that there will be no more property damage, Eli. I don't care about the money, son. All I care about is for you to get better. That's what would make me happiest, and I'd do anything for you not to put yourself in any type of danger again," Bullfrog said as he felt his wife squeeze his hand.

"I promise, dad," Eli replied at once, conviction in his voice.

"I'd…" he then said shyly, "I'd like to take you and mom to dinner though. Please? My treat. And I need to get a few presents. Mrs. Dawes must have nominated me for the PEM Hemingway award, because that's the only way to be considered for one – through nomination. And I need to get a present for my friends – for Fiona, and Imogen, and Adam. And for…um, someone else too. Because without them, I never would have given 'God Gave Me You', Eli said.

"Yeah – hold the phone –" Bullfrog then said, "You wrote a story 'God Gave Me You'? What the hell – you secretly became all devout all of a sudden, Eli?" Bullfrog asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No way," Eli said with a laugh that his dad mirrored, "It's not about me. I wrote about a boy and a girl, because I still needed to stay within a topic that I knew a little about. Just two people who loved each other equally," Eli said with a shrug.

"And who are they based on?" Bullfrog asked suspiciously, knowing Eli's tendency to…write what he would like to happen in real life.

Bullfrog and Cece then watched as Eli slowly pulled out a story from his desk drawer, and they recognized its title right away.

"I wrote about you, dad. About you…and mom. I wrote…your story, like I imagine it anyway," Eli said slowly. "I just thought…I needed a love story. A REAL love story. So I wrote about the best love that I know," Eli said with a shrug.

Eli's parents both read the story right away, and he watched as they read and both did something that Eli had not seen them do too many times in his life at all.

They cried. It took Cece a long time to wipe off her mascara and get ready for the dinner that Eli took his parents out to that night.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"UGHHHHH!" Clare groaned loudly as she kicked the door of her closet in frustration.

"Jesus, you look like a beast," Jake said with a laugh as he took in her wild hair, blush-stained cheeks and uneven make-up as he walked by her room.

"SHUT UP JAKE! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Clare yelled, slamming her door shut.

"What is going on here?" Helen said, opening Clare's door and seeing her steam in frustration. "Clare, sweetheart, what's wrong? What's all this noise?" Helen asked.

"I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING TO WEAR!" Clare said in frustration, and when Helen took in her make-up stained face and her stubborn fierceness, she couldn't help but giggle. She was…so worked up, and Helen found it all rather adorable.

"Sweetheart, it's just tutoring. Why would you care what you wear? Last time you didn't do this," Helen strategically said with feigned nonchalance.

"LAST TIME WE WENT THERE RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL! I WAS WEARING MY UNIFORM! NOW IT'S NIGHT!" Clare said in frustration.

"I WANT TO LOOK PRETTY!" she then screamed, her chest heaving from all the stress.

When Helen only giggled more, it only infuriated Clare more.

"ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?" Clare said in frustration, and Helen only giggled more.

"Of course, sweetheart. Let's start with washing off that mess on your face. Come on, I'll do your make-up. I'll give you smoky eyes, you have gorgeous eyes and it'll highlight them beautifully. I'll show you how to do them properly, not even your friend Alli knows," Helen said mischievously, purposefully leaving out the part that she would be doing smoky eyes because she knew that Clare's eyes were Eli's favourite feature of hers and that Eli was the type to probably like smoky eyes on a girl, of course.

Fifteen minutes later, a dressed and made-up Clare was much more calm and put together with her mom's help.

"Thanks, mom. I feel pretty," Clare said, as she felt Helen spritz some of her special flowery perfume, expensive, the linked 'C's shining on the pretty golden bottle.

"That was quite the spectacle you put on, Clare, in getting ready. You're not a little girl anymore, just come to me if you need help, no reason to make such a scene," Helen said thoughtfully.

"Sorry," Clare said, wildly embarrassed.

"Don't worry about it, love. I do love those black skinny jeans on you. Look so flattering. Love them with this stripy black shirt too. You look so elegant, a little bit older, too. So classy. Put on your new cashmere sweater that we got when we went to Niagara Falls, it's a bit chilly outside, and the hot pink will contrast well with all the black," Helen said, and when Clare put it on, she gave her a big smile.

"Oh, breathtaking. You look so pretty," Helen praised her.

Twenty minutes later, as Eli was holding the door to Little Miss Steaks open for Clare, his breath was indeed rather gone, and as they sat down at a booth by the window – it had to be there, Eli had specified when making the reservation, he tried – he really did, but a

"You look so pretty," burst out of him before he could help it. He expected Clare to be annoyed or pissed off – or both – but when all she did was let out a tiny exhale and Eli watched her cheeks flush a deep crimson at once, all he could do was smirk at her in triumph.

"Thank you," she said softly with a light tussle of her golden-brown curls, and it took all of Eli's powers of concentration not to capture those pink shiny lips in a kiss that showed her how she really should be kissed – gently but with so much passion and emotion that it would send her head spinning.

"Um, let's get started," Eli said after they ordered some coffees, and Eli felt his disappointment when Clare said she just wanted coffee as they sat and worked.

He knew this wasn't a date, but…she wouldn't even let him buy her a meal? He had money – his own money, now too – to pay for a meal for her…and they were seriously just going to sit here in the restaurant and have coffee? Not even a piece of pie or cheesecake? It bummed Eli out…a lot, and he found it hard to have his mind on the work.

"Last English assignment," Clare said in a whiny voice. "I want to write on 'Anne of Green Gables'," Clare said. "Did you write on this one?" she asked Eli impatiently.

"Nah, a bit too girly for my taste," Eli replied.

"I want to – and I was kind of thinking how I could argue that it's not a feminist text. What do you think? Think I can make that work?" Clare asked, and she saw Eli be a bit confused.

"Um, but it kind of is," he said, trying not to sound too aggressive.

"No – see, everyone sees it as one, but it's not. She gets married and has kids, and she wanted to be a writer. This is why – this is why when Gilbert is all 'let's get married, Anne, right this second,' she rejects him," Clare said excitedly, seeing that her argument might be coming together.

"Ugh, that was such an awful moment in the text, how it said his face was all white. That's not why she rejects him though, Clare. And…um…did you read the end? She does it all in the end, she's a writer, a wife, and a mom," Eli specified.

"Oh…oops, I didn't exactly finish the book – I didn't have time. But maybe I can just explain the motivations behind why she rejects his marriage proposal," Clare said excitedly.

Eli didn't really like the topic that she had chosen. The moment in which the hero of the book, Anne, rejected Gilbert was a painful one for Eli, and he thought Anne was a stupid girl for having rejected the boy that obviously loved her and only wanted to take care of her. However, he decided he needed to be gentle with Clare, but he really thought that she wasn't understanding the book well, and he knew that Clare would get a bad mark if she chose to insist with her poor judgement of the book.

"Um, why do you think she rejects it?" he asked, wanting to see the structure that Clare intended to give her paper.

"Because he's a little crazy to ask her, you gotta admit," Clare said passionately, and Eli flinched at the word.

"How is he crazy?" Eli asked softly.

"They are like 21," Clare said.

"Times were different then, Clare, don't forget. This book was written like a hundred years ago. People only lived to like fifty, sixty, and they got married super young," Eli replied.

"Well, he's still dumb to ask her. It's a commitment she's not ready for – she wants to do other stuff," Clare replied.

"Right – but what I think happened was a miscommunication more than anything. He was never asking her for marriage when he saw she freaked a little – all he wanted was for them to keep being friends just like they always were. He just…he just loved her, and he thought she felt the same. But she was scared, scared of love, and she had these school girl fantasies of the romantic hero – just like her mom told her," Eli said. "I think he was ready, she wasn't, but I mean, in the end it doesn't really matter because they end up married anyway. It just takes him getting scarlet fever for her to realize that she loves him and would be devastated if she lost him," Eli said.

He expected Clare to blow up at him in response.

He never expected her to say…

"You're right," in her beautiful, soft, kind, and patient voice…Eli hadn't heard that tone in a long time.

"So maybe…maybe a good topic for your paper could then be how true love waits. How it is never selfish, or never delights in other people's pain. How, when taken proper care of, it leads to happiness, like it does at the end of the book," Eli said.

"That's beautiful," Clare said softly as she locked her gaze with Eli's. However, as it drifted for a second, looking just to the left, she dropped her jaw in the shock at the sight of…Jake and Jenna, giggling away in a booth as they reached over the table for sloppy kisses as they shared chicken wings.

"Unbelievable," Clare gasped, and Eli turned around and Clare saw his entire face fall when he saw what she was looking at.

"We can go somewhere else if you want to," Eli gently said.

"No, I really don't care about him and Jenna anymore, Eli, I don't. It's just that…he's buying her a meal. He couldn't even do that simple thing with me, you know. He couldn't even take me out for a damn meal," Clare said as Eli saw her chest shaking a little.

"But…but I saw you here with him…when I first saw you, you know, like…um with him, _with him_," Eli remarked.

"Only time he ever took me out for a meal – and we can thank Imogen for paying for it," Clare said in anger.

"Huh?" Eli asked, incredibly confused now.

"She gave me a gift certificate, and that's the only reason he even came out with me. For a free meal," Clare said painfully.

"Wow. Point for Imogen," Eli said with a smirk. "Damn," he then added.

"How can you joke about that? She's a conniving little monster," Clare said in anger.

"Clare….she's just really different, you don't know her like I do," Eli gently said. "She's just misguided, but she means well most of the time, she really does," Eli said.

"I can't believe you're defending her!" Clare replied, infuriated.

"I'm not defending anyone, I just hate to see you so upset about Jake again," Eli replied.

"I'm not," Clare said, taking a deep breath to calm herself down. "I'm okay," she replied, "But how messed up is that, Eli? He couldn't even pay for a date with me! I was just a joke to him! Turns out I am a joke!" Clare said painfully, and Eli could see that she was at the point of tears, so he reached across the table and gently held her hand.

"Clare…I'm not trying to hit on you, I know how you feel,…but…will you please let me buy you dinner? Please, Clare, come on, it's just a meal," Eli said, looking up at her with green eyes full of hope.

When Clare smiled a shiny lipglossy smile at him, Eli wanted to reach across the table and take her into his arms and just kiss her. It was happening again – whenever he was around her, all he could think about was kissing her, and he knew he was a goner.

"I'd love that," Clare said with a giggle. "I'd love to have dinner with you, Eli," she said with a blushing smile and even more giggles when she heard Eli say,

"Great. I'm starving. And….just one more thing, okay?" he asked, and as Clare raised an eyebrow Eli pulled a rectangular box out of his backpack. It was wrapped in pink gift wrap and it had a green ribbon on top.

"Clare…there's something I've been meaning to say to you for a long time now, but it was just so hard for me," Eli said with a deep exhale, and Clare felt her heart pounding in her chest.

_Oh God. He's gonna say it….good. It'll be a lot easier for me to say I want to too if he says it first. I didn't think he would, I thought he was way too wounded to say it…but here we go…he's doing it! He's gonna say he also wants to give things another sho-_

"I'm sorry," Eli said as he looked Clare right in the eyes. "I'm sorry, Clare. I'm so sorry for everything I put you through. I never would have if I had been able to think straight. I know that an apology might not mean much to you right now, but…I'm so sorry, Clare. You have no idea how sorry I am. I got..got you something, not to make up for things, because not in a lifetime could I make up for the wrong that I did you. But just…I got one of these for myself and it was so cool that…the only person that I wanted to share it with was you, so I wanted to get you one too, just so you could see how cool they are. I'm really sorry, Clare, and I hope one day you will forgive me. And I mean… really forgive me. But…open it, okay? Open it," Eli softly said, and Clare eagerly did so.

'A Kindle!" she said excitedly. "Oh my God, Eli, I've wanted one for so long!" she said as she smiled brightly.

"I don't mean it to replace books, because there's nothing like holding a real book in your hand, but it convenient from many viewpoints. It's so light, and you can take it with you on car rides, and on air plane rides, and it's so much easier to read in bed – that pink case I got you had a built-in light so it's so nice to read at night, and there's tons of public domain books that you can get for free – anything older than 75 years is free. It's just a neat little toy," Eli said with a shrug. "You like it?" he asked.

"I love it!" Clare said as she clapped her hands excitedly. "Eli..thank you," she said emotionally. "Not just for this amazing present. But for dinner…for dessert…for everything. For the tutoring…we're all done with English now practically…just, thank you, all right? I just…I had the best day with you today, you know," Clare said softly, and when she got out of her side of the booth and walked to Eli's side and leaned in and placed the gentlest of kisses on his cheek, Eli felt as if his entire body turned to water when he felt her soft, glossy lips collide with his cheek. It didn't help that she placed her hand on the back of his head and played with his hair for a minute as she was kissing his cheek – he wanted so badly to place his hands on her waist and give her a real kiss – but her gesture meant the world to Eli. He checked the restaurant for Jake and Jenna, worried that Clare might only be putting on a show for Jake, but Eli saw that they were long gone, so he just allowed himself to get totally lost in her flowery perfume and soft lips for a minute, closing his eyes at the feel of Clare so close to him.

"Thank you," she repeated softly in his ear before pulling away, and she giggled when she saw that Eli's face was the reddest she had ever seen it the entire time that he drove her home – pretty much the color of a crab.

That night, Helen shook her head playfully at her daughter, who spend the entire night reading the English text she was writing her last piece on from her new Kindle – declaring proudly that Eli had put all of her required readings on here for her. It warmed Helen's heart to see Clare so excited about something academic, and Helen was no fool.

She knew what was starting to happen.

Clare was finally starting to feel okay again.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"No, just remember that cosine means we need the side that is adjacent and the hypotenuse, so use it's inverse to get the measure of that angle," Eli said as he pointed to the appropriate one in Clare's workbook, the soft light of his kitchen table lamp flooding over all of their work.

It was their fifth night of math, two away from the final, and Clare was still in rough shape. So Eli, in his determination, had practiced with her from right afterschool until almost ten o'clock every night – Bullfrog driving Clare home every night, with Eli also riding along. Clare had requested to work at Eli's house because it was bit more quiet than hers these days, and even if she had been deathly afraid of the reception she would get from Eli's parents, Cece and Bullfrog hadn't surfaced much, and Bullfrog had always been really polite with her on the car rides back.

"Oh, right, like this?" Clare said as she punched some numbers into her calculator. "The angle is 59 degrees?" she asked questioningly.

"Look at the diagram? Does that look about right?" Eli asked.

"Yes," Clare said eagerly.

"Perfect. You got it," Eli said with a huge smirk, and Clare got lost in it for a second before Cece came running into the kitchen, giggling loudly and saying, "I don't want to listen to your new mix, leave me alone!" as Bullfrog was chasing her with a pair of headphones, finally capturing her and he lifted her up into his arms and pressed a kiss to her temple.

When Eli rolled his eyes and said, "Oh my God, can't you see we're working in here? Come on mom! Dad!" Clare only giggled louder at his annoyance, as did Bullfrog and Cece.

The sight of Eli's parents acting the way they always did…it just warmed Clare's heart, though, and the way that Bullfrog was holding his wife and intertwining his fingers with hers reminded Clare so much of the way Eli had always done that to her. When Bullfrog held Cece even more protectively, Clare perhaps wondered if…maybe that was where Eli had gotten his protective ways from. Something told her it was.

"Sorry," Cece said with a giggle. "How's it coming, kids? Getting some good studying done? Let me make you some brain smoothies, okay?' she said warmly, and Eli accepted that as a peace offering.

Just a few minutes later, as Clare was taking a sip of her strawberry-banana smoothie, she said, "Yum. It's so good," and she immediately felt Cece hug her gently as she was sitting down in her chair; Cece just wrapped her arms around her from behind.

"Oh baby girl, it's nice to have you around again. You're always welcome in our house, don't you forget it," Cece said kindly, and her and Bullfrog then quickly left.

Eli saw Clare's facial expression change to one of thoughtfulness as she was being embraced by Cece, and when Clare told him she was just going to go to the washroom but didn't come back for a few minutes, Eli hoped she wouldn't find it too intrusive that he knocked on the door.

When he heard soft whimpering from the other side, he said, "Clare, I'm coming in," and after a few minutes, he did so, only to find a teary Clare sitting on the edge of the bathtub, her shoulders slightly shaking.

"Woah, woah – are a few unsolved math problems really such a sad thing?" Eli asked, trying to joke with Clare, but when she only released a sob, he only grew more worried.

"Clare, sweetheart, you're killing me. What's wrong?" Eli said as he kneeled in front of her and gently placed his fingers on her chin so he could get her to look at him. When he saw just how teary she was, and that her nose was runny, he reached for a tissue and gently cleaned the face of the girl that he loved.

"Clare…is it your mom? Jake? Your family? What's going on, please tell me," he said, pleading with her as he gently placed his hands on top of her knees.

"No, no, it's not them," Clare said between tears and soft sobs. "It's just that….Eli…I don't deserve this, I don't deserve any of this," Clare said as she shook her curls from side to side. "Eli….it only hit me when…your mom hugged me. Eli…when your mom hugged me…it's just that…._she really hugged me_, you know? I love…I love everything about this house, you know. It was…my sanctuary, you know. In our good days…and I love everything about it," Clare said tearfully.

"Oh, hey, hey, it's okay, Clare. It's okay. Shh. Shh," Eli said reassuringly as he gently rubbed Clare's knee. "It's okay. Oh, you poor, sweet girl – you worry so much, Clare. My mom loves you. My dad too. Don't worry about them. And this house, Clare, this house will always be your sanctuary. You will always have a safe place here, okay, Clare? As long as I live, you will always have a safe place here," Eli said, emotion filling his own voice.

"I don't deserve any of this!" Clare said, releasing a powerful sob. "I don't deserve to have you be so nice to me, to have your parents be so nice to me, to have you tutoring me…none of it! You have let me fall on my butt, Eli, you should have abandoned me! Because that's what I did to you!" Clare said, heaving a little dangerously now.

"Look at me. You look at me, Clare," Eli insisted, and Clare did so. "Clare, the top two things that I have loved about you were how strong and how fearless you are. That night, at the hospital, all you did was show those top things again. I'm sorry I was so messed up that I asked you to stay, but…leaving me was the right thing to do. I realized that – first thing I realized when I got better, Clare – was that it was the right thing to do. I don't blame you," Eli said, and Clare saw the honesty in his eyes. "That night, you were just being the girl that I knew. Clare…I needed doctors, medicine…it was wrong of me to lean on you," Eli admitted.

"Eli, forget about our relationship for a bit. You and I were best friends, and it's like my mom said! I should have just stayed and held your hand," Clare whined.

"Your mom said that?" Eli asked in shock.

"Yes! That night – I should have done nothing but hold your hand! Everything else we could have figured out later! That night, my only job should have been to hold your hand!" Clare said painfully.

"No, Clare, no. It was not your job to fix me. I'm better now, anyway. I sometimes wonder why things happened the way they did – and I recognize a lot of it was due to my mistakes – Fitz, all that stuff. It was rough year, but the truth is that I've come out stronger, and I'm okay with the way everything went," Eli said honestly.

"But I'm not! I don't deserve you to be so nice with me, Eli! Why are you so nice to me, Eli? Why?" Clare asked as she lunged forward right into his arms.

Eli settled her into his hug for just a minute before lifting her up off of the cold tile floor and hugging her tightly, he quickly calmed down her tears and wiped her face again.

"Shh. Math problems await. All you gotta know is that no one in my family – myself included – agrees with the silyness you are thinking. So stop thinking it, Clare. In this house, you are loved. Nothing else, okay? Come on, all is quiet in this home again, none that my parents headed upstairs and stopped acting like kids. In this house, you're loved. That's it, Clare, plain and simple," Eli said, telling her the perfect words that she needed to hear.

"Loved," he said softly to her before separating their bodies out of the hug, and he guided Clare back to the unsolved math problems that awaited them.

And Clare and Eli spent the rest of the night merely…working through the problems one by one, until it was time for him to drive Clare home. Eli noticed that on the drive home, Clare lifted the partition between the two front seats of the Mustang, and she scooted closer to him as she rested her head on the shoulder. And Clare did some noticing of her own. She noticed Eli drove a bit slower than usual after she placed her head on his shoulder, and…she wasn't sure, but he sure seemed to catch a lot of red lights on the usual ten-minute drive, making it all take fifteen or so minutes in the end.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Is the answer 18.7 cm?" Clare asked eagerly as this time, her and Eli were sitting at her kitchen table, and Helen Edwards was channeling her inner Imogen Moreno and watching Eli and Clare from the living room.

"Uh oh, it's not," Eli said with a frown.

"What?" Clare asked in a panic.

"Let me see," Eli said as he studied her notebook. "Oh," he said after a minute, "I see – remember cosine is adjacent and opposite that you're working with," he repeated.

"Oh my God, I can't believe I still messed that one up," Clare gasped.

"It's okay, just do it again," Eli said and he watched Clare work her way through the problem patiently.

"Okay, is the answer 16.4cm?" she asked after a few minutes.

"Yes! Perfect!" Eli said, and Helen smiled as he and Clare exchanged a high-five, not knowing that Eli was longing for a kiss instead.

She stayed downstairs a little while longer, under the pretext of reading, and she smiled when she saw Eli leather-jacket clad arm rest on the other side of Clare as they stopped for a juice break; Helen noticed that Clare was the first to place her head on his shoulder, and he readjusted his arm around her, and Helen found that…although she DID NOT like such gestures involving her daughter…it was…so…so sweet. When she remembered what Clare had almost done with Jake, as well, she only liked this more – she knew that not only would Eli be much more understanding of what Clare's vow ACTUALLY meant, and what it meant to her, but she also knew that Eli could read Clare a lot better than Jake would ever be capable of, and he would get to the right conclusion. And that would be…that Clare would not be ready for sex until marriage; and something told Helen that Eli actually already understood this. Helen knew that Eli would rather wait and give Clare everything she wanted, just the way that she wanted it, rather than take a risk and have her leave when it all proves too intense. She knew that out of any boy in the world, Eli would realize what Clare herself didn't yet. That the best thing to do by her, the best thing to do by this sweet, young girl was to give her everything in the best way possible.

"You tired? I can go home," Helen then heard Eli gently say.

"No, we have to finish Chapter 11 tonight, the test is so soon," Clare replied. "Eli?" she then softly asked, "Are YOU tired? I've taken up so much of your time and effort," Clare said shyly. "You are so tired, because of me," she whispered in horror.

"No, Clare, I'm good. Come on, let's get cracking on 11," he said encouragingly.

Helen then entered the kitchen and gently said, "Hey kids, I'm heading upstairs, okay? Clare, please come get me when Eli is going so I can drive him," she said.

"Mrs. Edwards, you so don't need to do that. It's a fifteen minute walk, I'll be fine," Eli protested at once.

"Absolutely not, Eli – you have to cross Yonge Street to get to your house, and the last two nights the police have been called there – gunshots, Eli, gunshots! No, thank you, not with this gang spree we have right now. You come get me, Clare, and I'll drive you, Eli," Helen said decisively. "Good luck. Thank you, Eli," Helen then added meaningfully, because she knew that without Eli, Clare would have been in some serious trouble.

When the clock turned to 1am and Eli and Clare could barely keep their eyes open anymore, they finally called it quits for the night and Eli put his shoes and jacket on.

"Let me go get my mom," Clare said sleepily, yawning later.

"Hell no – it's one am, Clare, she's sleeping," Eli said.

"Eli, you can't walk home, you heard about that stuff on Yonge street, you hear my mom," Clare protested.

"Clare, you are not waking up your sleeping mother to babysit my butt home. I'm not a kid. I'll be fine, I'll be home in like five minutes," Eli said as he opened the door.

"I'll wake up Jake! He can drive you!" Clare then said.

"Clare…" Eli exhaled heavily, leaning his tired head on the door for a second. "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I never want to ride in Jake's truck again," Eli said, and Clare flinched with shame as she remembered all the flirting and kissing that she had done with Jake on the trip back from the cabin. They had kissed at every red light, and she knew better than do to that – she knew that each kiss she shared with kiss was like a dagger straight through Eli's heart, but she simply could not contain herself – she was so happy that she had gotten Jake back! He was finally all hers again, she thought…having no idea how wrong she was in everything that she had assumed about Jake.

"I-I " Clare faltered.

"I'm gonna go, okay?" Eli said, and Clare just gave him a sad wave good-bye and sleepily headed to her own room, not even picking up her books from the kitchen due to extreme exhaustion.

She barely had the energy to get changed into her pyjamas for bed, and it was as if the next she felt was her mom shaking her awake saying,

"Clare, Clare, sweetheart, it's time for school, get up," and Clare shot up at once.

When Helen looked at her in worry and asked, "How did Eli get home last night, Clare?" Clare felt a sinking feeling in her heart.

"He walked," she said quietly.

"No, Clare, you're not serious! I TOLD YOU not to have him walk! Clare, that boy has to cross Yonge Street to get to his house- there's been crime there every night. What time did he leave, please tell me he left early," Helen said, starting to get a little scared.

"It was…one am," Clare said, feeling her whole body shake.

Helen gasped. "Clare, call his phone. Right now," Helen instructed.

"He's not answering," Clare whispered, her entire face turning white. "You don't think something-" she then began to say.

"Oh, no, I don't sweetheart," Helen lied. "Okay, don't worry about it, you'll see him at school. Come on down for breakfast," Helen said, and Clare changed faster than ever before.

"JAKE!" she then yelled as she ran down the stairs, and she saw Jake make a face at her right away.

"Can you please hold the screaming until after at least 8am? Jesus, Clare, my ear drums are gonna burst living in this house with you," Jake sarcastically said.

"GET YOUR TRUCK GOING! WE HAVE TO GO! NOW!" Clare said, shouting even more.

"Dear God, stop screaming!" Jake said in frustration. "Sit down and calm yourself, Clare. I haven't even had breakfast yet," Jake said, running his still sleepy eyes.

"I don't care about your breakfast! We have to go Jake, we have to go now," Clare insisted.

"I'm not going anywhere without breakfast – your mom's making pancakes and sausages, I really want some," Jake said.

"FOR ME! DO IT FOR ME! FORGET YOUR DAMN BREAKFAST FOR ONCE!" Helen said, resorting back to screaming.

"The more yelling, the longer I'll take," Jake said with a sarcastic grin on his face that made Clare want to slap him silly.

"I'll tell Jenna you have an STD," Clare then shot, making both Helen and Glen turn around with eyes wide open.

"Clare, sit down and calm yourself, stop saying nonsense," Clare heard Helen say, and seeing how everyone was so against her and talking was only taking more time, Clare just did so, shooting Jake death glares as she was convinced that he was purposefully taking longer than usual, just to annoy her.

XXXXXXXX

When they finally got to school, Clare couldn't shake the heavy feeling away from her body. She felt as if her entire being was made out of lead.

"Have you seen Eli?" she asked as she ran up to Adam at his locker, out of breath.

"I'm great, thanks for asking," Adam replied sarcastically.

"Just tell me!" Clare screamed.

"Ouch, my eardrum! This will never end, will it?" Adam asked with a roll of his eyes.

"Adam, please," Clare begged.

"I haven't seen him, I don't think he's here yet, kind of weird, he's usually pretty early," Adam said, and Clare felt her stomach sink.

_kind of weird, he's usually pretty early_

_kind of weird, he's usually pretty early_

_kind of weird, he's usually pretty early_

_kind of weird, he's usually pretty early_

_kind of weird, he's usually pretty early_

_kind of weird, he's usually pretty early_

_kind of weird, he's usually pretty early_

_kind of weird, he's usually pretty early_

_kind of weird, he's usually pretty early_

"What?" Clare asked, breathless as she felt herself get dizzy.

Adam then gathered all of his books and shut his locker and called out to Clare, once he was a little down the hallway, "Oh yeah, when you find him, can you ask him to stop texting and calling me at 1:15 at night? We're not all night owls like him," Adam said with a chuckle, but Clare felt her entire body freeze at those words.

"Oh my God," she said as she bent over in pain. "1:15? Did you say 1:15?"

"Yeah," Adam said before he walked off in a rush when Principal Simpson began making his morning rounds.

_He needed help. At 1:15. Walking home, something happened to him – the timing is not a coincidence. He needed help and he called Adam…but Adam didn't pick up, he was probably sleeping, didn't even see it until this morning. Oh my God. _

_Oh my God. _

_Oh my God. _

_Oh my God. _

_Something happened to him; something bad…I can feel it in every fibre of my being. I can just….feel it. _

_And it's my fault. I selfishly asked him to help me….because I knew that he'd never say no. He'd never say no to me…and I knew it, that's why I asked him. So I selfishly took everything from him….his time…his energy…it's my fault he was out that late, because of my stupid math problems!_

_It's my fault!_

"Clare get to class, please," she heard Simpson's stern voice tell her.

She decided to go, as it was Mrs. Dawes' class and she thought that maybe Eli was already there – but when she got there, nothing had ever chilled her to the core more than the image of Eli's empty desk did – it rendered Clare completely frozen.

Her eyes filled with tears when she realized that…what if…what if that desk would remain empty…forever? What if…Eli would never come back to it?

She couldn't find him at recess either, and her next class was journalism.

She felt as a statue, going through the day without any meaning to it at all.

She watched as Katie got up to read a piece, and she was even more jarred as she heard what Katie was saying.

_Gang involvement. I never thought it was something I would be around. But as I sat there on the alley connecting to Yonge Street, I knew there was only one thing that I could do. _

_I knew that I would never let you out of my sight. Never. Not for one moment. _

_Was I scared? You bet I was. But there is nothing that scares me more than not being there for you when you need me. _

_So you bet there was only one thing I wanted to do. _

_Not let you out of my sight. _

Clare didn't know what to do with herself after hearing that – Yonge street, and how Katie had not let her love out of her sight. She had been scared, but…Katie deserved the love that Clare knew she had with Drew, because….

_I'm not letting you out of my sight. _

_I'm not letting you out of my sight. _

_I'm not letting you out of my sight. _

_I'm not letting you out of my sight. _

_I'm not letting you out of my sight. _

_I'm not letting you out of my sight. _

_I'm not letting you out of my sight. _

_I'm not letting you out of my sight. _

_I'm not letting you out of my sight. _

_Why couldn't I tell you that? Why? Why did I send you out into the night alone? Why? Why didn't I just hold your hand? You never asked me for ANYTHING more than that. All you wanted, you would have been happy, if I just held your hand. I should have stayed with you and held your hand. Mom was right – I should have come to her and together with your parents we would have figured it out. But I had no interest in doing that! I got so caught up in stupid Jake that…I lost you. _

_And now…now this is my fault. _

_I sent you out…to die. _

_I sent you out…to your death. _

As Clare heard the lunch bell ring, she ran to Fiona and Imogen's lockers, who only gave her a strange glare and said that Eli hadn't been answering their texts all morning.

As she focused on the image down the hall, Clare couldn't see herself living past today.

Officer Turner was talking to…Adam, who was pale as a ghost.

Clare felt as if she was floating through the hallways as she walked towards them, walking towards what she thought was news that she already knew.

All of a sudden, she got an image of herself in all black, walking among rows of chairs…everything black…black cars, black clouds, black dress…everyone around her saying she should moving on as she was completely breaking down at the altar and ripping the bouquets of flowers to shreds. She saw herself crying herself to sleep…so she could see him in a dream; because she believed in him the way that he believed in her. She wouldn't let anyone else sit in his desk, and she'd wait every morning for his footsteps on the stairs.

Every morning.

But they would never come.

Cece and Bullfrog would never look at her again.

And they'd sell the house that there was nothing in but love.

Because they couldn't live there again.

As she grabbed Adam's arm, now being close enough, she couldn't even process what Office Turner was saying to Adam, only catching the last few words.

"…glad we got him, make sure you tell him," Clare heard.

She couldn't even feel her legs, she realized.

"Clare, you okay?" she heard Adam ask.

"No," she said, and she felt as if she was hearing someone else's voice. "Nothing will be ever okay again. NOTHING. Ever again," she said quietly, wondering why she couldn't even seem to shed a hear.

The metal detectors then made her jolt, their harsh loud sound activating and making Officer Turner turn their way.

"Damn leather jacket," Clare then heard in a voice that made her burst out in sobs at once. And once they came, she couldn't stop them.

It was him! It was Eli! Looking the picture of health, just casually strolling into the school at lunch time.

Officer Turner simply waved him in, being familiar with Eli and the way of his jacket.

Eli was barely out of the metal detectors when he felt his entire body be enveloped by the tight hug of the arms of Clare Edwards, and her whole trembling, shivering body collided with his as she sobbed out,

"Eli! Oh, Eli, thank God! You're okay! Oh my god, thank you God! Thank You! I'll do anything you want in return, God, thank you, thank you, thank you for letting him come back to me safe," Clare was nervously saying over and over again as Eli felt her tears fall on his neck. Clare's talk of 'letting him come back to me' made him raise an eyebrow Adam's way, who shook his head as to say 'I have no clue either, dude'.

"Oh, Eli, you're okay, thank you God, thank you, I'm going to be so good, I'm going to be so good, I promise, I promise, I'll behave like a proper Christian from now on, all I wanted was for him to be okay, all I wanted!" Clare was saying in between wild tears as she was hugging Eli so tight that his face was turning red from lack of air.

He felt her scent envelop him as her curls were everywhere – all over his neck, flying into his face, and her arms were around his neck and moving through his hair and down his back.

"Woah, Clare, Clare, what's going on," he asked as he gently caressed her back, his patient circles on her back making her breathing become a little more regular.

"You didn't show up! This morning! After last night, Yonge street, gangs, Adam said you called him at 1:15!" Clare said hysterically her face still buried in Eli's neck and her voice coming out all muffled.

"Oh, yeah, I called him because I saw a crime scene, walked by it, and I wanted to made sure that fool Drew stayed in his house," Eli said with a shrug.

"Thanks man," Adam piped in, "Mom's had him on lockdown since forever, and that gang isn't the one Drew had problems with – those guys are all in jail," Adam finished.

"But where have you been?" Eli heard Clare ask as he felt her hot breath on his neck. She was still clinging onto him for dear life, drawing him close to her with her arms whenever he tried to get a little breathing room. Clare Edwards was, literally, almost suffocating Eli Goldsworthy.

"Oh, I had an appointment with a U of T academic advisor about these awards I got, and my schedule and course selection for my programs, they only work week-days school hours practically, but I really needed to have some stuff explained to me so I went in," Eli said with a shrug.

"Oh, Eli, I thought - I thought I'd never see you again! By my own fault! No, no, IT'S MY JOB TO PROTECT YOU! Come here, stay here, just like this in my arms, forever, I can keep you safe, you're only safe when you're with me! With ME!" Clare cried, and Eli patted her curls down gently and told her,

"Hey, hey, I'm right here," in a calm and soothing tone.

"Yes," Clare gently said as she finally separated their bodies just a little, and she looked Eli right in the eyes as she said, "And I'm not letting you out of my sight," full of passion and determination.

"Why?" Eli asked with an amused smirk as his hands traveled to Clare's lower back in order to hold her gently.

"Because, silly – I love you," Clare said, and before Eli knew what she was doing, she leaned in and pressed a kiss right to his lips, and her teary face then traveled all over his face, right there in the middle of the empty hallway - she kissed his cheeks, and then she hugged him tightly and in the mess of curls and her hands running through his hair, she pressed a series of kisses hidden by the mass of her hair all up and down his neck, making his body shiver as he couldn't believe what was happening.

"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you," Clare was saying over and over again as she kissed Eli wherever she could reach in their embrace – his face, his neck, even bringing his hands up to her lips and kissing them.

"Woah, Clare…hold on," Eli gently told her.

"NO! No more waiting, no more holding on. We might not even have tomorrow, Eli! Let's not waste any more time! I don't want us to waste any more time – my mom was right! Now is the time for you and me to be together. I know I don't deserve it, Eli, but please, please, please give me a second chance and I swear this time I'll love you right! I love you! I love you! I love you so much, Eli, and I never want you to be out of my sight! Don't give me a list of reasons of why we shouldn't be together, because they're bogus and you know it! I swear, if you let me love you again, I swear I'd love you right! Please, Eli, I'll go down on my knees if you want me to," Clare said, dropping down for a second before Eli picked her up right away.

"No, Clare, I don't ever want you to do that, beautiful. Don't beg. I love you too, you know that – you've always known that. But…I'm afraid of…of disappointing you. I'm not what you want Clare – I'll never be that perfect guy," Eli said as he gave her a sad smirk.

"You're wrong, Eli," Clare said as she wiped her tears away and smiled a bright smile up at him. "You _are_ perfect. You are _the most_ perfect person I know. No one loves like you do, Eli. I don't just love you, Eli…I need you. I need to you…take care of me, and I want to take care of you too. I need you to protect me, and I want to protect you, too, Eli. I need you to love me, Eli, and I want to love you too," Clare said in a shaky voice.

Eli realized that he didn't have to control himself any longer.

He smirked at Clare for a split second before he captured her lips in kiss that indeed made her head spin – it was passionate and intense from its very start as she felt his hands travel to her lower back and gently push their bodies together, and they enjoyed each other for a long time before the kiss finally got slower and they pulled away, Clare resting all of her body weight into Eli's embrace because she could barely feel her own body from how amazing the kiss had been for her.

"I love you," she breathed as she rested her head in the crook of Eli's neck and pressed many kisses to his neck, watching his skin get goosebumps in pleasure, a sight that made her giggle to no end, producing Eli's favourite sound in the entire world.

"I love you too, Clare. I love you," Eli repeated emphatically.

"Forever?" Clare asked with a giggle.

"Forever and ever," Eli replied instantly.

She felt Clare's arms draw him even closer as he heard her breathe, "I'm so lucky I have you. I'm the luckiest girl on the planet. I'm so lucky God gave me you, Eli. I'm going to show Him – and you – and everyone else that I deserve you," Clare breathed as she ran her fingers through Eli's dark hair.

"I love you," Eli breathed in response.

"I love you too," Clare said as she burrowed her face deeper in Eli's neck and he heard her softly mutter, "Thank you for giving him to me, God".


End file.
